Florida Man Friday VII: When Methagators Attack

Florida Man Friday is a longtime tradition here at PJMedia, dating all the way back to early last month.

So without any further fuss, come with me now as we enjoy another week's worth of thrills, spills, and non-judgmental thrills.

Most Florida Man Story Ever (This Week)

To be clear, the sports bra was the only thing Florida Man was wearing. Is it wrong that my first concern was for the weird tan lines he's giving himself?

Florida Man and Florida Woman: The Perfect Loving Couple

(Mugshot courtesy of local authorities)

Florida man challenges cops to fight at strip club after 33 beers.

This story is, believe it or not, strangely sweet.

Just before midnight on July 8, Police were called to strip club in St. Lucie, Fla. to help a man who passed out after he claimed to have downed 33 beers, reported the Treasure Coast newspaper.

He was reportedly found face down outside the Body Talk Sports Bar parking lot by officers next to his fiancée rubbing his back.

The drunk man from Vero Beach reportedly woke up from a blackout and immediately got up on his feet.

He then allegedly threatened to take on one of the officers despite his fiancée’s advice to calm down.

Florida Man would be nothing without Florida Woman, who joined him at a strip club, helped him through a rough patch following 33 beers, and tried her best to comfort him and keep him out of police custody.

What a gal.

This Next Story Is Not Sweet at All, Not Even Strangely So

Florida Man Masturbating in Walmart Parking Lot Grabbed Officer's Behind During Arrest: 'Let Me Just Feel It.'

I clicked the link because I'm paid to. You, gentle reader, might want to leave this one unmolested.

You'll Love This One

Hang on. All of a sudden my office is very dusty and someone is dicing onions on my desk and I think I've developed an allergy to computer screens.

So take a moment before we get to the Fight of the Century...

When the Scene of the Crime Is the Crime

Seriously, what were the odds? In most places, pretty slim. In Florida, I'm thinking they were no better than six out of five.

Be Kind to Animals, Florida-Man Style

Two weeks ago I reported to you that Florida officials were urging residents to kill iguanas. (LINK: Iguana population in Florida grows as temperatures stay high, residents urged to 'kill.') Last week something akin to hilarity ensued when a pellet-gun toting iguana hunter missed and accidentally shot a pool boy instead. This week, PETA says: If you’re killing iguanas, do it in the ‘kindest manner possible.’

I must ask you: How bad is the iguana infestation when even PETA says it's OK to kill a bunch of animals?

Gone in 60 Seconds: Suspect Arrested For 18 Car Thefts In 24 Hours, PGPD Say.

That Last Guy Should Talk to This Guy

Would You Forgive Me If I Told You Didn't Actually Read Past the Headline to This One? Florida Woman Farts in Store, What She Does After Someone Complains Is Absolutely Insane.

Moving right along...

Florida Government

The kicker? This one is going all the way to the Supreme Court.

Only in Florida

If you live in Florida, don't forget to check the box on your insurance form that says, "Rampaging, Wine-Drinking Gator Coverage."

That's Entertainment: Florida city blasts Baby Shark song to drive away homeless from waterfront.

Three billion YouTube views for the official Baby Shark video. I include it here only for the sake of completeness, and can't be responsible for any brain-melt you might experience after clicking Play.

Wow.

I know a lot of lawyer jokes. A lot. But I won't be telling any of on this Florida Man Friday.

And finally, beware... the... Methagator!

Methed-up gators and ducks and geese: Tennessee police warn against flushing drugs down the toilet.

Details:

"Ducks, Geese, and other fowl frequent our treatment ponds and we shudder to think what one all hyped up on meth would do," the Loretto Police Department posted Saturday on Facebook. "Furthermore, if it made it far enough we could create meth-gators in Shoal Creek and the Tennessee River down in North Alabama."

Shudder? We could get at least three Syfy Channel movies out of a single methagator. I say, bring it on.

And forget about northern Alabama, because it's only a matter of time before before that tainted water makes it down to the Panhandle. Then we'll get Florida Man meets Methagator. Will they meet at a Five Guys? Will they hit a strip club? What happens if it turns out that Methagator can drive a stick?

The suspense is terrible. I hope it will last...

...until the next Florida Man Friday.