It's time for your much-needed break from the serious news, and this week, we'll learn where foot models draw the line, how not to impersonate a nurse, and what they're driving in Canada these days.
Let us begin as we always do with...
The Most Florida Man Story Ever (This Week)
Is there really anything to add after that headline? It really says it all — except for the part where he also offered her $1,000 for her used sneakers. Or this choice detail: "The foot lover was arrested on Thursday after he attempted to book another room in the same hotel."
Oy.
One more thing.
I don't mean in any way to denigrate Florida Foot Model or her career choice. The world needs foot models, after all, and I'm sure she has lovely feet. However that's determined. But if you're on a dating app called Seeking and you put "foot model" right there in your profile, you had better screen VERY VERY HARD before swiping right and agreeing to meet him in a hotel room so he can buy your used shoes.
As always, one point is awarded in each category except when I say so.
SCORE: Went Viral, Vehicular Madness, Fleeing the Scene, Glamor Mugshot, Getting Caught Stupidly, and an all-new bonus point for I Just Seriously Don't Understand People Sometimes.
TOTAL: 6 FMF Points.
Hello, Not-Nurse!
Florida Man impersonating nurse arrested at job interview
My second-favorite part was when Florida Man asked, "What did I do?" after getting caught in a police sting operation doing the thing he kept doing.
But my favorite part is just 12 seconds into the video, when we learn Florida Man had already been hired twice as a nurse, but lasted less than a week at each job.
Let's think about that for a moment.
The question isn't, "Should I impersonate a nurse?" because in Florida Man's case, clearly the answer is "Yes." We may never know why*. We almost certainly don't want to.
The question, then, is, "Am I good enough at impersonating a nurse to not get caught at it?" In Florida Man's case, clearly the answer is "No." We may never know why he persisted until he got caught. We almost certainly got a laugh out of it, though.
SCORE: Impersonation, Likely Story, Drugs/Alcohol, Criminal Mastermind, Getting Caught Stupidly.
RUNNING TOTAL: 11 FMF Points.
*We do know why. He was apparently stealing drugs.
Exclusively for our VIPs: Charlie Kirk's Assassination Changes Everything
It Had to Be Florida Woman
Florida Woman Bites Dog to Save Her Own Terrier
You know the rule: "Dog bites man" isn't newsworthy but "Man bites dog" is.
It's a clever formulation because people just don't bite dogs. Until they do.
And it had to be Florida Woman, didn't it?
Details:
A nearly 70-year-old woman fought off a pit bull who was attacking her smaller dog by biting it on the neck.
A surveillance video shows the moment Shirley Pasamanick fought off the larger dog outside a grocery store in Orlando, Florida, to protect her pet.
"I'll be 70 at the end of this month. I'm 91 pounds. I had no muscle. I did what I could," she said about the altercation.
Exit quote: "She said that the 14-year-old terrier Sparky was her 'baby' and that she was thankful he was safe. 'I can't lose him—not to something like that.'"
Brava!
I almost filed this one under "Not All Heroes Wear Capes," but I already had a good story lined up for that, as you'll see.
SCORE: Dangerous Wildlife, Surveillance Video, The Elderly, Demerit (to Newsweek's Alia Shoaib for failing to work in a "man bites dog" reference), and three bonus points for Sheer Awesomeness to Florida Woman for doing whatever needed to be done to save Sparky.
RUNNING TOTAL: 18 FMF Points
Bonus Florida Headline: Florida Man says he drove 120 mph because he thought he was ‘racing’ the cop
"Oh, that's OK then," is exactly what police didn't say.
Maybe He Didn't Know That Was Wrong
Florida Man tries to run over a federal agent to get away from Texas police
You know what I hate?
You know how sometimes you get in some trouble back home in Florida for maybe buying and selling stuff the state and even the feds don't want you buying or selling even though you're really just providing a community service but whatever so you take off for Texas because that's a real big state and not some stupid skinny one that's all full of gators and stuff so maybe they won't find you there but somehow the Department of Homeland Security finds you there and you're all like "How the hell did Homeland Security get involved?" and these cops try to serve this warrant on you so you take off in your car and try to run down that Homeland Security guy so he can't chase you but he jumps out of the way and you're flying through San Angelo with the cops in pursuit only they make your car crash with one of those PIT maneuvers which is when you take off on foot but they fire those beanbag rounds at you and tase the crap out of you and the next thing you know you're sitting in jail on a bunch of new charges on top of the old ones?
Don't you hate that, too?
SCORE: Resisting Arrest, Vehicular Madness, Police Chase, Drugs/Alcohol, Tasered, Should Have Taken the L, PIT Maneuver/Stop Sticks, Outstanding Warrant(s)
RUNNING TOTAL: 26 FMF Points.
Not All Heroes Wear Capes
Veterans receive hero’s welcome after emotional honor flight
I love these stories:
More than 70 veterans returned to Fort Lauderdale Saturday night after an unforgettable Honor Flight to Washington, D.C., where they visited memorials honoring their service in World War II, Korea, and Vietnam.
“It was very emotional. It felt good,” said Vietnam veteran Reddick Clark, one of 11 veterans from the Florida Keys — a record number for the region.
The day included a moving visit to Arlington National Cemetery to witness the Changing of the Guard.
“I feel the best I’ve felt in years,” said fellow veteran Bob Parker.
Supporters greeted the veterans with cheers, salutes, and tears, making it a powerful homecoming. The next Honor Flight is set for October.
In high school, I applied for and got to attend Presidential Classroom in D.C. for a week. Luckier still, I was selected to actually take part in a wreath-laying at the Tomb of the Unknown Soldier. Many years later, an acquaintance who worked closely with casino-owner Sheldon Adelson invited my wife Melissa and me to attend one of the Adelson family's huge Support Our Troops events/job fairs for wounded warriors in Las Vegas.
Needless to say, both moved me deeply — not just because of what we owe our veterans, but the people who do these things for them.
SCORE: So that's the usual three bonus points for Sheer Awesomeness to the Florida vets who took part, and another three bonus points for Sheer Awesomeness to the organizers. Plus a Demerit for whoever released all those internet-transmissible onion fumes.
RUNNING TOTAL: 33 FMF Points.
Did I just run up the total for a story about honoring our vets? You're damn right I did!
Previously on Florida Man Friday: That's a Gun in My Pants AND I'm Happy to See You
So How Did Florida Man Do This Week?
Five scored stories with a total of 33 points (wow!) for a near-record average of 6.6.
That makes me feel so much better about taking last week off.
Meanwhile, in Canada...
Canadian Police Arrest Man Driving Barbie Toy Jeep in Rush Hour Traffic
You'll be shocked, shocked to learn that Canada Man had been drinking. And had a suspended license.
I just want to know how he fit in that Barbie Jeep.
A story like that can mean only one thing: Florida Man has exactly one week to reclaim his crown of glory in time for the next exciting episode of...
Florida Man Friday
P.S. Don't miss Five O'Clock Somewhere with Stephen Kruiser, Yours Truly, and special guest Ashley McCully at 3 p.m. Eastern today. There will be day drinking.
Also, thank you again for your VIP membership because it let me write about something today other than... you know.
