It's time for your much-needed break from the serious news, and this week, we'll learn how to pin the blame on your imaginary husband, why you don't want to make the hooker angry, and what that thing is the police just wrapped around the axle of your stolen car.
Let us begin as we always do with...
The Most Florida (Wo)Man Story Ever (This Week)
Florida Woman sprays man with Silly String, throws empty can at his head during attack at restaurant
"Who's silly now, huh? HUH?"
When I first came across this story, I filed it below under "Bonus Florida Headline," exactly as you see it above. But then I came across a more detailed report, and, well, here's where I have to go all Paul Harvey and tell you...
...the rest of the story.
This was no ordinary Florida Woman Silly String assault. This was Angry Florida Hooker Silly String assault:
As detailed in an arrest affidavit, Florida Woman, 48, “confronted the victim” and “began spraying” him with Silly String until the can was empty. She then allegedly threw the can at the victim.
The Silly String struck Florida Man in the forehead, “causing a laceration.”
The affidavit does not identify a motive for the 9 PM fusillade.
I think we can guess. Whatever it was, he did not pay the extra $100 for it.
More:
Florida Woman was arrested for battery. She spent a night in custody before being freed Friday on $1000 bond.
The phone number listed for the defendant in court records turns up on an escort service website that includes a variety of explicit photos of Florida Woman.
A recent post notes that Florida Woman "is back in the saddle, and ready to ride.”
Silly String, no extra charge.
As always, one point is awarded in each category except when I say so.
SCORE: Weapon (Preferably Unusual), Angry Hooker (new!), I Just Seriously Don't Understand People Sometimes, and a bonus point for whatever the up-charge was for.
TOTAL: 4 FMF Points.
Four points? That's all? For an angry hooker with a can of Silly String? Even after I tacked on the bonus point and made up a new category?
I need to spend the weekend rethinking my life.
'Pull Over, I'm (Not) the Police!'
Florida Man accused of impersonating officer with siren, flashing lights
If I'm being honest, I have to admit I'm a bit jealous I didn't think of this myself:
Florida Man was arrested Sunday after a trooper with the Florida Highway Patrol said he used flashing lights and a siren to force drivers out of his way while speeding down Interstate 75 in Sumter County.
Troopers reported Florida Man used flashing amber and white lights along with a siren to force drivers to move aside while he sped southbound at 80 mph in a 70 mph zone. Inside his Dodge Ram, investigators found a "siren box" capable of mimicking tones used by patrol cars.
I'm only a bit jealous because everyone knows that the ideal way of dealing with slow drivers in the left lane is with a hood-mounted missile launcher.
There's also some gross stuff in this story about Florida Man having a criminal history as a sexual predator, and police not knowing (or revealing?) whether he'd used his siren to pull people over, so I'm going to pretend he was just making people get out of the way.
SCORE: Impersonation, Vehicular Madness, Criminal Mastermind, Recidivism, Glamor Mugshot.
RUNNING TOTAL: 9 FMF Points.
Exclusively for our VIPs: You Say You Want a Counterrevolution?
'A Full Stadium of Red Flags'
NEW: Drunk woman blames husband for driving the wrong way down the interstate but she was the only person in the car
— Unlimited L's (@unlimited_ls) September 21, 2025
Florida Highway Patrol officer stopped a car on Interstate 4 using a PIT maneuver
The driver showed signs of impairment and was arrested
Her breath alcohol… pic.twitter.com/GAD2KA8uGj
In all the years I've been writing Florida Man Friday, I've never done this before: just post the video and have you watch it without any additional commentary.
Because there are no words I could possibly write to heighten the absurdity that is Florida Woman blaming her invisible imaginary husband for driving the wrong way down the highway she didn't know she was driving down the wrong way, even though she says he wasn't in the car at the time and that she only had "two bars" to drink.
Well, what do you know? I did it!
SCORE: Police Chase, Likely Story, Went Viral, Drugs/Alcohol, Vehicular Madness, PIT Maneuver/Stop Sticks, Police Bodycam, Dash Cam, Domestic Bliss, and a bonus point for Sheer Awesomeness to the X commenter who provided the "Red Flag" headline.
10, wow — and not even one angry hooker.
RUNNING TOTAL: 18 FMF Points
Bonus Florida Headline: Florida Man thought it was a good idea to yell at bears to ‘haze’ them away from his house. It wasn’t.
You might think "It wasn't" would be unnecessary, but this is Florida Man we're talking about.
Maybe He Didn't Know That Was Wrong
Florida Man nearly hits officer after doing burnout ‘to impress girls’
You know what I hate?
You know how sometimes you've maybe had a few beers or whatever and you're out in your pickup looking for girls to impress with how stupid you can drive at 2 a.m. on a Sunday so you're flying down Old Main Street in Bradenton when you see some girls that might not even be angry hookers so you do this really cool burnout on one of those decorative crosswalk things and you got your tires squealing and all this smoke billowing but maybe you cut it a little close and the girls gotta run out of the way but then it turns out there was cops there on the sidewalk too so you take off but the cops hop in their car and pull you over and you fail the field sobriety test even though it was only a few beers or whatever and they take you in so you're sitting there in jail wondering if girls are impressed with a DUI and three counts of aggravated assault with a deadly weapon because that's what they say your truck is and also reckless driving and maybe some special charges for damaging the special crosswalk?
Don't you hate that, too?
SCORE: Vehicular Madness, Drugs/Alcohol, Assaulting a Cop, Weapon (Preferably Unusual), Fleeing the Scene, Instant Karma, WTF Were You Even THINKING?
RUNNING TOTAL: 26 FMF Points.
Not All Heroes Wear Capes
Letter written by flight attendant who died in 9/11 attacks makes it to her son 24 years later
Caution: This report contains hazardous amounts of internet-transmissible onion fumes:
A special arrival came by mail for a Florida man.
It’s a letter dated March of 2001 from a woman who died in the Sept. 11 terrorist attacks that same year.
Jevon Castrillo, the real recipient of the letter, lives in Fort Pierce.
“It’s like a piece of history right here,” Castrillo said.
He also called it “an ancient artifact;” it’s one that is full of praise.
“Dear Ms. Thurman, Jevon read a book last night that he brought home from the library. He read it from cover to cover. I told him I would write you a note and tell you what an outstanding job he did,” the letter starts.
Lyles, a former Fort Pierce detective, was a flight attendant on board Flight 93 when it crashed in Shanksville, Pennsylvania, on Sept. 11.
The writer of the letter was Castrillo’s mother, Cee Lee Ross Lyles.
Here's the last line from the story: "A father now to a 3-month-old, Castrillo said he’ll continue to make his mother proud since he knows she was proud of him."
No points for this one, just a lot of love.
Previously on Florida Man Friday: I Can't Even Put This Week's Top Story in the Headline
So How Did Florida Man Do This Week?
Four scored stories with a total of 26 points for a respectable average of 6.5, and we have one blitzed-out, barely dressed, green-haired, septum-ring girl to thank for it.
But I'm still reeling over Silly String-wielding Angry Florida Escort only getting four points.
Meanwhile, in Michigan...
Michigan State Police have released dash cam showing how a stolen vehicle’s axle was ripped off by a tire grappler pic.twitter.com/4iqotIUkq9
— Chief Nerd (@TheChiefNerd) August 29, 2025
I've watched this at least six times already.
A video like that can mean only one thing: Florida Man has exactly one week to reclaim his crown of glory in time for the next exciting episode of...
Florida Man Friday
P.S. Don't miss Five O'Clock Somewhere with Stephen Kruiser, Yours Truly, and special guest Jamie K. Wilson at 3 p.m. Eastern today. There will be day drinking. Pants optional.
