Florida Man Friday is your much-needed break from the serious news and this week we have more public nudity than you can shake a stick or whatever at, a low-rent art heist, and Colorado Man's personal Cannonball Run.
Let us begin as we always do with...
The Most Florida (Wo)Man Story Ever (This Week)
Drunk, naked Florida woman wielding peeler knife barges into RaceTrac, threatens to kill staff
Back in November, Florida Woman had been trespassed — as the kids say now instead of "86'ed" — from a RaceTrac on 54th Ave. in St. Petersburg. After doing six shots of booze on Sunday, Florida Woman did what she had to do and showed up at the store naked, wielding a vegetable peeler, threatening to kill the staff, and knocking over a large display of Red Bulls. This is all as required by the Florida Code of Conduct.
I don't make the rules. I just report them.
When the police showed up, as they always seem to do during these things, Florida Woman started playing with herself during her arrest. You never know what turns some people on and, mostly, you don't want to.
Florida Woman has been charged with two counts of aggravated assault, disorderly intoxication, criminal mischief, exposure of sexual organs, and trespassing.
100% True Fact: "Sexual Organs" would be the worst name ever for a church band.
As always, one point is awarded in each category except when I say so.
SCORE: Public Nudity, Weapon (Preferably Unusual), Drugs/Alcohol, Convenience Store, Recidivism, Glamor Mugshot, WTF Were You Even THINKING?
TOTAL: 7 FMF Points.
Ever wondered how long it would take to kill someone with a vegetable peeler? I bet you are now.
That Is Not Good Clean Family Fun
Florida man accused of exposing himself at Polk County Sky Zone
Dropping trou and pleasuring yourself at a family place like SkyZone really deserves the Dr. Evil Treatment — put in a burlap bag and beaten with reeds. Since we aren't allowed to mete out that brand of justice in our constitutional republic, how about some public humiliation courtesy of Sheriff Grady Judd, instead?
According to the Polk County Sheriff’s Office, Florida Man went to a SkyZone Trampoline Park on Dec. 27 and exposed himself.
"He pulled his britches down at the SkyZone, which is a family place where you take kids to play," stated Polk County Sheriff Grady Judd. "Those pants were slapped to his ankles, and he was pleasuring himself. You know what I mean?"
Judd added, "Not only was the lady in charge able to give us a clothing description, she was able to give us a physical description. You know what that means too."
We always know what Sheriff Judd means. He might be the most entertaining law enforcement officer since "Lethal Weapon."
SCORE: Public Nudity, Fleeing, Humiliated by Press Release, Glamor Mugshot.
RUNNING TOTAL: 11 FMF Points.
Exclusively for our VIPs: You'll Never Believe What This Squad Member Just Said About Walgreens
Good Girl!
A police dog, K9 Mary Lu, sniffed out and found an 11-year-old girl who was reported "endangered and missing" to authorities in Wimauma, Florida. https://t.co/FxE7eoD5cZ pic.twitter.com/s1RoHT4Hgs
— CBS News (@CBSNews) January 29, 2024
K-9, Mary Lu, helps locate missing 11-year-old girl in Hillsborough County
A missing little girl was found by K-9 cop Mary Lu, hiding in a locked public bathroom last Friday night. You don't need all the details. Just watch the short video.
My favorite part? When Mary Lu's handler, Deputy Sarah Ernstes, says, "She does have happy tail over here at these bathrooms which she does when she's close to somebody."
Mary Lu gets a "happy tail" when she rescues someone. That's the best line I've read all week.
SCORE: A record-tying 5 bonus points for Sheer Awesomeness go to Mary Lu with a great assist from Deputy Ernstes. Mary Lu isn't just a good girl — she's the best girl.
RUNNING TOTAL: 16 FMF Points
Bonus Florida Headline: ‘She also admitted to urinating on him’: Florida Woman allegedly bites, batters and tries to kill husband after he received postcard from woman he dated 60 years ago
Let. It. Go.
Dude, Where's My Pants?
Florida man arrested after running into thrift store fully naked, stealing merchandise
You know what I hate?
Sometimes when you're running around Ocala naked while you're on probation for domestic violence but there's nothing violent about running around naked so it's probably cool but then the stuff starts wearing off and you're all like "Where's my pants at" so you run into that Wings of Faith Thrift Store because it looks like it might have your size and you're grabbing clothes off the racks and there's this woman behind the counter acting all freaked out at a guy who's just doing some shopping and then the manager comes out with his phone and you're pretty sure he's calling 911 so you take off real quick with a t-shirt because you never did find the right size pants and you're running down the street again when the cops show up even though the law is on your side because church thrift stores legally have to provide a guy with sanctuary or at least pants is what I saw on TV but the cops are telling you stuff anyway like that chick was gonna press charges for waving your junk around and the manager was gonna press charges for stealing the t-shirt even though it didn't hardly cover nothing but then you get to the jail and they just give you pants without even having to ask and you're all like "Why didn't I just go there" instead of that stupid thrift shop?
Don't you hate that, too?
SCORE: Public Nudity, Glamor Mugshot, Recidivism, Drug/Alcohol (the story didn't say but... c'mon), Fleeing, WTF Were You Even THINKING?
RUNNING TOTAL: 22 FMF Points.
I Don't Know Art, but I Know What I Like
Florida Man accused of taking happy stick figure sculpture ‘because he liked it’
I can't believe this is an actual lede from a straight news report: "A Martin County man was arrested after police said someone spotted him acting suspicious and walking with a large piece of artwork."
What's so suspicious about walking around at night carrying a piece of public art? Do we have to assume the worst of everyone, all the time?
In this case, yeah.
When police caught up with Florida Man, he didn't just admit to stealing the happy stick figure sculpture, he even gave them a totally valid reason: he likes it.
"We didn't realize you liked it, sir. Sorry for stopping you. Please, carry on," is exactly what the police didn't say. Instead, they booked him and learned that he has "a history of thefts and burglaries," including a warrant in Ohio.
SCORE: Crime of the Century, Recidivism, Getting Caught Stupidly, Way to Take the L.
RUNNING TOTAL: 26 FMF Points.
Previously on Florida Man Friday: Instant Karma's Gonna Get You With a Tractor-Trailer
So How Did Florida Man Do This Week?
Five scored stories with a total of 26 points for a near-record average of 5.2 points per story. After a few lower-scoring weeks in a row, I'd like to thank Florida Man and Woman for really stepping up this week.
But that's what happens 60% of one week's stories involve public nudity. Winter in Florida isn't quite what it is here in Colorado.
Meanwhile, in Colorado...
Colorado State Patrol has an arrest warrant out for a motorcyclist accused of driving from Garden of the Gods Rd to Denver in 20 minutes. Read more here: https://t.co/f66SspK49D
— KRDO13 (@KRDO_13) January 24, 2024
🎥- CSP pic.twitter.com/I5NX0XFpPx
Warrant issued for motorcyclist after video of 20-minute drive from Colorado Springs to Denver
That's fast:
The Colorado State Patrol (CSP), in conjunction with the Dallas Police Department and the El Paso County District Attorney’s Office, has issued an arrest warrant for a motorcycle driver accused of driving from Garden of the Gods Road to the Denver metro area in 20-minutes and recording the ride.
Heading north on I-25 from Garden of the Gods to, say, the C-470 interchange (that's the southern end of metro Denver) is a 53-mile drive on 65-75 MPH roads. It should take 45 minutes, assuming no traffic and a little bit of speeding.
Colorado Man did it 20? And lived to post the video?
This time, anyway.
A story like that can mean only one thing: Florida Man has exactly one week to reclaim his crown of glory in time for the next exciting episode of...
Florida Man Friday
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