It's time for your much-needed break from the serious news, and this week, we'll learn what not to take on your 18th birthday, why you don't bring an ax to an MMA fight, and which personal items will get your luggage snagged at the airport.
Let us begin as we always do with...
The Most Florida Man Story Ever (This Week)
Florida Man ‘stoned to the gills’ claims he’s God, arrested minutes into 18th birthday
I couldn't possibly tell this story any better than Sheriff Grady Judd does in this clip, so you'll just have to watch.
Trust me, it's worth the three minutes.
As always, one point is awarded in each category except when I say so.
SCORE: Burned by Grady, Drugs/Alcohol, Criminal Mastermind, Getting Caught Stupidly, Convenience Store, Impersonation (of a deity), Dillhole, Glamor Mugshot. (8)
TOTAL: 8 FMF Points.
Grand Theft Produce
Florida Man accused of stealing more than $600K worth of onions and potatoes
It should have been the perfect crime.
Florida Man forged emails to divert wholesale produce shipments to his own buyers. Or he forged other documents to show the produce had been paid for when it hadn't been, so he could take the truck.
In all, he got away (briefly) with about $600,000 worth of "onions and potatoes."
I'm a curious guy, so I asked Grok, "Evenly split at today's wholesale prices, how much would $600,000 worth of onions and potatoes weigh?"
According to Grok:
$600,000 total budget → $300,000 for onions + $300,000 for potatoes (even split).
Onions weight: $300,000 ÷ $0.16/lb ≈ 1,875,000 pounds
Potatoes weight: $300,000 ÷ $0.14/lb ≈ 2,142,857 pounds
Total weight: ≈ 4,017,857 pounds (but using conservative mid-range averages of $0.15–$0.17 blended, lands ~3.5–4 million lbs; tighter typical range $0.158/lb average → ~3.8 million lbs total).
That's a lot of dang produce. And I had to go with this story because your typical Florida Man would have tried to put them all in his pants.
Bravo, Florida Produce Thief, for really putting in the extra effort.
SCORE: Entrepreneurship, Impersonation, Criminal Mastermind. (3)
RUNNING TOTAL: 11 FMF Points.
Low score, sure — but he worked so hard for each point.
Exclusively for our VIPs: Nationalism Sucks. Britain Might Need Some Anyway.
Instant Karma's Gonna Get You
Bodycam shows deputies returning fire on Florida Man accused of shooting 2 people
This one is a little more intense than I usually share on Florida Man Friday, but there's just so much going on here that I had to.
Florida Man shot two people, a man and a woman. The man was killed — I know, I never go there on FMF — but the woman survived and managed to call the police. When Florida Man opened fire on Pasco County deputies, all hell broke loose.
One of the cops was hit, causing his pistol to fly from his hand and across the yard. Even hit, the deputy managed to make his way over to recover the firearm. The K-9 maintained composure, not doing anything he wasn't commanded to do, even after his deputy was shot.
The dog was not hit. The deputy has non-life-threatening injuries. The woman is being treated, too.
Florida Man was hit and taken into custody. Frankly, he could have used a few more lead-based instances of Instant Karma.
SCORE: Good Dog, Assaulting a Cop, Police Bodycam, Resisting Arrest, Weapon (Preferably Unusual), Tactical Gear, Should Have Taken the L, Instant Karma, I Just Seriously Don't Understand People Sometimes, and a bonus point for Sheer Awesomeness to the deputy for keeping his wits after getting shot. (10)
RUNNING TOTAL: (21) FMF Points
Bonus Florida Headline: Florida Man accused of stealing US flags from businesses, stowing them in his apartment
You picked the wrong state, pal.
Maybe He Didn't Know That Was Wrong
Florida Man with an ax surprised by MMA fighter
You know what I hate?
You know how sometimes when maybe you might've smoked or taken something you shouldn't have but was real fun and so you're looking for something to do which is when you grab this ax you got because what if you want to go out and do some stuff where you need an ax but you don't have one which is when you walk up to this carwash and you're all like "I got an ax and a carwash this could be fun" but these two teenage boys working there are all like "you have to leave man you have to go" but they can't tell you what to do because you're the one with the ax so you storm those guys ready for action but it turns out one of those brothers is an MMA fighter and the next thing you know you don't have your ax anymore and he whacks you in the face real good with his elbows then gets you in a rear naked hold whatever that is but let me tell you it isn't as fun as it might sound and man those MMA fighters are always in the last place you expect?
Don't you hate that, too?
SCORE: Went Viral, Drugs/Alcohol, Surveillance Video, Weapon (Preferably Unusual), Hold My Beer, Instant Karma, Glamor Mugshot, and a bonus point to 18-year-old MMA master Leodan Pino for enlisting in the military as well as taking down a bad guy. (8)
RUNNING TOTAL: 29 FMF Points.
Not All Heroes Wear Capes
Caution: This report contains high-powered internet transmissible onion fumes.
When Suzi Goldsmith first walked into the old Boca Raton Animal Shelter in 1986, she knew something had to change. The dogs were outdoors in the heat, there was no roof over the kennels, and euthanasia was routine. With fellow volunteer Jeannette Christos, she made a decision that would alter the trajectory of animal welfare in South Florida.
They left the city shelter, bought a small, rundown property in Lake Worth Beach, and began rescuing animals on their own terms. For years, they worked informally, sheltering nearly 100 dogs at a time and adopting animals out through places like PetSmart. In 1996, Tri-County Animal Rescue became an official nonprofit.
When the City of Boca Raton put its municipal animal shelter out to bid, Goldsmith and her team stepped forward. They secured a 75-year lease and took on full responsibility for the land, the buildings and animal control pickups. “The first thing we did was put a roof on,” she says. “And the day we took it over, we stopped euthanasia. That was our shining hour.”
More: "The rescue also operates the Lois Pope Pet Clinic, opened five years ago to provide pro bono and accessible veterinary care that helps families keep their pets. There’s also a food pantry, assistance for residents who cannot afford pet care, and a thrift shop that supports people in need."
Since 1996, Suzi and her organization have found homes for nearly 100,000 dogs and cats — and they're looking to expand.
SCORE: The usual three bonus points for Sheer Awesomeness, Good Dog (and cat!), and let's just pretend I awarded a bonus point to the shelter for each and every rescued animal. (4)
RUNNING TOTAL: 33 FMF Points.
Previously on Florida Man Friday: Finally, Another Stolen Ambulance
So How Did Florida Man Do This Week?
Five scored stories with a total of 33 points for a well-earned average of 6.6.
Meanwhile, in Miami (but it's Texas Man)...
Texas man flying to London caught with 75 pounds of pot in luggage at Miami airport, police say https://t.co/YSW6XbRJot
— NBC DFW (@NBCDFW) March 10, 2026
Does Texas Man have even the slightest clue what they charge for suitcases over 50 pounds?
A story like that can mean only one thing: Florida Man has exactly one week to reclaim his crown of glory in time for the next exciting episode of...
Florida Man Friday
P.S. Don't miss Five O'Clock Somewhere with Stephen Kruiser, Yours Truly, and special guest Cam Edwards at 4 p.m. Eastern today. There will be day drinking.
