Florida Man Friday is your much-needed break from the serious news, and this week we have a master of disguise/bonsai thief, a Darwin Award-worthy case of instant car-ma, and Utah Man's industrial approach to avoiding a DUI.
Let us begin as we always do with...
The Most Florida Man Story Ever (This Week)
You know I like to keep Florida Man Friday light and breezy — no murders, nobody abusing dogs or kids, nothing seriously bad. Just the fun stuff. But over the years there have been a few exceptions, and this case of instant karma was too juicy not to share.
Florida Man crashed his SUV into a median near Brooksville on Tuesday night. Lucky for him, Florida Woman, who was close by, also happened to be a Good Samaritan. She pulled over and got out to help but, unlucky for her, Florida Man walked over, got in her car, and sped off — leaving her alone with no car on a dark highway.
But just when I was really starting to hate this guy, three miles later he crashed into a tractor-trailer — without a seatbelt — and suffered fatal injuries.
You'll be happy to learn that the tractor-trailer driver suffered only minor injuries.
As always, one point is awarded in each category except when I say so.
SCORE: Vehicular Madness, Fleeing the Scene, Drugs/Alcohol (not in the report but c'mon), Hold My Beer.
TOTAL: 4 FMF Points.
Stop, It's Almost the Police
Florida Man Impersonating a Cop Just Wanted Police to ‘Do Their Job and Get Them off the Streets’
You'll feel for this guy:
Florida Man allegedly used his SUV to pull another vehicle over in the parking lot of a TD Bank in Pembroke Pines, located about 22 miles north of Miami.
He reportedly justified the stop by showing the driver a stolen badge, which once belonged to a now-retired sheriff's deputy in Louisiana, according to local station WSVN.
Florida Man then called 911, telling the operator the motorist needed to be stopped due to their reckless driving. Instead, responding officers arrested him for impersonating an officer.
"I just wanted [the police] to do their job and get them off the streets," he later told Miami station WPLG as he left the Broward County Jail Wednesday evening.
He later said, "I got in an accident a long time ago, previously in my life and, you know, people that just drive recklessly and crazy, I mean, honestly, I mean, I don't want to get this done again."
If I had a dollar for every time I've seriously considered doing exactly what Florida Man did, I'd be flying my personal stealth rocket helicopter everywhere. I just have no idea how I'm going to get my hands on a stolen Louisiana sheriff's deputy badge.
SCORE: Vehicular Mayhem, Impersonation, Getting Caught Stupidly, plus a bonus point for Sheer Awesomeness even if it was illegal.
RUNNING TOTAL: 8 FMF Points.
Exclusively for our VIPs: You Ain't Seen Nothin' Yet As the Long Knives REALLY Come Out for Trump
Grand Theft Tiny Tree
You know what I hate?
Sometimes you gotta lurk around at night in that neighborhood where those bonsai trees were stolen because you wouldn't believe the street value on those stupid tiny trees not that I'm saying I took any or nothing so I've got on some dark clothes but I couldn't find a mask for my face so I did find these navy blue underwear that I'm pretty sure was clean and might even have been mine which I put around my neck ready to pull up if somebody turns their lights on and I'm hiding behind this deck chair looking to see if there might be some bonsai trees but there aren't so I scootch over between these bushes in an empty lot so I can get over to the next house where some bonsai trees might be at because you never know but that's when the police show up only they're not buying my story about how I was there to exercise because the neighborhood has a nice aesthetic to it and the neck underwear was just to keep my face warm so they take me back to my place where there's all these stolen bonsai trees which I don't know how they got there but now I'm in jail where there's no bonsai trees at all.
Don't you hate that, too?
SCORE: Caught on Video, Likely Story, Master of Disguise, Stupid Crime, Glamor Mugshot, WTF Were You Even THINKING?
RUNNING TOTAL: 13 FMF Points
Bonus Florida Headline: WWE Hall of Famer Hulk Hogan helps rescue woman after frightening car accident
Keep Your License Clean
Florida Man hands deputy driver’s license with meth on it during traffic stop
It seems like every week I have to remind somebody of this, and here I go again.
If you're going to drive with drugs in the car, or a gun that your felony conviction doesn't allow you to carry, or a dead hobo, or a live gator, or any other kind of contraband, then first make sure your lights are all working, your tags are up to date and visible, drive the speed limit, and try not to leave meth powder on your driver's license that you thought it would be cute to use to make lines.
As the always entertaining Polk County Sheriff Grady Judd put it after Florida Man was pulled over for nothing more serious than an obstructed tag:
Well, that’s no big deal unless, of course, you’ve got meth in your car, meth in your waistband, and, oh, by the way, when the nice deputy stops to ask for your driver’s license and stops to tell you that you’ve got an obstructed tag, and you hand him you driver’s license and there’s methamphetamine on the edges of your driver’s license that you hand the deputy... You can’t make this stuff up.
And in Florida, you don't have to.
SCORE: Drugs/Alcohol, Getting Caught Stupidly, Recidivism, Humiliated by Press Release.
RUNNING TOTAL: 17 FMF Points.
Now That's a Friend
‘Dangerous driving.’ Florida Man arrested after speeding 140 mph on Skyway
It sounds really bad, doing 140-150 in a 65 on the Sunshine Skyway Bridge, dodging other cars and even a fuel truck "with no regard for their safety," as the police said.
And it is really bad.
On the other hand, Florida Man was completely sober, didn't flee or resist arrest, the BMW wasn't stolen, and he was just trying to get two friends "home for work in the morning."
So without actually endorsing doing 140 or more on the Sunshine Skyway Bridge, I'd like to think that if I was running late for work, I'd have a good enough friend willing to help get me there on time.
Just keep it to a more reasonable 125-130, OK, Matt?
SCORE: Vehicular Mayhem, Way to Take the L, and a reluctant bonus point for Sheer Awesomeness.
RUNNING TOTAL: 20 FMF Points.
Previously on Florida Man Friday: He Was 'Launched' Into a Garbage Truck
So How Did Florida Man Do This Week?
Five scored stories with a total of 20 points for a nice, even average of four points per story.
Meanwhile, in Utah...
Utah Man jailed for allegedly drunk driving forklift on Emery County roadway
This is the killer detail: "Utah Man refused to cooperate with chemical tests, and showed multiple signs of impairment, the officer’s statement says. His license showed he was an alcohol-restricted driver, required to have an interlock device on any vehicle he drove."
#ProTip: Buddy, a forklift might not have an interlock device, but it's for damn sure driving one backward on State Route 29 and bumping into guard rails is going to get the police's attention.
A story like that can mean only one thing: Florida Man has exactly one week to reclaim his crown of glory in time for the next exciting episode of...
Florida Man Friday
P.S. Don't miss the "Five O'Clock Somewhere" VIP Gold Live Chat with Stephen Kruiser and Yours Truly at 3 p.m. Eastern on Mondays and Fridays. There is sometimes a special guest and almost always day-drinking.
You can join the cause (and the cocktails) right here.
