If you had feared that all the holiday shopping and decorating and whatnot would have meant that Florida Man was just too busy to get into much trouble — fear not!
Instead, I found more stories than ever this week, thanks in no small part to sharp citizens just like you who send me this stuff throughout the week.
So without further ado, join me now on the craziest-ever…
Florida Man Friday!
We’ll begin as we always do with…The Most Florida Man Story Ever (This Week)
Remember when Florida Man was arrested for having sex with stuffed animals at Target a few weeks ago? Well this is worse. It’s so bad, I’m not even going to share the details. Click if you must, but I caution you not to do so immediately after eating, or before you’ve had a drink.
‘Tis the Season to be Violent, Fla-Fla-Fla-Fla-Fla-Fla-Florida Woman
— Q102 (@Q102SF) December 14, 2019
My headline was pushing it, wasn’t it?
Florida Man Pays it Forward
Nice job, Florida Man:
Mike Esmond says he will never forget the Christmas in 1983 that he and his three daughters spent without heat and power because he couldn’t pay his bill.
The 73-year-old small business owner went to the city of Gulf Breeze and requested a list of all past due utility accounts.
Esmond then paid off all 36 of them, totaling about $4,600.The city sent out cards notifying the residents of Esmond’s act of kindness.
Please note that it was the city that sent out the notices, and not Esmond himself.
Right Before Your Eyes
Woman tries to set boyfriend on fire after he doesn't celebrate her getting hired at Subway https://t.co/xdqeW1l7j1
— News 19 WLTX (@WLTX) December 18, 2019
Let Florida Man Who Has Not Sinned Cast the First Impeachment Vote
Here's something you don't see every day: Alcee Hastings, a former federal judge impeached and removed from the bench for taking bribes, participating in a House hearing that sets the rules for an impeachment. (Yes, Florida man strikes again…) pic.twitter.com/GCSAl94Jdp
— David Martosko (@dmartosko) December 17, 2019
To be fair, getting impeached is pretty much a legal requirement for anyone seeking higher office in Florida, so we ought to let this one slide.
News Brief: Only in Florida
And now, back to our regularly scheduled news.
At Least She Only Stabbed Him with Them
Florida Woman Stabs Boyfriend With Surgical Scissors After Accusing Him Of Cheating.
The video is far too long for such a simple tale of Florida Woman scorned and a Florida Man stabbed, but the guy hosting it might have a real future on internet TV.
Still, the old adage applies: If you love somebody, set them free; if they come back after cheating on you, stab them with the nearest pointy object.
No Floridians Were Harmed in the Making of This Video
Florida Man does curbside check-in pic.twitter.com/Vz15drz5t9
— Gabrielle (@gfstarr1) December 19, 2019
But it was a very, very near thing.
Glad everybody is OK, but I’m really wondering if this is what happens to my luggage.
Not All Heros Wear Capes
— Florida Man (@FloridaMan__) December 20, 2019
You really should click over for the video on this one.
And Then How Many Clowns Stepped Out of There?
— Orlando Sentinel (@orlandosentinel) December 19, 2019
If you ever find yourself stashing stuff in body cavities — yours or even someone else’s — you really need to start asking yourself some tough questions.
And no, Florida Woman, “What else can I fit up there?” is not the tough question you should be asking.
Don’t Play with the Alligators
what in the Florida man??? pic.twitter.com/idm1qUaxcm
— luli! (@qtlulims) December 20, 2019
Would someone please tell me what the hell it is we just saw?
Florida Man Steals VodkaPundit’s Schtick, Makes VodkaPundit Column
Florida man said he was so scared after he watched a train hit his vehicle that he pulled two bottles of liquor from the wreckage and drank them at the crash scene https://t.co/jYCxkwfkmA pic.twitter.com/C83Q9SkDU4
— Florida Man (@FloridaMan__) December 18, 2019
I wonder what happened to the rest of the bottles.
Asking for a friend, of course.
On the plus side, zero body cavities were involved in this failed smuggling attempt. So Florida Man has that going for him. Which is nice.
Meanwhile, in California, North Carolina, and Missouri
Maybe it’s the holiday madness, but it seems that everyone everywhere is trying — and succeeding — in outdoing Florida Man this week.
A trio of stories for you…
Leave the gun. Take the caricature.
Back in the ’90s, over-sharing meant someone who shared their feelings too much. Now with social media, it means jail time.
Florida Man is going to have to work overtime if he’s going to have a shot at reclaiming his crown of glory in time for the next exciting…