“When I hear a person talking about political solutions, I know I am not listening to a serious person.” —George Carlin
The late, great standup comic had a point: Many of the political issues we argue most vehemently about — crime, the economy, the environment, education, national defense — aren’t problems that we can ever solve. There’s no finish line to reach. Instead, it’s more akin to pain management for an achy, middle-aged back: It’s always going to be an issue, but if you stay ahead of it, you can still enjoy a pretty good quality of life.
Homelessness is, was, and will forever be an emotionally gut-wrenching societal tragedy. When you’re a child, losing the safety and security of your home — or by extension, your parents — is probably your most instinctive phobia. Other than starving to death (and/or being devoured by monsters), you couldn’t imagine anything worse. When I was a little kid, homelessness was one of the first social problems I was aware of. It was terrifying.
Rush Limbaugh noted that the homelessness crisis comes and goes depending on who’s in office: When the GOP’s in charge, it’s a major issue; when Democrats take over, it sort of gets swept under the rug. That’s because these poor, downtrodden (and often mentally ill) street people serve a higher purpose for the mainstream media: They’re flesh-and-blood props to advance the liberal agenda.
Furthermore, the more dire you perceive their plight, the more sympathetic you’ll be to a Big Government solution.
“Homeless advocates aren’t [just] satisfied with comparing the homeless to the Virgin Mary,” Limbaugh wrote in his best-selling book, “The Way Things Ought to Be.” “They want to use them as vehicles in their effort to portray America as an uncaring country.”
Still, it’s always sad when people struggle. Props or not, every single man, woman, and child living on the streets is deserving of basic human dignity. Images of large, sprawling homeless camps are just heartbreaking. (Dangerous, too — especially for women and children.)
But the problem remains unresolved: There were homeless families then, there are homeless families now, and there will undoubtedly be homeless families in the future. Clearly, none of the prior solutions were effective. And since we’re all out of good ideas, I’d like to throw my idea into the mix: Give each homeless person a camel.
First of all, camels are probably good for companionship. Everyone needs a friend. (Plus, it’ll be a funny conversation opener on Hump Days.)
Secondly — and far more importantly — this way, the entire homeless problem would vanish overnight. Seriously: Just like that!
Because instead of being homeless, now they’re nomads.
Isn’t that nice? Simply by redefining words and meanings, we can solve the ongoing, never-ending, heartbreaking problem of homelessness.
(Hey, if we can redefine gender, we can certainly redefine nomads.)
This way, whenever we encounter a homeless person on the street, we no longer need to look away, averting our eyes in sadness and shame. Instead, we can point him out to our kids, using him as a positive example: “See that man, Timmy? That’s a nomad. They’re a noble breed, proud and true. Where he goes, nobody knows! Now let’s get some pie.”
Look, we’re well beyond the point of rational solutions. It’s time to try something new, bold, and (highly) experimental. So if you truly care about the homeless people, please write to your local congressman ASAP: Tell your representative to support camels for the homeless. Those poor people have suffered enough; give ‘em a camel, for crying out loud.
Besides, what’s the worst thing that could happen?
Even if the program’s a total failure, at least the homeless could eat the camel and get a good meal out of it.
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