Florida Man Friday is your much-needed break from the serious news, and this week we have the Super Bowl crime that almost paid for itself, why the YouTube upload button is not your friend, and the Colorado Man who really shouldn't have called the police.
Let us begin as we always do with...
The Most Florida Man Story Ever (This Week)
$42K to streak at the Super Bowl?
It must have seemed like the perfect crime.
I'm sure you remember in "Back to the Future II" when modern Biff traveled back in time to give '50s Biff a 1985 sports almanac, allowing him to amass a fortune placing bets on games whose outcomes he already knew.
Florida Man tried his own Biff Tannen routine, minus the sports almanac, the time machine, and his clothes.
He spent a reported $42,000 of his own money for a single Super Bowl ticket in Las Vegas last weekend with a cunning plan to win it all back on a sure thing.
Florida Man was otherwise prepared. He and his co-conspirators even bought cleats at a local Dick's Sporting Goods to get better traction on the field. Despite all the preparations, Florida Man barely got out on the field before security stopped and arrested him.
There was just one other problem. The sports book wasn't taking bets on whether or not there would be a streaker at Super Bowl LVIII. That seems like the kind of minor detail you'd want to look up in advance. But there's no stopping Florida Man once he decides to drop trou in public, so he went ahead anyway.
He even made a video of the weekend's antics, which ended with him leaving jail on Monday.
"Was it worth it?" asked the cameraman.
"We're about to find out."
As always, one point is awarded in each category except when I say so.
SCORE: Public Nudity, Crime of the Century, Caught on Video, Tactical Gear, Élan.
TOTAL: 5 FMF Points.
How'd He Do on the Back Nine?
The alligator was seen at the Coral Creek Club golf course, located northwest of Fort Myers. Eric Dagg, who works at the golf course, witnessed the alligator making its way along a cart path before it encountered the fence. Dagg's brother attempted to assist the alligator. pic.twitter.com/LIB9uZ79cB
— Min Choi (@minchoi) February 11, 2024
A rather large gator was captured on video breaking its way into a golf course in Charlotte County. The gator got stuck because, after all, this is Florida Gator and hijinks are constitutionally required to ensue.
"Eric Dagg, who works at the golf course," reported Min Choi, "witnessed the alligator making its way along a cart path before it encountered the fence. Dagg's brother attempted to assist the alligator." Of course he did because, after all, this is Florida Man and hijinks are constitutionally required to ensue.
Neither man nor beast were harmed in the making of this video which is something of a miracle.
SCORE: Wildlife, Golf, Caught on Video, WTF Were You Even THINKING?
RUNNING TOTAL: 9 FMF Points.
Exclusively for our VIPs: Meet the New Air Force, Same As the Old Air Force (Except Not Really)
That's Not My Boat; I Just Left It There for a Friend
'Drunk' Florida man abandons airboat in front of sheriff substation
So another good thing to go when you're four-times-the-legal-limit drunk is improperly strap an airboat to a trailer, accidentally dump it in front of a Polk County Sheriff's Department substation, and then come back for it and get in a big argument with your buddy.
Deputies almost never notice that sort of thing happening right in front of one of their little offices with the coffee machine and stuff, yet somehow, this once, they did.
Another good thing to do when you're in a drunken argument with your buddy about the best way to get the airboat back on the trailer is get irate with the helpful deputy, yell in his face, and ignore his instructions while your eyes are bloodshot and watery, your speech is slurred, and you're having balance issues.
"One of [Florida Man's] breath samples showed him to be four times the legal limit," said Polk County Sheriff Grady Judd in one of his classic press release videos. "I’m not sure how he was walking, let alone driving. He made some very poor decisions that night."
Heh.
SCORE: Drugs/Alcohol, Vehicular Madness, Resisting, Humiliated by Press Release (a Sheriff Grady specialty), Should Have Taken the L.
RUNNING TOTAL: 14 FMF Points
Bonus Florida Headline: Florida man accused of shooting kid’s basketball because it hit his fence
"Deputies say Florida Man admitted that 'he was angry' so he pulled out a .22 Magnum revolver and shot the basketball one time. Florida Man said he then put the gun back in his pocket and sat back down on the porch as the kids ran away."
Bicycle Race
Florida Man arrested after posting YouTube video of himself allegedly fleeing police
You know what I hate?
You know how sometimes you're riding around on your electric bike through St. Pete minding your own business maybe doing some doughnuts in people's yards or crossing double yellow lines in traffic and then you see this cop car and so you ride right up to it real close but then when they flash their lights at you you ride off through some more yards where they can't follow and then later there's these other cops and you stop right in front of their cruiser and force them off the road 'cause that's pretty funny and they mostly don't hit you so when they get out of there car you're doing wheelies around them and shouting stuff at them but then next thing you know there's like five or six cop cars so you're all like "man I gotta get outta here" so you ride home and upload your helmet cam video of the whole thing to YouTube and you give it this cool-funny name like "Cops Tried To Take Down Surron" but then two weeks later you find out the cops must have YouTube cause they saw the video and just when you thought the whole thing was chill you end up in jail.
Don't you hate that, too?
SCORE: Police Chase, Fleeing the Scene, Vehicular Madness, Glamor Mugshot, Caught on Video, Caught Stupidly, Chutzpah.
RUNNING TOTAL: 21 FMF Points.
It's usually either "Caught on Video" or "Caught Stupidly" but this once, Florida Man earned both for uploading the video himself. Bravo!
Caution: This Report Contains Internet-Transmissible Onion Fumes
Florida Woman donates kidney to a stranger — marries his smitten brother after meeting in hospital
I. Love. This. Story.
Hayley Milks, a divorced mom of four, saw an Instagram post from a young woman whose fiance had already had a kidney transplant due to type 1 diabetes but his body was rejecting it — and dialysis was wrecking him.
Despite her own travails at the time, Milks said the note touched her in way she didn’t expect and spurred her to act.
“They were such a young couple,” she told The Post.
“I wanted to do something.”
So she went through all the rigors of preparing her own body to lose a kidney, including selling her studio that was doing well at the time.
Here's what happened after the operation:
An endless stream of David’s relatives had already entered and exited Milks room to offer their gratitude and smile down at her.
William Montoto, 40, was the final person to come in.
Milks struggled to adjust herself in her bed, prompting the 6 foot 5 inch visitor to rush to offer his help. The pair soon began talking, each realizing that they were both single parents who had gone through painful divorces.
Montoto, who worked as a banquet manager at the Four Seasons at the time, said he was overcome not only by Milks’ selfless act, but by her beauty.
Now the divorced mom of four and the divorced dad of three are married, have started a new business together, and I'm not crying — you're crying.
SCORE: A record-tying five bonus points for Sheer Awesomeness.
RUNNING TOTAL: 26 FMF Points.
Previously on Florida Man Friday: As God Is My Witness, I Thought Trucks Could Surf
So How Did Florida Man Do This Week?
Five scored stories with a total of 26 points for a WOW average of 5.2 points per story.
Is that a record? I think it might be. If not, it's gotta be a tie.
Meanwhile, in Wyoming...
Colorado Man Calls Wyoming Cops On Himself, Helps Them Find His Cocaine
Just to keep things fair, "Colorado Man" is always my first search for the closing "Meanwhile, in..." item. I find a lot of winners that way, even if some of them were in Wyoming at the time:
Believing a friend had bugged his phone and eyeglasses, Colorado Man called Laramie County Sheriff’s Office deputies on himself east of Cheyenne, Wyoming, then helped them find his cocaine and marijuana, court documents say.
Colorado Man told police that a friend was harassing him and had bugged his phone, wallet, clothing, and glasses. The police found plenty of drugs but, so far, no listening devices.
A story like that can mean only one thing: Florida Man has exactly one week to reclaim his crown of glory in time for the next exciting episode of...
Florida Man Friday
P.S. Don't miss the "Five O'Clock Somewhere" VIP Gold Live Chat with Stephen Kruiser, Yours Truly, and special gust Ashley McCully at 3 p.m. Eastern this Friday. There will be day-drinking.
You can join the cause (and the cocktails) right here.
