News & Politics

Witches (Yes Witches) Accuse Sephora of 'Cultural Appropriation'

(Image via Twitter)

And now, in very serious news, witches (yes, witches) are accusing Sephora of “cultural appropriation” after the makeup company announced they’d be selling a “Witches Starter Kit” for Halloween. Terrified of being cursed, hexed, or forced to eat a poisoned apple, Sephora has now pulled the kit, which included perfume, tarot cards, sage, and a rose quartz crystal. Pinrose, the perfume company that marketed the product, has since apologized, which is a good start, but witches say they’re still waiting for Dorothy Gale, the seven dwarves, and Sleeping Beauty’s parents to apologize as well.

Siera, who is actually a real person and a pagan witch, told Metro.co.uk, “Sephora selling ‘witch kits’ actually makes me really upset. Witchcraft isn’t something you just throw around, people put their entire being into this way of life and work so hard at it.” The Evil Queen agreed, pointing to her own tireless dedication to ending Snow White’s life and how, if she’d been a less dedicated witch, she certainly wouldn’t have gone herself to the cottage to deliver that poisoned apple. But she did.

Indigo, another real person who practices witchcraft, said, “Although most witches do use what’s in the Sephora box, most of us feel that it’s wrong for just anyone to grab those things and be like ‘oh hey I’m a witch now’ because it’s sacred to us.” Other witches agree. Dorothy had absolutely no idea what she was doing when she took the Wicked Witch of the West’s broom and absconded to the Emerald City. And we all know what happened when Mickey Mouse culturally appropriated magic. He thought he could use it to get his chores done quicker, but that stuff is sacred and not for mice.

Witches flocked to Twitter to voice their concerns. Chelsea: Dessert Witch says that witchcraft is “not a basic bitch bandwagon.” No one has the courage to tell Chelsea that this makes absolutely no sense, for fear of being turned into a frog. Liz says “Being a witch is a choice, and practicing is a form of religious worship. Do your research, and protect yourself when you practice. Always.” Acolyte witches responded that they were trying to protect themselves with the perfume, tarot cards, sage, and a rose quartz crystal until Sephora pulled the “Witches Starter Kit” and now they’re doomed.

Pinrose issued a statement that reads, “First and foremost, to those who have shared their disappointment or taken offense to this product, we apologize profoundly. This was not our intent. We thank you for communicating with us and expressing your feelings. We hear you; we will not be manufacturing or making this product available for sale. Our intention for the product was to create something that celebrates wellness, personal ceremony, and intention setting with a focus on using fragrance as a beauty ritual.”

Johnny, a “spell caster” and LGBTQ activist responded to Pinrose’s statement saying, “I WOULD HAVE SUPPORTED IF IT HAD BEEN AN ACTUAL WITCH KIT.” The startling revelation that there actually are witch kits, but that this witch kit is not a real witch kit, leaves non-witches wondering which witch kits are real and which witch kits aren’t. Maleficent has called a coven meeting to discuss the information leaks, suggesting “Johnny” be boiled alive.

https://twitter.com/_johnnyxoxo/status/1038327440341434368

In a stunning plot twist, Native Americans are weighing in to say that witches have actually culturally appropriated a lot of their practices from them. Sage, in particular, is associated with Native American rituals and, as Kaha:wis points out on Twitter, “There is absolutely no excuse for taking Native American traditions and selling them as “witch kits”. Why would you say our ceremonies and traditions have anything to do with witches? That’s kinda racist, is it not?” Witches everywhere claimed their thumbs were pricking and went to check who was coming so as not to have to answer these claims.

Pinrose is only one of many institutions that quickly cave when faced with these kinds of accusations from social justice warriors. In Pinrose’s defense, there was probably some kind of magic involved, including the threat of a curse, or imprisonment in a very tall tower without their line of quick-grow hair products. If not, there’s really no excuse for allowing these people to win. If Dorothy could beat them, you can too.