It's time for your much-needed break from the serious news, and this week, we'll learn how not to spend a couple of days in the woods, when to quit running from the police, and why two female North Carolina police needed to call in a civilian for backup.
Let us begin as we always do with...
The Most Florida Man Story Ever (This Week)
Florida Man confesses to killing, eating his pet peacocks after dispute with neighbor
We read some weird stories together in all the years I've been writing Florida Man Friday, but this one might just be the wrongest ever. While I almost never post stories involving murder or animal cruelty, today I had to make an exception:
The arrest affidavit stated that at about 9 p.m. that Tuesday, deputies were called to a home after a woman said her neighbor left a letter in her mailbox claiming, "he killed two of his pet peacocks because she continued feeding them."
The deputies then spoke with the accused who admitted to placing the letter in the woman's mailbox to "prove a point" and told them he would continue to kill his pet peacocks if she continued to feed them, the affidavit said.
He killed and ate his own birds to get back at someone for feeding them?
You'll be shocked to learn that Florida Man "has an extensive criminal record."
As always, one point is awarded in each category except when I say so.
SCORE: Went Viral, Criminal Mastermind, Recidivism, I Just Seriously Don't Understand People Sometimes, and a WTF Were You Even THINKING? for each of the slaughtered birds.
TOTAL: 6 FMF Points.
Lost and Found and WHAT?
Missing Florida Woman found naked in ditch after crashing car into canal planned to stay in woods
Did you ever crash your car in a canal then decide to take off all your clothes and hang out in the woods for a couple of days until the police find you?
No?
Just Florida Woman, then. Weird:
Detectives said Florida Woman had planned to stay at an Airbnb for two nights, but the location of the Airbnb was unknown. They added that she left Jacksonville with a teal-colored electric bicycle (E-Bike) secured in the back of her vehicle. The e-bike was not located with her car.
At that time, the sheriff’s office put out a missing persons alert stating that Florida Woman's whereabouts were unknown and her welfare was a matter of concern.
On October 1, 2025, several people called 911 around 5:35 a.m., reporting a naked woman lying in a ditch.
Deputies from the Patrol Operations Bureau, along with St. Lucie County Fire Rescue, went to the scene and identified Florida Woman… [who] did confirm she had crashed her vehicle, removed her clothing, and walked into the woods with the intent of staying there for several days.
So what happened to the e-bike? I dunno, but authorities took her to the hospital, even though her only complaint was "irritation from fire ant bites."
Don't ask where.
SCORE: Vehicular Madness, Drugs/Alcohol (the story doesn't say, but c'mon), Water Hazard, Élan, Dangerous Wildlife, Public Nudity, Hide & Seek, Dude You OK?
RUNNING TOTAL: 14 FMF Points.
Exclusively for our VIPs: Superman Must Be Destroyed
'Return to the Scene of the Crime' Not Just a Cliché
This is a real thing he did:
Florida man stole $7,000 worth of scratch-off lottery tickets from a gas station convenience store, then returned to the very same location less than two hours later and attempted – unsuccessfully – to cash in his winners, according to a probable cause affidavit reviewed by The Independent.
After equally unsuccessful second and third tries suspect instead used a replica handgun to rob a nearby 7-Eleven, making off with $120 and a pack of Newport cigarettes, the affidavit states.
Under questioning by police, Farley allegedly confessed, telling officers that he simply “needed money.”
Yeah, for bail.
#ProTip: As long as you're stealing your smokes, next time, grab the whole carton. You'd think a guy with "a significant criminal history" would know that.
SCORE: Getting Caught Stupidly, Criminal Mastermind, Surveillance Video, Élan, Weapon (Preferably Unusual), Recidivism, Convenience Store.
RUNNING TOTAL: 21 FMF Points
Bonus Florida Video:
That was oddly satisfying.
Maybe He Didn't Know That Was Wrong
You know what I hate?
You know when it's been a couple weeks since the last time you got arrested for driving on a suspended license when for whatever reason the cops pull you over for driving on a suspended license and you're all like "it just isn't fair cause they already caught me for that" so you pull over and you take off running and you're cutting through all these yards and jumping over all these fences but your legs are starting to give out because your exercise routine of driving around on a suspended license doesn't seem to be doing much for your cardio and it isn't like you're going to get away anyway because the cops got a dog and a drone and guns and stuff which you now may wish you'd have thought about sooner so you throw off your shirt because you're so hot from all the running and the cop is all like "quit being f***** dramatic" and you're all like "You came out fresh; there was no way I was running from you" which maybe sounded cooler in your head and then you're sitting in jail on a whole bunch of charges including some "habitual offender" charge which is BS because you wouldn't be one if they'd quit pulling you over for stuff they already caught you doing.
Don't you hate that, too?
SCORE: Suspended License/Expired Tags, Police Bodycam, The Inevitable Helicopter (Or Drone), Resisting Arrest, Police Chase, Should Have Taken the L, Face/Neck Tattoos, Recidivism, and a Bonus Point for Drama.
Nine, nice!
RUNNING TOTAL: 30 FMF Points.
Not All Heroes Wear Capes
Hero dog leads police to Florida Woman, 86, who had fallen while walking him
Here we go again with another dog story — and, nope, you still can't stop me.
Why would you even try?
Here you go:
The woman’s husband reported her missing on the night of 25 September after she failed to return from her walk in their Destin neighborhood in the panhandle region of the US state.
“She just takes that dog, but she never takes more than 10 or 15 minutes,” the worried husband told Devon Miller, an Okaloosa county sheriff’s deputy, according to the footage released on Monday. “It’s almost an hour now. It’s over an hour now.”
Miller drove around the neighborhood until she spotted Eeyore in the middle of the road. The dog trotted up to the deputy, who responded: “Hi! Where’s your mommy?”
The dog then led her to the nearby spot where the woman had fallen.
“He practically dragged me to her,” Miller later said in a video the department released on social media on Wednesday.
Good boy.
But wait, there's more:
The woman, who was alert and later taken to a medical facility, was astonished that Eeyore had guided the deputy to her, noting that it was not even her dog.
“He came up to your car?” the woman asked Miller. “Oh, sweetheart … Oh Eeyore, you’re such a good boy. Grandma loves you.”
An 86-year-old woman walks a dog that isn't even hers, and it inspires this much loyalty in him.
Dogs are the best. Especially Eeyore.
SCORE: Good Dog, The Elderly, the usual three bonus points for Sheer Awesomeness to Eeyore, and I have to give one each to both the deputy and to Florida Woman.
RUNNING TOTAL: 37 FMF Points.
Previously on Florida Man Friday: That's a MAN, Baby!
So How Did Florida Man Do This Week?
Five scored stories with a total of 37 points for a truly impressive average of 7.4.
If that isn't a record, it's got to be a tie.
Meanwhile, in North Carolina...
Two female police officers vs a short maybe 130lb male.
— Mrgunsngear (@Mrgunsngear) September 10, 2025
Who wins?
Plot twist - the male does until a male bystander steps in and subdues the 130lb male.
Should women be allowed to be patrol officers 🤔#CityLife #cop #hooters #wings #police #women #19th pic.twitter.com/QNusmiNLvN
Look, I understand that people aren't supposed to take the law into their own hands. But when the law's hands are tiny and feminine and not up to the task, then what's a civilian to do?
A story like that can mean only one thing: Florida Man has exactly one week to reclaim his crown of glory in time for the next exciting episode of...
Florida Man Friday
P.S. Don't miss Five O'Clock Somewhere with Stephen Kruiser, Yours Truly, and special guest Ed Morrissey at 3 p.m. Eastern today. There will be day drinking.
