While having coffee with another comic last weekend, the conversation turned to Christopher Nolan's blockbuster The Odyssey and the ridiculous running time of a lot of movies in recent years. There are plenty of sound reasons for not wanting to see a three-hour film in the theater, but the biggest one doesn't get talked about often enough in polite company: nobody wants to hold it that long without going to the bathroom.
Yes, I mentioned my prostate in the headline, but honestly, it's not the nightmare that it is supposed to be at my age. The reality is that I don't recall ever having gone out in public for three hours without having to hit the head. Here in the Sonoran Desert, a dry spell like that is cause for a wellness check.
I'm old enough to not only casually mention my prostate in almost any conversation — which I don't, by the way — but also to remember when movies in theaters had intermissions. There was a time when we could drink all of the soda that we wanted to because we knew that there was a scheduled relief period. Most of us were in the restroom before the "Let's All Go to the Lobby" animation finished.
One of my favorite things about the theater experience here in the 21st century is that theaters sell beer. It's a real pleasure downing a cold brew or two in the lobby bar before heading in to see the show. I am, however, on the clock for a movie runtime of maybe 1:45 after pregaming with cervezas.
It would seem that Christopher Nolan doesn't want anyone to drink beer before watching his films, and that makes me sad. The Odyssey has a runtime of 2:53, which is at least a full hour longer than I ever want to sit in a room full of strangers who are tossing their trash on the floor. Kudos to Nolan for at least taking a stab at being a bit more economical in his storytelling. His previous blockbuster — Oppenheimer — clocked in at an even three hours.
Baby steps.
This isn't just about my God-given right as an American to be able to pause a movie whenever I want to in order to attend to various needs; it's also about my lifelong lack of patience, as well as my enormous ego. I don't like paying attention to anyone or anything that's not me for that long. The only thing that has a shot at holding my interest for three hours is a full-length mirror, and that still requires a decent beer buzz.
It should be noted that I am a fan of Christopher Nolan's work. Every few years, I like to spend a weekend rewatching Inception just to try and figure out what the heck is going on.
The mirrors all stay covered then.
Click the button to get the Morning Briefing emailed to you every weekday. Have your coffee with me, people. It's free, and it supports conservative media!
