It's time for your much-needed break from the serious news, and this week we have our first stolen ambulance story in ages, so without further ado, let us begin as we always do with...
The Most Florida Man Story Ever (This Week)
Florida Man steals ambulance, finishes beer before being arrested, troopers say
Do you ever find yourself drinking in a hospital parking lot and ask yourself why not take an ambulance out for a joyride?
No? Just Florida Man then. (But I know you know that stolen police/first responder vehicle stories are my absolute faves.)
Florida Man cruised around in his stolen rig for about 10 minutes before the police found him and, instead of pulling over — you probably guessed this part already — he hit the gas. He blew through various stop signs, drove on the wrong side of the road, and nearly hit several other cars. You know, the usual.
For whatever reason, Florida Man finally pulled himself over and calmly finished his beer while police tried to arrest him. Charges include "DUI 4th or subsequent violation, driving while license revoked (habitual), grand theft of emergency medical equipment, burglary of an authorized emergency vehicle, and resisting an officer without violence."
Police say Florida Man told them he'd been drinking for two days and stole the ambulance because the actual paramedics refused his request for a ride home. Next time, maybe don't insist they turn on the lights and siren.
As always, one point is awarded in each category except when I say so.
SCORE: Stolen Ambulance, Police Chase, Drugs/Alcohol, Resisting Arrest, Suspended License, Recidivism, WTF Were You Even THINKING?
TOTAL: 7 FMF Points.
Nice start. Let's see if he can keep it up.
There Is so Much Wrong With Drugs, Ackshully
So Florida Man and Woman were smoking weed in their car — with a couple of unidentified kids in back — and, wouldn't you know it, they didn't have their medical marijuana cards on them. The report doesn't say exactly why police pulled them over, but given the fact that they were stoned and had meth in the car, it could have been anything from swiping a curb to chasing down a hobo.
Between the pot and the meth, there's just no telling.
During the strip search that naturally followed his arrest, police found several bags of meth cleverly concealed in his underwear. "There’s nothing wrong with drugs," Florida Man assured the police.
OK, chief.
SCORE: Drugs/Alcohol, Vehicular Madness, Recidivism, Face/Neck Tattoos, Glamor Mugshot, Likely Story.
RUNNING TOTAL: 13 FMF Points.
Exclusively for our VIPs: 'Peace Through Strength' Is Back... Almost
Only in Washington Are Clowns Above the Law
Florida Man dressed as clown gets in scuffle with police
It's weird enough for a clown to get permanently trespassed out of a shopping center. It's even weirder for the clown to come back, anyway. What is security supposed to think, "That's probably a different weird clown that we don't have to worry about."
It's weirder still when it's a Ronald McDonald clown suit with the golden arches logo removed and a patch with a human skull on it sewn in its place. The scruffy face and the pack of smokes were nice touches, though.
"Nope, totally different human skull clown dude, he can stay," is exactly what security didn't say before calling the police.
This next bit from the WFLA report is too perfect to rehash, so here you go:
Body cam video showed the suspect and officers getting into a scuffle as they tried to remove him from the property. Officers eventually got the suspect on the ground and placed him in handcuffs. A search of his pockets turned up a weapon, which police tossed out of the suspect’s reach.
“You look like a clown,” one officer said to him as he was placed into the back of a patrol car.
“I am a clown, stupid,” the suspect responded.
He's got you there, Bozo.
SCORE: Weapon (Preferably Unusual), Police Bodycam, Resisting Arrest, Criminal Mastermind, Should Have Taken the L, Dude You OK?
RUNNING TOTAL: 19 FMF Points
Bonus Florida Headline: Obit: Florida Man remembered for life of ‘Marlboros, fast women, and Ford Broncos’
All of us here at PJ Media salute you, sir.
Before Reading This Next Item, Know the Good Guy Wins
You know what I hate?
You know how sometimes you're walking through town and your buddy is driving past and stops to pick you up and asks where you're going so you tell him and he's all like "sure I'll take you to Sebring" and while you're cruising down there you get this idea in your head so you hit him so hard in the face that you break his nose and make him drive to this secluded spot you know then you force him out of the car and then make him strip to his underwear and down on his knees because you got the gun and after he does all that you put the gun against his head because of that idea you got but when you pull the trigger the gun jams or something and when you're busy trying to re-rack it when all of the sudden your half-naked buddy gets up and is attacking you for some reason but then he takes off running so you take his car down to Sebring like you wanted but whatever he must've called the cops because the next thing you know they're chasing you down and get the cuffs on you so now you're sitting in jail trying to remember what that idea was.
Don't you hate that, too?
SCORE: Weapon (Preferably Unusual), Police Bodycam, Public Nudity, Fleeing the Scene, Resisting Arrest, Glamor Mugshot, WTF Were You Even THINKING?
RUNNING TOTAL: 26 FMF Points.
Not All Heroes Wear Capes
Florida Man's cross-country walk creates hope for mental health recovery, makes stop in East Texas
Who needs a brain-wipe after that last story?
This one ought to do the trick:
Kyndal Ray Edwards defied the odds, putting one foot in front of the other on an inspirational journey that has spanned nearly 7,600 miles and 700 days of walking. He made a stop in Gilmer on Monday.
“I want to inspire other people that might be going through something similar, that that they can overcome that as well,” said Edwards, a mental health advocate and recovery coach.
Edwards said the idea was fueled by his own experiences, including two suicide attempts and 13 felony convictions. He’s now six years sober, living a life of recovery.
“It's from me changing my life around after a life of depression, addiction, and crime,” Edwards said. “I do understand that my past does not define me. I'm not proud of all that stuff that I did, but I am proud of who I am today.”
Edwards could often be seen walking along freeways, his buggy sporting a sign reading "You Matter." Known online as the "Walking Testimony," he gained over 89,000 followers on social media, where he documents his journey.
Only 89,000 followers? Those are rookie numbers for what he's doing. We gotta pump those numbers up.
SCORE: You want to give Kyndal a bonus point for each mile walked or at least for each day. Since that would blow up the average, how about one for each year sober? That's six bonus points for Sheer Awesomeness.
RUNNING TOTAL: 32 FMF Points.
Previously on Florida Man Friday: He Threatened to Fight Trump Naked
So How Did Florida Man Do This Week?
It's another high-scoring week!
Five scored stories with a total of 32 points for a respectable average of 6.4.
It feels like Florida Man has really hit his stride for 2025.
Meanwhile, in New Jersey...
WT...
— Bo Snerdley (@BoSnerdley) March 27, 2025
NJ police chief accused of pooping by desks, spiking coffee with Viagra https://t.co/W7GS7UOuWd
[VodkaPundit stares blankly at his hands on the keyboard, murmuring something about being all out of words.]
A story like that can mean only one thing: Florida Man has exactly one week to reclaim his crown of glory in time for the next exciting episode of...
