It's time for your much-needed break from the serious news, and this week, we'll learn how to get the police's attention with undo haste, the uncomfortable truth about freelance dentistry, and why Kentucky Woman is your next ex-girlfriend.
Let us begin as we always do with…
The Most Florida Man Story Ever (This Week)
'Drunk' Florida man allegedly fired gunshots at 3 police officers to 'get their attention'
You know when you're underage, drinking, are carrying two guns without a permit (one of which is stolen), and decide you need to get the attention of some police officers by shooting at them?
No?
Just Florida Man then.
So Florida Man — drunk and very well armed — saw three officers eating dinner at a church parking lot and fired a few rounds their way. Their curiosity piqued, the cops decided to look around, talked to Florida Man, who admitted to being a "little drunk" and having a pistol in his pocket and another in his backpack.
He was taken directly to jail, did not pass go, and did not collect $200.
He did, however, "succeed in getting our attention," according to Winter Springs Police Chief Matt Tracht.
As always, one point is awarded in each category except when I say so.
SCORE: Drugs/Alcohol, Weapon (Preferably Unusual), Criminal Mastermind, Way to Take the L, Instant Karma, WTF Were You Even THINKING?
TOTAL: 6 FMF Points.
I Got Nothin' for a Headline for This One
Florida Man wakes woman up by mumbling next to her bed, deputies catch him sleeping in her car
Florida Woman woke up early Tuesday morning the way so many of us do, with a drugged-out Florida Man she didn't know standing next to her bed, mumbling and disoriented. He'd already eaten some of her snacks in the kitchen and taken off some of his clothes, so at least he didn't wake her too, too early.
She yelled at him until he left, which he did. Kind of. Instead of leaving-leaving, he passed out in her car, which is where police found him soon after. Police had to pull him out of the car because he either wouldn't or couldn't get out on his own.
Whatever Florida Man was on, he seems to have still been on it for his mugshot.
Sweet dreams!
SCORE: Drugs/Alcohol, Public Nudity, Resisting Arrest, Hide & Seek, Domestic Bliss, Glamor Mugshot, Dude You OK?
RUNNING TOTAL: 13 FMF Points
Exclusively for our VIPs: Ukraine Found Russia’s Weak Spot — and It’s ON FIRE
I Need to See Your License and Registration, Please
Florida Woman arrested for unlicensed dental work used 'crazy glue' on victims teeth
You know how a deal seems too good to be true but then you go and let some random woman put cheap veneers on your teeth with crazy glue for next to nothing, anyway?
No?
Just several Florida Persons then:
Investigators said Florida Woman advertised on social media as a veneer technician, promised smile makeovers. Instead, clients were left with infections, damaged teeth and hefty bills to fix the harm.
According to investigators, Florida Woman used crazy glue to attach fake veneers.
"She is not licensed to put in veneers. She has no schooling to do veneers. And in the state of Florida, obviously you have to be licensed to do any kind of work like that," said Sgt. Windy Vater with the Pinellas Park Police Department.
Remember that scene in The Marathon Man when the old Nazi played by Laurence Olivier tortures Dustin Hoffman by drilling holes in his teeth? The way William Goldman originally wrote it in the script, Olivier was supposed to attach unlicensed veneers with crazy glue, but John Schlesinger thought that was too cruel and demanded Goldman rewrite it.
True story. Maybe.
I need to go Waterpik or floss or brush or something.
SCORE: Drugs/Alcohol (I'm getting drunk after reading this one), Impersonation, Recidivism, Entrepreneurship, and a WTF Were You Even THINKING? to all of her clients.
RUNNING TOTAL: 18 FMF Points.
One More Thing: Seriously, I'm doing shots for lunch.
Bonus Florida Headline: Crane falls on home of Florida Man named Jim Crane
I bet that happens more often than you think.
Maybe He Didn't Know That Was Wrong
Florida pursuit ends with wrong-way driver waving American flag from car stuck in sand
You know what I hate?
You know how sometimes you're just flying in your car the wrong way down 96th Street in Bay Harbor Islands during rush hour and for whatever reason people call the cops and now you've got all these cop cars chasing you and you're all like "those idiots are driving the wrong damn way down the road" so you figure you'll do your patriotic duty and lead them somewhere safer so you jump a couple curbs and wind up with your car stuck in the sand on this gorgeous beach with all these sunbathers and stuff but instead of thanking you for getting them off 96th the cops are yelling at you to get out of the car so you wave your passport and this little American flag you keep for emergencies just like this one but the cops are reaching into your car and turning off the ignition as though you're gonna drive away in all this sand so then they tase you and pull you out and tase you again which doesn't make any sense because you're only resisting because they aren't allowed to arrest flag-waving citizens but anyway they get the cuffs on you and take you to jail and the next day the sheriff is all like "this was one of the most dangerous situations" and you're all like "well then tell your deputies not to drive the wrong damn way down 96th!"
Don't you hate that, too?
SCORE: Police Chase, Went Viral, Drugs/Alcohol (the story doesn't say, but c'mon), Tasered, Vehicular Madness, Police Bodycam, Resisting Arrest, Should Have Taken the L, Sand Trap (new!), Glamor Mugshot, and a bonus point for patriotism.
Wow, 11 points. I believe 13 is the record, but we almost never seen even nine or 10.
RUNNING TOTAL: 29 FMF Points.
Not All Heroes Wear Capes (But This One Came SO Close)
Florida Man wearing Batman pajamas thwarts burglary
A big tip of the hat to Cliff Hanger for sending me this one:
At approximately 2:03 a.m. on Wednesday, police responded to a burglary in progress at a home in Southeast Cape Coral, but when they arrived on the scene, they found the suspect already detained by Kyle Myvett, who was dressed in a Batman onesie, officials said.
Myvett told detectives he had "gone to bed when his home security cameras alerted him to someone breaking into his vehicle," police said. So, Myvett -- still sporting the pajamas -- went outside to investigate and "saw the suspect rummaging through his truck," police said.
Moments later, Myvett "found the same suspect in his neighbor's garage and detained him until officers arrived," police said.
I want to know just how Florida Hero Kyle Myvett detained the suspect. Somebody please tell me there was a batarang and a bat-lasso involved.
Exit question: Nice onesie, but can you get it with the cape?
Asking for a friend.
SCORE: Went Viral, Surveillance Video, Impersonation, Recidivism, and the usual three bonus points for Sheer Awesomeness to Kyle "I'm Batman" Myvett.
RUNNING TOTAL: 36 FMF Points.
Previously on Florida Man Friday: Drug Delivery by Drone, What Could Go Wrong?
So How Did Florida Man Do This Week?
Five scored stories with a total of 36 points for a record-breaking average of 7.2!
I knew you could do it, Florida Persons.
Meanwhile, in Kentucky...
Police in Kentucky say Stephanie Carlquist poured salt into the engine of her ex-boyfriend’s car, glitter in the AC vent, slashed a tire, cracked the windshield, cracked the rearview mirror & shattered the car’s radio screen.
— Breaking911 (@Breaking911) August 18, 2025
She apologized & told him she was “stressed out.” pic.twitter.com/ElWNx4Nbww
I can fix her, I just know it.
A story like that can mean only one thing: Florida Man has exactly one week to reclaim his crown of glory in time for the next exciting episode of...
Florida Man Friday
No Five O'Clock Somewhere today since Kruiser is traveling home. Monday is a holiday — alas! — and next Friday is the service and celebration of life for my dear, departed mother-in-law. So Florida Man gets next Friday off. All will return to normal a week from Monday, I promise!
THANK YOU FOR YOUR ATTENTION TO THIS MATTER.
