A (Mostly) Comedic Look at the Best of the Worst of the Tesla-phobe Terrorists

Kevin Downey Jr. | 5:32 PM on April 04, 2025
AP Photo/Alberto Pezzali

We are quickly approaching the fifth anniversary of the 2020 riots, held in honor of saintly George Floyd, who became a gold-casket hero to the left after dying of a fentanyl overdose while conveniently in police custody.

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FACT-O-RAMA! If you watch The Fall of Minneapolis, you will see that lifelong criminal George Floyd wasn't murdered by police. He had enough fentanyl in his system to kill more than three dirtbags. That info was not allowed in court and four innocent police went to prison for a "murder" they didn't commit.

It appears that today's street-thug leftists aren't quite as dedicated this time around.

BLM isn't burning our big, blue toilet cities to the dirt. Antifa isn't chucking frozen bottles of water at police who have been ordered to stand down. Today's "resistance" is little more than sad, ragged old hippies (like the doofus in the photo above, or this bozo who tossed nails into driveways with Teslas) dragging keys against Teslas in the Piggly Wiggly parking lot, or peckerwoods who believe that flipping off an inanimate object will convince Elon Musk to stop exposing the fraud and rot that permeates our federal government.

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FACT-O-RAMA! Every Tesla being vandalized by brain-dead`wazzocks has been paid for by the owner. The Cybertrucks sitting idle at a dealership are insured. The Tesla-phobes attacking cars are costing Elon Musk nothing, but the street-level commie apparatchiks vandalizing autos will never be photographed at a Mensa meeting, as they still haven't realized that every Tesla is equipped with numerous exterior cameras taping their crimes.

Let's take a look at some of the feckless clown stains who think they are "resisting tyranny" by attacking other people's cars in their various hilarious ways.

Let's open with Captain Orange Pants, who "bravely" thought he could slyly key a Tesla while wearing almost the same colored trousers hunters wear to not get shot while hiding in the woods. 

[Charges Pending]

Like the dunder butts who threw Spaghettios on priceless paintings or super-glued their hands to the middle of a busy highway, some commie frondeurs aren't afraid to show their faces as they commit felonius vandalism, you know, for the climate, no wait, for Palestine? Ummm....oh yeah, 'cause NAZIS or something this time around.

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It appears masks were not only useless against COVID, a virus that 99.5% of infected people would survive, but they also did nothing to hide the identity of this vitamin D-starved Mata Hari. 

[Last seen allegedly crying for mercy]

For those hoping all these car varlets will be punished, I have bad news. Portland allowed Davis Nafshun, 27, to walk without bail after being arrested for aiming a laser pointer in the eyes of three Tesla workers. Also, the police chief of Bloomington, Minn., not only refused to punish a they/them for vitiating a car it does not own but went so far as to call zhim a "victim."

Here is a video of either a hippy chick or a femme boy — I honestly can't tell — wiping its tail feathers on a Tesla. I decided not to post the video in the article in case you don't want to see a boho's bahookie.

Whereas many of the Tesla attackers are lonely incels, there are bails of white trash who find it to be more of a family fun outing.

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Sadly, not every attack against a Tesla is in a parking lot.

Check out this young lad, whose veins appear to be pulsing with either a much-needed testosterone supplement or White Claw, as he stops a car on a highway to physically abuse it.

[Pro-tip. Watch until the .44 second point. Thank me later.]

Sometimes you will see a fascist Tesla when you don't have your car keys. Problem? Not if you are taking a stroll with man's best friend, who, in this case, might be named Castro.

What's that? No dog doody? No problem!

I will assume this man's hand has never touched a woman.

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Related: Call of Doody: Elon-Hater Goes a Smudge Too Far

For the anarchists who prefer to express their feelings with something more than keys, dog feculence, or yesterday's digested Hungry-Man frozen dinner, Molotov cocktails will send quite a message. It may also send the perp to prison for 20 years.

If I were to offer a Tesla-phobe milksop of the year award, it would go to this Pennsylvania man who was caught carving a swastika into another man's car and began grovelling like the lickspittle he is.

I could do this all day — no, seriously, there are dozens more videos of cucks, sisspots, and romantically repugnant faunae — who believe it is their duty to damage or destroy Teslas because someone on TV told them that Elon Musk is a bad man. But by now you may be wondering why the word "mostly" is in the headline.

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This is a video of two drivers arguing — one allegedly in a Tesla, though I don't believe that to be true — and the other of whom is too busy yelling to notice he is about to run over children. [Strong language warning as well as kids getting hit by a car.] I included this video to show what can happen if dolts continue their Tesla rage.

Let's wrap this up with the Che Guevara of Tesla-phobia. This may be the first case of sexual assault on an automobile. Watch until the end for the great getaway scene.

You can fight back against the Tesla terrorists without a key or your bare booty.

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Kevin Downey Jr.

Kevin Downey Jr. is a comedian, columnist, and radio show host. When he isn't writing or performing, he is collecting surf records and practicing his mixologist skills at his tiki bar. His apartment—the Atomic Bunker—looks like it was furnished from George Jetson's garage sale. 

You can listen to KDJ clown-slap the commies every Monday-Friday, 9:00-11:00 am EST on the New World Order's Public Enemy #1 radio program, "The Kevin Downey, Jr. Show." Click here: www.LINEWSRADIO.com

Read more by Kevin Downey Jr.
Category: COLUMNS

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