“It Can’t Be Friday Without Florida Man” isn’t actually a ’70s commercial jingle, but doesn’t it sound like it should be?
So in the carefree spirit of America’s ugliest decade, join me now as we chronicle another week of thrills, spills, and non-judgmental thrills on yet another…
…Florida Man Friday!
Most Florida Man Story Ever (This Week)
Michael Casey Lewis was initially arrested for grand theft and was bonded out on Thursday. Minutes later, deputies allegedly caught him burglarizing cars in the parking lot, according to the AP.
The St. Lucie County Sheriff’s Office said the 37-year-old was taken back inside and booked on burglary charges. He was released again that same day on an $11,250 bond.
If I’m reading this story correctly, Florida Man was burglarizing cars in the parking lot of the jail he’d just been released from. I haven’t seen a crime so perfectly executed since the time I got detention for getting caught skipping detention.
But the best part is yet to come.
The St. Lucie County Sheriff’s Office put this story up on social media with the headline, “JAIL IS BAD, BUT FOR SOME IT’S BETTER THAN HOME.”
James Cagney and Mae Clarke Could Not Be Reached for Comment
Brittany Leeann Mapel Was Arrested After Cream Pieing Mom In The Face, Snatches Phone From Brother Who Tried To Call Police#floridawoman #holiday #florida #creampie #lemonpie #yummyhttps://t.co/35PGXGu8av
— TheFloridaManTimes (@floridamantimes) July 25, 2019
From the writeup:
The victim said the suspect, later identified as Brittany Leeann Mapel, had smashed lemon cream cake in her face “without her consent.” A witness, Mapel’s brother, corroborated his 51-year-old mother’s account.
He told officers that when he attempted to call 911 to report the alleged violence, his sister “snatched” his phone away and reportedly declared, “Nobody is calling the cops today.”
Brittany Leeann Mapel was arrested on charges of battery and tampering with a witness.
In the #MeToo era, it’s just good legal sense to get written consent before smashing a lemon cream cake in someone’s face.
Still, doesn’t “battery and tampering with a witness” seem like an excessive charge for what was a mostly harmless incident?
Only One No Range Rover(s) Hurt in the Production of This Motion Picture
Here we see Florida Woman vandalizing and smashing up a Range Rover SUV. I’m going to go out on a limb here and bet that the Rover is owned by Florida Man, who Florida Woman caught doing something he shouldn’t have been doing with some other Florida Woman.
Anyone want to take that bet? Anyone?
I’m Not Saying It’s Aliens. But It’s Aliens
— Joshua Imel (@JoshuaImel) July 18, 2019
Highway Safety, Florida-Man and -Woman Style
Faster, Iguana — Kill! Kill!
Three weeks ago I reported to you that Florida officials were urging residents to kill iguanas. Two weeks ago something akin to hilarity ensued when a pellet-gun toting iguana hunter missed and accidentally shot a pool boy instead. Last week, PETA urged: If you’re killing iguanas, do it in the “kindest manner possible.”
And this week?
Here is Florida Man Python Cowboy’s Instagram page if you simply must watch the video, which I recommend very highly that you don’t. But if you do see an iguana, don’t wait until it poops in your hot tub before killing it in what I would hope would be a PETA-approved manner (wink, wink).
This Is What Happens When You Put Marvin Gaye’s ‘Midnight Love’ on Repeat
I’m sure at some point each of us may have rolled over in the middle of the night to check, ah… manually, if our significant other might be up for a latenight romp.
But please, be gentle:
The victim stated that he had fallen asleep on the couch and awoke to his wife, Anastacia Tasch, pulling on his genitals “without provocation or permission,” read the complaint.
He said the 44 year old used such force that he “crumpled over and had trouble walking.”
Tasch admitted that she did approach the father of her two children in an aggressive manner, but only to “arouse” him so they could have sex.
She really puts the “risky” in “frisky.”
Now Here’s Somebody Who’s Definitely Going to Get Some Tonight
https://t.co/ubznQlnX2J A Florida company wants to know who stole 17,000 oysters.The company is offering a reward for information leading to the arrest and conviction of the offenders. #oysters #Florida #FloridaLiving #Floridablanca #FloridaMan pic.twitter.com/wRhS9zpJiD
— Fashion N style (@carlito19051) July 25, 2019
Genius. Sheer criminal genius.
Yes. Next Question?
This headline is from the Washington Post, where “democracy dies in darkness,” and where fun goes to die from worry.
There’s Malpractice and Then There’s Malpractice
This would be the latter…
Arm? How detailed an inspection did you need, doc?
Florida News in Brief
That last link includes video.
Meanwhile, in Texas…
Man wanted KFC and cigarettes — so he stole an ambulance to get them, Texas cops say https://t.co/nOmLKE4Bhy
— The Sacramento Bee (@sacbee_news) July 25, 2019
Way back when I still smoked, I would have totally done that if the need had ever arisen. But I am only Colorado Man, and am totally free of such foolishness. Or at least I’m done getting caught at it.
I think we all can agree though that Texas Man has raised the bar for Florida Man once more, which can mean only one thing…
…we’ll be back next week for another exciting Florida Man Friday.