In a historic first of shredded norms and judicial weaponization — at least in the formerly exceptional United States — a former president and current front-running presidential candidate has been arraigned on criminal charges.
Donald Trump arrived in New York City on Monday to face charges conjured up by Soros-backed Manhattan DA Alvin Bragg through a grand jury process in the near-universally Trump-hating city. The former president spent the night in his luxurious upscale quarters in the landmark Trump Tower in midtown Manhattan.
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On Tuesday, the former president reported to the DA’s office and courthouse at 100 Centre Street to be fingerprinted and processed just before 2 p.m. In a blow to slavering leftists everywhere, the coveted mugshot was not taken. Democrats and Trump Derangement sufferers had been expected to use the image for historic purposes reflecting the seriousness of the charges and the gravitas of the situation, such as printed toilet tissue, dart boards, “Trump for Prison 2024” t-shirts, and similar hate aids. Nor was the once-and-possibly-future president handcuffed, most likely because his Secret Service detail pointed out that it would be ludicrous to handcuff a man surrounded by Secret Service agents.
From there, the front-running Republican candidate in the 2024 presidential race appeared before New York Supreme Court Judge Juan Merchan at 2:29 p.m. The historic charges that are serious enough to warrant turning the United States into a banana republic and dividing her citizens against one another were finally unsealed. They included 34 counts of falsification of business records, which is a misdemeanor in New York State but which Bragg had tortured into felonies. It is extremely unusual for a single alleged crime to be split into 34 separate charges, explained an expert who had been briefed on the situation. “For example, when a shoplifter steals six handbags, she will only be charged with one count of larceny.” But here we are.
Trump pleaded not guilty, was deemed not to be a flight risk, and was released. He immediately headed for LaGuardia Airport to return to Free Florida, where he is scheduled to hold a rally this evening.
PSA: If you are in the habit of doing shots whenever Democrats say "historic," you need to stop NOW. You will die.
— Athena Thorne (@Athena_Thorne) April 4, 2023
The historic charges stem from what can most accurately be described as a routine payment to secure a non-disclosure agreement from a nuisance claimant, such as corporations, celebrities, and officials pay out every day. For example, tens of millions of taxpayer dollars have been paid out in “hush money schemes” (as Leftists call the process when a Republican does it) to protect members of Congress and other capital agencies and employees from claims of sexual harassment as well as discrimination and retaliation.
Trump’s attorneys are expected to launch multiple challenges to the prosecution, likely beginning with a motion for dismissal. If that is denied, the Trump team is expected to request a change of venue to Staten Island, given that in 2020 Trump won a mere 12% of the vote in overwhelmingly left-wing Manhattan. With additional motions and challenges, the Trump team could delay a trial until well past the 2024 election.
Trump has denied having an affair with Stephanie Clifford, who goes by her professional porn actress name of Stormy Daniels. It is unclear why Trump, who is a notorious germaphobe, would have desired any sort of intimate contact with a person who acts as a biological fluids receptacle for a living.
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