It's time for your much-needed break from the serious news, and this week, we'll learn the absolute last person to call for tech support, the proper etiquette for being hauled drunk out of a canal, and more about Shrek than you ever wanted to know.
Let us begin as we always do with...
The Most Florida Man Story Ever (This Week)
Florida TikTok creator lands in jail after allegedly turning women’s private data into posts
I never use real names on Florida Man Friday — except for heroes who deserve the recognition — mostly because of that whole innocent-until-proven-guilty thing our justice system is built upon. And partly because the internet is forever, and (most) everybody deserves a shot at redemption.
But this mugshot... whoa.
Florida Man, your name is safe with me, but your ID is inked all over your face.
Which is my long-winded and all-too-serious-for-FMF way of setting up the thing that must be said.
[gets up on soapbox, clears throat, prepares to softly speak]
DON'T HACK WOMEN'S COMPUTERS AND SHARE THEIR PRIVATE INFORMATION ONLINE AND IMPERSONATE THEM AND STALK THEM AND POST WEIRD-A** TIKTOK VIDEOS ABOUT THEM AND TOTALLY SCREW WITH THEIR LIVES.
[clears throat, steps off soapbox, actually speaks softly this time]
And ladies? If a guy who looks like that and calls himself a demonologist offers you tech support, just say no, OK?
I can't believe I had to tell you that.
As always, one point is awarded in each category except when I say so.
SCORE: Went Viral, Class Act, Drugs/Alcohol (the story doesn't say, but c'mon), Criminal Mastermind, Face/Neck Tattoos (times what, a billion?), Impersonation, Recidivism, Glamor Mugshot, Dude You OK? and two Demerits, one to each lady who let that guy into their computers. (11)
TOTAL: 11 FMF Points.
Sir, I Need to Ask You to Swim Out of the Car
Florida Man resists DUI arrest after truck crashes into canal
So another cool thing you can do to stay busy during one of those citywide DUI crackdowns with all the extra police cruisers out on the streets is get yourself good and liquored up and drive like a total dillhole around Cape Coral.
If you're Florida Man, that is.
During Cape Coral's last crackdown a couple of weeks ago, police got a call about a white pickup being driven recklessly, but were unable to locate the vehicle.
That's when Florida Man drove his truck right into a canal, which was pretty convenient, all things considered.
Reminds me of the stand-up comedian from the '80s or '90s who suggested we put in drunk driving lanes. Just make them a foot lower than the regular lanes, and all the drunks will end up in them eventually. I'd vote for that guy, but I digress.
Police went to help Florida Man get to safety, but he wasn't having it. What he was doing was stinking up the outdoors with his breath, slurring his words, and blowing more than double the legal limit.
Come to think of it, maybe the canals are Florida's drunk-driving lanes.
SCORE: Class Act, Drugs/Alcohol, Vehicular Madness, Water Hazard, Police Bodycam, Resisting Arrest, Should Have Taken the L, Dillhole. (8)
RUNNING TOTAL: 19 FMF Points.
Exclusively for our VIPs: Tucker Might Be Ignorant, but at Least He's Evil
It's Complicated
Florida Man accused of selling peyote, mushrooms on Facebook Marketplace
Back in my day — which I'm officially old enough to say, and I'd rather not think about how long that's been true... and where was I?
Back in the day, if you wanted to buy some stuff that maybe wasn't strictly legal, you'd have to know a guy, or maybe know a guy who knew a guy. Or so I've read.
Now? Just hit up Florida Man's Facebook Marketplace for all your peyote and psilocybin needs. He's got you covered.
Or at least he did.
Somehow, police were able to uncover Florida Man's underground hallucinogenic store that he posted on social media for everyone to see. Heck, they were even able to get a warrant based on nothing other than Florida Man's big old virtual I SELL DRUGS HERE sign.
"During the search, detectives seized 131 live plants, along with cultivation and manufacturing supplies," 12 News reported. "Investigators said they recovered about 50 pounds of mescaline-containing cacti and 1.5 pounds of psilocybin mushrooms."
Yeah, that'll get you messed up.
SCORE: Drugs/Alcohol, Criminal Mastermind, Getting Caught Stupidly, Entrepreneurship, Outstanding Warrant(s), WTF Were You Even THINKING? (6)
RUNNING TOTAL: 25 FMF Points
Bonus Florida Video:
Florida man spotted walking raccoon with a leash along beach https://t.co/zLM8im0Wxa via @YouTube @phantomdawg
— Freddie Sykes🇺🇸 (@SykesFredd62684) October 3, 2026
Fatal Attraction but I Really Don't Get the Attraction
Florida Man Ends Affair With Exotic Dancer, Deputies Say Cutting Contact Did Not Go Quietly
Did you ever date a stripper who looks like she's probably dug a few shallow graves in her time?
No?
Well, did you do that behind your wife's back?
Still no? Maybe you need to get out more.
Anyway, Florida Man was indeed seeing Murderous Intent-Looking Florida Stripper on the side, and you'll never believe this, but things went south after he broke it off. Or at least mostly broke it off. The two kept texting until Florida Wife insisted that he stop.
He stopped texting. Murderous Intent-Looking Florida Stripper did not.
"SHES DONE," "YOU JUST F***** UP," "SAY BYE BYE TO YOUR LITTLE FAMILY," "ILL DESTROY YOUR LITTLE F****** FREAK SHOW FAMILY," were among the notes she sent.
So Florida Man reported her number to the police, and the Palm Beach County Sheriff's Office "found that it was not new to its records."
Murderous Intent-Looking Florida Stripper racked up $40,000 worth of bonds, possibly paid in ones.
SCORE: Went Viral, Class Act, Angry Hooker/Stripper, Should Have Taken the L, Getting Caught Stupidly, Face/Neck Tattoos, Domestic Bliss, Glamor Mugshot, WTF Were You Even THINKING? (9)
RUNNING TOTAL: 34 FMF Points.
P.S. There was no story this week worthy of the "Maybe he didn't know that was wrong..." treatment. And if there's one thing I won't allow on Florida Man Friday, it's lowering our standards.
Not All Heroes Wear Capes
Deputies talked a man down off Vilano Bridge, St. Johns County
I've never seen anything like that except in movies or cop shows.
SCORE: The usual three bonus points for Sheer Awesomeness to Florida Deputy, Water Hazard, Police Bodycam, and one more bonus point to Florida Man for accepting help when he needed it most. (6)
RUNNING TOTAL: 40 FMF Points.
Previously on Florida Man Friday: He Tried to Hide the Evidence, but His iPhone Ratted Him Out
So How Did Florida Man Do This Week?
Five scored stories with a total of 40 points for a respectable average of 8 FMF points per report.
Meanwhile, in Ohio...
Ohio man jailed for texting Shrek’s penis to a state senator https://t.co/S2Bb2qIDva
— Ken Klippenstein (@kenklippenstein) October 7, 2026
Where is Andrew Breitbart when we need him most?
A story like that can mean only one thing: Florida Man has exactly one week to reclaim his crown of glory in time for the next exciting episode of...
