I try to live a rational life by paying attention to facts and never pretending they don’t exist, even if the facts in question are uncomfortable for me. I think this philosophy makes my life better. I’m smarter and I make better decisions. However, sometimes it’s okay to completely, utterly, and purposefully forget certain facts. We are talking about total mental suppression of reality. While this is normally very bad policy, I submit it is perfectly okay in the following six cases.
Periodically something may happen that reminds me of something I pretend not to know and then I come face to face with the fact that I have this habitual evasion going on. As soon as I realize that, I promptly force myself to forget it again. After you read this article, just forget it.
Read at your own risk! Go no further if you are not willing to lie to yourself!
1. People Go Pee in Pools
I know, I know, there are chlorine and other chemicals in there that kill the bacteria, but you are still swimming in pee, even if it’s dead pee. And if the pool is crowded, you are swimming in LOTS of pee. You have to forget about this in order to go swimming in any body of water on a hot day. Science has taught us humans a lot about our environment, and some things are best to forget, like the entire swimming pool is pee.
What do you do when you see this scene? You very properly shrug, pretend you don’t know, and go swimming.
If there is a baby in there with a diaper, you are also most likely swimming in fecal matter. According to a biologist of my acquaintance this is the real menace:
A gram (approx. a milliliter, very small volume) of feces has BILLIONS of CFUs (colony forming units, or, approximately, bacterial cells) in it. A gram of urine has [only] around 10,000 CFUs if it’s from a healthy person. How many grams of feces do you think escape from a baby’s diaper when it’s in a pool? Don’t want to contemplate.
Um, I think she just said there would be a gadzillion trillion fecal bacteria cells in the water from just one baby. (Only a biologist would end that sentence with a smiley face.) So if you see this, you will just have to focus on how cute the baby is, and not on what’s going on under the surface.
My biologist friend didn’t end there. She made sure I was aware of another potential problem in pools. Forget baby diapers. Fecal matter may wash off of anybody’s “bunghole” and get into the water … if they had any residue there. Oh sweet Jesus … I didn’t know that one.
I’m going to go forget that now.
2. When You Smell a Fart, You Are Inhaling Gas That Was Just in Another Person’s…Never Mind.
Next time you smell the distinctive odor of a fart, definitely do NOT imagine where it just came from. Do not look at the person next to you and gain a full understanding of just what it is you are inhaling. Just forget it and pretend your nose itches.
3. High Heels Are Really Bad for Your Feet
Most every woman has experienced wearing a pair of shoes to a fancy event that were like mini torture chambers on her feet. She has smiled and been charming on the outside, while inside her head is a deafening, clanging, roar begging her to sit down and take those goddam things off! This X-ray explains it all:
Does she swear off high heels forever? Of course not. Not even for a day. Does she worry about how gnarled and painful her feet will be when she’s older? No. She pretends she doesn’t know because … hello! Look at these:
4. Eggs are Fetuses
I love eggs. I eat them all the time. Every once in a while I remember that I’m actually eating a chicken fetus. I immediately shove that information so low down into the far back cobwebby corners of my mind that it will be years before I remember again. There’s a reason we don’t order Fetus Benedict. And that’s just fine with me.
5. Your Phone Is Probably Covered in Filth
Smart phones are amazing. I probably use my iPhone 100 or more times a day. I often just carry it around in my hand, even though I have a purse. What’s interesting is that I also wash my hands a lot. I can’t stand getting sick, and whenever I use a gas pump, ATM, elevator button, etc., I am aware of not touching my face before I wash my hands. Do I wash my hands after touching my iPhone? No. Do I touch my iPhone after touching the gas pump, ATM, elevator button, etc.? Absolutely. Do I put my iPhone up to my face routinely? All the time. Hmm….
Even the most well-groomed man in American had fecal matter on his phone, so what do you think is on yours?
6. Doughnuts Are Glazed Poison
Doughnuts just might be the most delicious pastry ever invented. Turns out sugary white batter that puffs up with just the right mixture of density and air, the deep fried in fat, covered in sugar, maybe filled with sugar, maybe chocolate is incredibly delicious. Oh my Word!! I want one! But wait, the problem with doughnuts is…I forget.
Sunny Lohmann is a regular humor columnist for PJ Media and PJ Lifestyle. Her political satire videos have gotten a lot of attention in the blogosphere. Find out more about Sunny by checking out her blog, House of Sunny, follow her on Facebook here, and enjoy her most recent Youtube videos here. She tweets @sunnylikeaboss.