Florida Man Friday: That's a MAN, Baby!

It's time for your much-needed break from the serious news, and this week, we'll learn why you don't want to cross Sheriff Grady Judd's radar, where not to swing your machete, and what's even nastier than a moose bite.

Let us begin as we always do with...

The Most Florida Man Story Ever (This Week)

Florida CANNOT be a real place..

😭😭😭 pic.twitter.com/zeBYnwLGYt
— American AF 🇺🇸 (@iAnonPatriot) September 28, 2025

I love Polk County Sheriff Grady Judd, but I hardly ever feature him because his reports are already so dryly funny that he leaves me with nothing to do.

This week, though, I can't resist and yield the floor for the next 70 seconds to Sheriff Judd. Just trust me and press play.

The guy in back on the right, trying not to laugh... we are all that guy.

Florida Male Crossdressing Prostitute was arrested during a "massive operation in September to stop human trafficking and prostitution."

As always, one point is awarded in each category except when I say so.

SCORE: Angry Hooker, Master of Disguise, Drugs/Alcohol (the story doesn't say, but c'mon), Someone's Bottom Area, Recidivism, Glamor Mugshot, Went Viral, I Just Seriously Don't Understand People Sometimes, and I award Judd one bonus point for Élan.

TOTAL: 9 FMF Points.

Solid start, Florida Man. Thank you, Sheriff Judd.

It's Always in the Last Place You Look

Florida Woman goes on an armed rampage over a ‘stolen’ phone

I used to think it was just a funny TV trope where the guy is looking all over the place for his reading glasses that are either perched on top of his head, nestled in the front of his shirt collar, or — this is the worst one — in his hand the entire time.

But then, sometime around age 50, I started finding myself looking all over for my reading glasses that were either perched on top of my head, nestled in the front of my shirt collar, or — it really is the worst one — in my hand the entire time.

So this Florida Woman story is a lot like that. Only, instead of looking for her reading glasses, she was looking for her iPhone. But instead of thinking it was lost, she thought the nice young man she'd given a lift to had stolen it. And instead of looking around, she was drunkenly waving a revolver around, and going house to house, demanding to know where her phone was, accusing neighbors of harboring the thief, etc., until — surprise! — the police showed up.

Her iPhone was on the driver's side floorboard of her SUV.

SCORE: Drugs/Alcohol, Weapon (Preferably Unusual), Likely Story, WTF Were You Even THINKING?

RUNNING TOTAL: 13 FMF Points.

Exclusively for our VIPs: Why We Love Our Dogs — and How We Say Goodbye

The Odder Couple

Florida Man Arrested After Allegedly Shooting 'Parasite' Roommate with Crossbow

Do you ever catch your roommate drinking your vodka, so you fire your crossbow at him, get in a fight that you lose, and tell the cops you aren't even sorry you tried to kill?

No?

Just Florida Man then.

SCORE: Drugs/Alcohol, The Elderly, Weapon (Preferably Unusual), Way to Take the L, Domestic Bliss.

RUNNING TOTAL: 18 FMF Points

Bonus Florida Headline: Florida Man accused of going 124 mph, tells troopers he ‘had to use the bathroom’

"Oh, that's OK, then," is exactly what police didn't say.

Maybe He Didn't Know That Was Wrong

Florida Man caught on bodycam video swinging machete at police officer at Walmart

You know what I hate?

You know how sometimes you've been maybe doing a little stuff or maybe drinking a little so you decide to grab your favorite Walmart on a Friday to see what's happening and you're just having a great old time carrying that machete around when for whatever reason people start freaking out and running away just because maybe you might have swung that big old razor sharp machete around when somebody you don't even know why calls the police and apparently they got this thing against waving around machetes because they get there real quick even though it's a Friday night but you got this master escape plan because all those scared people are running for the exit which is why you grab a shopping cart and stick your machete in it like you just bought it new from this very same Walmart and you're all walking out of there real calmly but the cops stop you anyway so you take the machete out and start swinging it some more so they can see how cool it is but the next thing you know those cops are hitting you and tasing you and stuff even though you only cut that one cop on the arm a little bit?

Don't you hate that, too?

SCORE: Drugs/Alcohol (the story doesn't say, but c'mon), Tasered, Assaulting a Cop, Élan, Police Bodycam, Resisting Arrest, Weapon (Preferably Unusual), Walmart/Target, Dude You OK?

RUNNING TOTAL: 27 FMF Points.

Have we ever had a week with TWO nine-point stories? I don't think so.

Not All Heroes Wear Capes (Some Wear Little Vests)

Fort Myers guide dog is up for national Hero Dog title

"Another dog story, Steve?"

That's right. You can't stop me.

The story:

[Terry] Galgano served 25 years in the Army, and now works as Director of Outreach for the Blinded Veteran’s Association. Her job has her flying around the country about once a month. Legally blind herself, all that travel is no problem for Galgano, thanks to Donald’s top-notch navigation skills.
“I don't think I would travel as much as I do if I didn't have Donald,” Galgano said. “He makes traveling through airports a breeze. He leads me through traffic, takes me to the women's bathroom. He's an incredible aide for navigation for me.”
Galgano nominated Donald for Hero Dog of the American Humane Society because, she says, his off-the-charts intelligence, intuition, and heart, have brought independence and even joy back to her life after she lost her central vision.

Donald's page here.

Two of my dearest friends train guide dogs, and it's a lot of work. It's draining, too, because they take a tiny little puppy, raise it and train it as their own for 16 months (IIRC), and then have to give it up. What isn't often appreciated is how difficult the training is for the dogs, too — only about 40% pass and become guide dogs.

Donald is already among the best of the best.

SCORE: Good Dog, the usual three bonus points for Sheer Awesomeness to Donald, and one more to Terry Galgano for her work with vets.

RUNNING TOTAL: 34 FMF Points.

Previously on Florida Man Friday: My Invisible Imaginary Husband Was Driving the Car, Officer