Introducing Schrödinger's Ayatollah

Schrödinger's Cat is both (or is it neither?) alive and/or dead, but exists in an undetermined state inside a closed box along with a single radioactive atom, a Geiger counter, a hammer, and a vial of poison gas, because there's nothing weirder than a bored physicist.

The point of Erwin Schrödinger's Gedankenexperiment (thought experiment) was to highlight the absurdity of quantum superposition, where subatomic particles can exist in multiple states at once until measured by conscious human beings. The radioactive element might (or might not) decay at any given moment, activating the Geiger counter that's rigged to a hammer that smashes the vial filled with cyanide gas.

Schrödinger's contraption, according to hip theories, should remain in superposition — that is, with the cat both alive and dead — until observed by opening the box. Anyway, in Iran this week we have what might be a real-world case of Schrödinger's Cat, or to put a finer point on it, Schrödinger's ayatollah.

As near as anyone can tell, nepo baby Mojtaba Khamenei exists in an actual state of superposition.

Two, really. Khamenei the Younger exists in not one but two states of superposition: both (or neither?) alive and dead, and simultaneously the Supreme Leader… and not.

Don't bother taking notes on this one — even I'm too confused to put together a quiz for the end of this column.

But fancy theories aside, let's look at what we know/don't know about the man who would be/won't be king.

And Another Thing: That three-word headline is a mouthful, and I apologize for nothing.

As I'm sure you know by now, Mojtaba's dad, the Ayatollah Ali Khamenei, was killed by Israeli warplanes one lovely Saturday morning during the opening minutes of Israel's half of the current operation, which they call Roaring Lion.

More than a week went by before Iran's 88-member Assembly of Experts managed to name Mojtaba as Ali's successor as "the third Leader of the sacred system of the Islamic Republic of Iran."

But even that might not be all it seems.

While the Assembly of Experts announced the formal decision, in reality, it was likely militants in the Iranian Revolutionary Guard Corps making the call. Mojtaba is considered a hardliner rather than an "austere religious scholar," and on Monday, the Times of Israel reported that his appointment "locks hardliners firmly in control in Tehran — a gamble that could reshape Iran’s war with the US and Israel and reverberate far beyond the Middle East."

The paper also concluded that Mojtaba means "expanded authority for the Islamic Revolutionary Guard Corps (IRGC), harsher domestic controls and sweeping repression to crush dissent."

But he also owes his position to the IRGC, unofficially making the ayatollah subordinate to the military for the first time in the Islamic state's 47-year history.

And yet… Mojtaba's figurehead status might be even less than it appears because there's also the question of whether Mojtaba remains upright and breathing. Also on Monday, Iran state television confirmed that Mojtaba was wounded, presumably during an airstrike. AP reported: "The anchors read reports describing him as 'janbaz' or wounded by the enemy," even as they parade him around — virtually only! — as the new boss.

Mojtaba has yet to be seen in public since his promotion. Strange way to reassure the public about the succession, yes?

And Another Thing: There's a "photo" circulating on social media of Khamenei the Younger in a hospital bed. It's AI slop. Ignore it.

In addition to Ali Khamenei, also believed dead in the compound airstrike is the elder Khamenei's wife, a daughter, a grandchild, a son-in-law, and Mojtaba's wife.

Maybe it's a bit of a stretch to believe that coalition airpower took out so much of the Khamenei family, except for the one guy the IRGC needed as a well-known figurehead to consolidate its power during a chaotic time when one military and theocratic leader after another gets chalked up as KIA.

But the point is, we don't know. He's Schrödinger's ayatollah.

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