Last night was Halloween, when millions of Americans put on odd attire while committing what would be vagrancy or petty larceny on any other night, but which is acceptable and even expected on the evening of October 31. Halloween is the one night of the year all of America is like Florida is the other 364.
But that doesn’t mean Florida Man spent the last week resting on his laurels or whatever it is he does in his downtime. Anything but, in fact. So won’t you join me for another week’s worth of chills, spills, and non-judgmental thrills on another exciting…
Florida Man Friday!
We’ll begin as we always do with…
The Most Florida Man Story Ever (This Week)
I should have posted this one last week, but somehow missed it. Big kudos to Randy Bovell for bringing it to my attention. You, on the other hand, might want to direct your attention elsewhere while I publish the details:
An ex-investment banker in the Southern portion of Florida was fired from his job for lewd behavior, coming to work intoxicated and selling cocaine out of the bathroom at work. To get back at his boss, the Florida man emptied an entire septic tank in his boss’s swimming pool.
“When I got home from work, I smelled something so rank I almost puked,” the boss of the ex-investment banker stated. “I looked outside in the backyard and saw the guy I recently fired standing outside of my pool looking like a proud honor student. Then I realized he filled my entire pool with turds and pee.”
The boss of the ex-investment banker immediately called the police. “I didn’t even approach the guy. I locked my doors and called the police.”
It was at this point that I figured out two things. First, locking the doors and calling the police is the exact right thing to do when confronted by Florida Man. The second is that the story couldn’t possibly get any crazier.
Well, I was half-right:
When the police arrived on scene the Florida man jumped into the turd filled swimming pool and told the police to come get him if they want him so bad.
The police waited until the Florida man passed out from the fumes of the turds baking in the hot Florida sun.
Usually, I agree that the punishment should fit the crime, but what the hell do you do to Florida Man that he hasn’t already done to himself?
Just When You Thought It Was Safe to Go Back in the Water
It’s said that once is happenstance, twice is circumstance, and three times is enemy action. Well, it was exactly two months ago that I ran this headline on a previous Florida Man Friday: Florida Surfer Jumps From Water, Lands on Shark, Gets Bitten on Hand and Leg.
Here we are with a nearly identical story just weeks later. Coincidence?
And there’s one more question: If it does happen a third time, who is the enemy — the shark, or Florida Man?
You make the call!
Booty Calls: You’re Doing Them Wrong
— Florida Man (@FloridaMan__) October 29, 2019
You’ve got to think these things through, Florida Man. How are you going to sext her you’re on your way over if you leave your phone behind at the scene of the crime?
I hope this helps.
Maybe It’s Something in the Toilet Water
Um… don’t do that?
And Who the Heck Does This?
Seriously, who steals lite beer? That’s like pulling a pistol on the bank teller and demanding, “Give me all your pennies!”
Florida Man Rule #1: Cardio
Don’t do the crime if you can’t do the time, preferably a four-minute mile.
How Do You Do That Voodoo That You Do So Well?
— Florida Man (@FloridaMan__) October 30, 2019
Witchcraft, wicked witchcraft.
News Brief: Only in Florida
And now, back to our regular news.
That’s Not How Martha Stewart Prepares for a Soirée
The real problem here is that both wine and cheese should be stored in a cool, dry place, which totally rules out Florida.
The Most Magical Place in the Criminal World
This is the kind of criminal the other felons in the joint are too scared to mess with.
You need to click through for the video of this guy lecturing the judge.
Aging New Yorker Retires to Florida, Hilarity Ensues
PRESIDENT FLORIDA MANhttps://t.co/NEIREukKfT
— Vivek (@VerverkS) November 1, 2019
Are you ready for President Florida Man?
Love him, hate him, or just wish politicians would show up slightly less often than Punxsutawney Phil, I think we can all agree that Donald Trump is the most Florida President ever.
Meanwhile, in Nebraska…
I wonder what tipped them off?
Staff at the Pinnacle Bank branch in Lincoln reported the Monday morning incident to police. The Lincoln Journal Star reports that bank employees say the man was adamant that the bill was real despite tellers’ attempts to convince him otherwise.
The man eventually left with the bill, but without a new account.
Maybe he just really, really wanted that toaster.
But whatever drove Nebraska Man to such desperate lengths, we know one thing for sure: Florida Man has but one week left to reclaim his Crown of Shame.
Can he do it?
Of course he can.
Will he dare?
Find out on the next can’t-miss…