Florida Man kept me too busy this week to write a silly little Florida Man Friday intro, so without further ado won’t you join me on another…
Florida Man Friday!
Let us begin as we always do with…
The Most Florida Man Story Ever (This Week)
Maybe you’re thinking, “Florida Man got a big check and blew it on a Lambo. Big deal.”
But as is often the case, the details go far deeper and broader.
David T. Hines, 29, of Miami, was charged with bank fraud, making a false statement to a lending institution and engaging in transactions in unlawful proceeds, according to prosecutors in the U.S. District Court for the Southern District of Florida. If convicted on all charges, he could face up to 70 years in prison, an official in the prosecutor’s office said.
So far, so good — but we’ve barely scratched the surface.
He received three payments totaling $3,984,557, according to the authorities. As that money came in, Mr. Hines continued submitting requests for more funds. Eventually, his requests totaled $13,542,741, officials said.
Florida Man could buy a lot more than a single Lambo with that kind of cash, and so naturally he did — in ways that reveal a rich and detailed criminal life.
Mr. Hines made two payments in May totaling $30,000 to a person listed as “Mom,” officials said. The same month, he paid more than $4,000 to Saks Fifth Avenue. In June, Mr. Hines paid more than $7,000 to the Setai Hotel in Miami Beach, and $8,500 to the jewelry company Graff.
But wait, there’s more:
Monthly expenses for Mr. Hines’s companies averaged around $200,000, far below what he claimed on his federal loan applications, the postal inspector said.
One of Florida Man’s companies is “Cash In Holdings LLC,” because of course it is.
On the Better Business Bureau website, customers complained that two of Mr. Hines’s businesses conducted “bait-and-switch practices and other deceitful activities,” according to the affidavit. “Both businesses are F-rated businesses on the site.”
Despite being only 29 years old, Florida Man had previously been arrested for grand theft auto way back in 2009.
Keep dreaming big, Florida Man!
Florida Woman Says Share and Share Alike or Else
Florida Woman just harshed my mellow, and I don’t even smoke the stuff.
Why Is This Even a Crime?
When I’m King of America, I’ll pay bounties to patriotic citizens when they obstruct the IRS.
In fact, the only reason we’ll still have an IRS under my reign is so that patriotic Americans can collect the bounty.
Suddenly, King VodkaPundit doesn’t sound so bad, does it?
In Which We Literally Can’t Even
this video is fucking bonkers absolutely bonkers what the fuck dude holy shit pic.twitter.com/NyxYvddwC8
— alale (@alala_alala_) July 30, 2020
Not All Heroes Wear Capes
While many Floridians hunker down in the air conditioning to escape the summer heat, Riley Nutt is on a mission to walk from the Sunshine State’s Atlantic Coast to Gulf Coast.
His 250-mile trek aims to raise money for the Sao Paulo Mercy Ministry in Brazil, an organization supporting homeless children in the city. So far, the 51-year-old has raised more than $4,000 toward his current goal of $20,000 through shirt sales, a GoFundMe and more.
“I walked that to raise money for Father Stephen and Mary in 2017 and we raised a little over $4,000. And they didn’t even know I was doing it,” said Nutt, referring to the missionaries of Sao Paulo Mercy Ministry. “This money that I’m raising now is to help Stephen and Mary set up group homes for about four kids at a time: $50 will rent an apartment for a month, $20 will feed them.”
The GofFundMe is here if you’re so inclined.
The Most Magical, Well-Armed Place on Earth
Officials say Smith was going through Epcot security with an adult man, their 7-month-old daughter and her 7-year-old son when the guard spotted a 9mm handgun and a plastic bag containing marijuana.
Orange County deputies responded. A search of the diaper bag revealed a .45 caliber handgun on the bottom.
Two adults, two defense pieces. Makes sense to me.
This was actually Georgia Woman on a visit to Florida, but other than the weed, this licensed concealed-carrier doesn’t see a problem here.
Well, the weed and the fact that it’s probably close to impossible to draw quickly from the bottom of a diaper bag.
Think tactically, people!
Florida Man Steals Colorado Man’s Bear Stories
In all fairness, our Colorado bears are much bigger.
Truth in Advertising
Don’t even bother looking for the flask because I’ll tell you right now: I like to drink.
I’ll also tell you how disappointed I am this story didn’t include a mugshot:
Spoiler: She Got a DUI
Florida Woman Arrested After Streaming Drunken Driving Escapade On Periscope –– ‘I Really Hope I Don’t Get A DUI’
On the very slight chance you needed yet more evidence that social media makes people stupider, I present Florida Woman:
Whitney Marie Beall, 23, showed Periscope viewers her wild ride — in a clip aptly titled, “Drunk girl driving,” in which she slurred, “I’m so f***ing drunk … I really hope I don’t get a DUI.
“I’m driving … I think I’m on a flat tire … this is horrible … goodbye red light … this song is super hot, I want you guys to know.”
When authorities pulled over Beall, who was behind-the-wheel of a 2015 Toyota Corolla, she smashed into a curb, and when the door of her car opened, they could smell the alcohol on her breath, police said. She couldn’t pass a field sobriety test, and would not submit to a breathalyzer test, police said, at which point she was taken into custody on suspicion of DUI and held at Polk County jail.
If you can’t do the time, don’t self-report the crime.
If Looks Could Kill
— Only_in_Florida (@0nlyInFlorida) July 30, 2020
Here’s a #ProTip from Your Friendly Neighborhood VodkaPundit: If you want a shot at establishing reasonable doubt at your trial, don’t pose for your mugshot looking exactly like the thing you’re being charged with.
You Want Just One More #ProTip?
— KATV News (@KATVNews) July 30, 2020
Whatever you think about the efficacy of masks against the coronavirus, if you’re going to commit a felony, maybe a mask is a good idea.
Meanwhile, in Portland…
Feds bust suspected Portland arsonist thanks to huge tattoo featuring his name.
Because of course it’s gotta be Portland.
An Oregon man with a large tattoo of his last name on his back is facing federal arson charges after online photos and videos of a May 29 fire at Portland’s Justice Center showed the shirtless suspect “maliciously” burning court documents and trying to damage the building, authorities said Tuesday.
A story like that can mean only one thing: Florida Man has just one week to reclaim his crown of glory in time for the next…