Florida Man Friday: Man Jumps the Shark, Gets Bitten

Thoughts and prayers for Florida Man, Florida Woman, and Florida Everything as Hurricane Dorian bears down on the state. Let's hope that by this time next week, we're joking about how that "absolute monster" of storm turned into a drizzle -- but we won't count on it.

If you don't mind me borrowing a little of Florida's resilient spirit, let's enjoy another lighthearted Florida Man Friday, as everyone there prepares to endure Dorian.

So let's board up the windows and head for the high ground on another...

Florida Man Friday!

This Is Why There Will Always Be a Florida, and Florida Man

Is it wrong that this got me a little verklempt?

Most Florida Man Story Ever (This Week)

Mugshot courtesy of Will County Sheriff's Office

Florida man charged with selling fake Yetis at Will County fairgrounds.

"Officials seized more than 1,600 fake Yetis, cash, cashier’s checks. A 2014 Ford van, miscellaneous Yeti accessories and exhibition booth signage, the sheriff’s office said."

You're probably thinking, "This would be a better story if he'd gotten caught selling real yetis, because who expects to find abominable snowmen in Florida?" But it turns out he was selling knockoff Yeti drink tumblers.

I Knew You Were Coming, Dorian, So I Baked You a Cake

Florida Woman has got plenty of spunk, and a steady hand with the pastry bag.

Florida Woman Reduces Carbon Footprint by Taking Public Transportation, But Everything Goes Wrong

Mugshot courtesy of local authorities.

Shanisha Fields Gets Into Altercation On Bus, Strikes Passenger, Spits On Him, Tries To Get On Another Bus, Kicks The Door Windows Out, Tries To Flee But Gets Arrested.

If you read this story past the headline... why?

Well, Was There? Was There?

News Brief: Only in Florida

Florida man accused of threatening woman with a chainsaw

Iguana gets a workout at Key West Airport in viral video

Florida Man Catches 18-Foot Python by Hand, Different Man Promptly Catches Another

Florida man accused of picking fight with Michael Jackson impersonator

Florida man, once caught mowing lawn naked, wants his teaching job back

There's video of that last item at the link, if you simply must.

This Would Never Happen to the Fonz

Heeeeeeey, "Fonz" by robotsandwrestlers is licensed under CC BY-NC-SA 2.0

Florida Surfer Jumps From Water, Lands on Shark, Gets Bitten on Hand and Leg

Fortunately, the victim's injuries weren't serious enough to warrant a hospital visit.

Florida Man Heroes Up for Unknown Florida Woman

Isn't that lovely? Bravo to Florida Man Scott Ford.

When Seconds Count, Florida Woman Is Already There

Courtesy WFLA

Florida Woman Holds Intruder at Gunpoint for 13 Minutes Waiting for Police.

Dan Zimmerman has the details:

Piers Morgan may wonder why Americans own firearms, but unlike his countrymen, we have a right to do so. And many of us realize that we are our own first responders. Whether it’s an un-armed Brit bobbie or a Pasco County, Florida deputy, Johnny Law will almost never be there in time to protect you and your loved ones from someone who would do you harm.

Take, for instance, the example of a Hudson, Florida mother of four who encountered an intruder on her property over the weekend.

She first called 911 when he was wandering on her property and came to her door. She didn’t recognize him and called police... [twice!]

It took police a total of 26 minutes to arrive, 13 minutes after the more urgent call.

I'm not sure this Colorado Man would have had her discipline, if you know what I'm saying.

As a Matter of Fact, This Warning Is Completely Necessary

This reminds me a bit of my favorite, if that's the word, complaint about shootouts in movies. According to Hollywood physics, when a bullet strikes glass, the glass shatters, and then immediately the bullet disappears as though it had never existed.

Crime of the Century

Mugshots courtesy of local authorities.

Woman Broke Into Ex-Boyfriends Home, Stole His Guns, Gets Pulled Over, Claims She Doesn’t Know How The Weapons Got There.

There is a right way and a wrong way to deal with firearms, and this is by my count at least 17 wrong ways.

Because of Course He Did

Would he still have done this if he hadn't had his camera to video it?

Meanwhile, On Instagram...

And Finally...

Hang in there Florida Man, and hopefully by next Friday the storm will have passed, the tides receded, the floodwaters drained, and everyone back home, safe and dry, in time for another...

Florida Man Friday!