Florida Man Friday is your much-needed break from the serious news, and this week we have New York Man stealing Florida Man's waves, how not to invest $31,000 of other people's money, and an invaluable lesson in how not to lie low.
Let us begin as we always do with...
The Most Florida Man Story Ever (This Week)
‘Not my fault the truck don’t surf’: Florida man arrested after driving car into the ocean
The headline is wrong on this one. Florida Man has since been correctly ID'd as New York Man. But as everyone knows, you don't have to be Florida Man to be Florida Man in your heart.
New York Man was apparently a bit miffed that the gate to New Smyrna Beach was closed Tuesday morning, so he did what any determined surfer would do and drove around it.
Not much of a gate, when you think about it, especially when you're supposed to pay a fee.
It turns out that authorities had closed the beach because the tide was too high and maybe this wasn't the best time to take his car surfing.
Wait... what?
It's impossible to tell exactly why from the News Channel 8 report, but Florida Man did indeed drive his truck into the ocean and later told his arresting officer — because of course there was an arresting officer — "that he just wanted to surf and it’s not his fault the 'truck don’t surf.'"
Let's please not assign any blame to the man who drove around a gate during an extremely high tide so he could drive his truck into the ocean only to discover that the dealer never installed the surfing option.
As always, one point is awarded in each category except when I say so.
SCORE: Likely Story, Caught on Video, Water Hazard, Tourist Who Just Can't Handle It, WTF Were You Even THINKING?
TOTAL: 5 FMF Points.
Exit Question: Is his truck named Charlie?
Do You Have Anything Else to Declare?
Drunken wacko struts completely naked in Florida airport, tries to breach security
Is it even Florida Man Friday without somebody getting inappropriately naked in public? And has the word "inappropriately" ever been used more inappropriately?
Let me preface this one by saying that I love drinking at the airport and on airplanes. It's a pretty sure thing that unless some "Airport '75" scenario develops, I'm not going to be called upon to operate any heavy machinery. And air travel — including and especially the airports — are only tolerable with a strong drink or two. Besides, I'm a very happy, pleasant drinker and never strip off my clothes before hitting security.
Unlike Florida Man.
He must have been feeling quite himself at Fort Lauderdale-Hollywood International Airport when he got buck-nekkid before he "made his way to the airport’s TSA security line, strolling past several TSA agents and talking incoherently."
From there he tried to get through one of those Restricted Access doors because maybe that's where they keep the spare underwear. He then somehow got past the screening area into the baggage inspection line where they probably stopped looking at the bags.
There's footage of him bending over the baggage conveyor belt, so I'm begging you not to click.
Then there were TSA agents and Broward County sheriff’s deputies and a naked tussle, which I also urge you not to watch.
Florida Man is up on all the charges.
SCORE: Public Nudity, Caught on Video, Resisting Arrest, Drugs/Alcohol, Airport/Seaport (new!), Glamor Mugshot.
RUNNING TOTAL: 11 FMF Points.
Exclusively for our VIPs: I Know Just What's Next for Nikki Haley
Mad Money Investment Advice from Jim Cramer
Florida Man racks up over $31K in charges on company card to purchase scratch-off lottery tickets
It was the perfect crime, but somewhere, somehow it all went wrong.
Florida Man bought $31,000 in scratchers on a credit card for the paving company he works worked for. All he had to do was score one big win on just one scratcher, pay back the $31,000 on the credit card, keep the excess winnings for himself, pray that somehow nobody noticed the mysterious $31,000 that went to 7/11, that they would also fail to notice that the bogus charges were on a card linked directly to him and that he would also beat the one chance in 600,000 or so of winning just one $30,000 scratcher.
Danny Ocean made it all look so easy.
SCORE: Crime of the Century, Convenience Store.
RUNNING TOTAL: 13 FMF Points
That was only two points? Still, earned it hard, sir!
Bonus Florida Headline: Florida man demands trial, says ‘cheesy’ Combos snacks don’t have enough cheese
The struggle is real.
Lying Low, You're Doing It Wrong
Florida felon on run found with fake cash inside box of chicken wings and gun
You know what I hate?
Sometimes you really gotta lie low because there might be an outstanding warrant or two out on you and maybe a felony conviction even though you weren't even with the guy who really did and when I say "lie low" I mean "probably not shooting at anybody right now" because you've got all this counterfeit money and maybe these cool tools for making even more counterfeit money because that way you never run out of money but it's cool because you've got the fake money and the gun you're not allowed to have stashed in this box of chicken wings which is like the last place the cops would ever look so you're parked in front of the chicken place and maybe smoking some weed when the cops smell the weed and if you can believe this they look right in the chicken box and find all that stuff and then you're right back in jail even though you were lying so low.
Don't you hate that, too?
SCORE: Drugs/Alcohol, Recidivism, Glamor Mugshot, Getting Caught Stupidly, You Hid It WHERE? (new!), Glamor Mugshot.
RUNNING TOTAL: 19 FMF Points.
Previously on Florida Man Friday: 60% of the Time It's Naked Every Time
So How Did Florida Man Do This Week?
Only four scored stories this week, but they did total up to 19 points for a respectable average of 4.75.
Solid effort, Florida Man — but let's get back up to five stories next week, if you don't mind and if your attorney can handle the load.
Meanwhile, in Georgia...
Woman runs from police on Atlanta airport tarmac, spits on them, strips, pees herselfWhy does it always seem to happen at airports or on airplanes?
A story like that can mean only one thing... actually, I don't know about that this week. Does Georgia Woman get bonus points for making it to the tarmac only to get arrested while peeing herself? And if so, do we want to know what Florida Man will have to do to top that on the next exciting episode of...
Florida Man Friday
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