Florida Man Friday is your much-needed break from the serious news but, before we get started, a quick shoutout to the first responders working their Florida booties off after Hurricane Idalia.
Thanks for that, and thanks for doing your best to keep Florida Man in action, week after week.
Let us begin as we always do with…
The Most Florida Man Story Ever (This Week)
Florida Man braves flood water on inflatable duck
Some weeks, it’s difficult to decide which story to lead with because there are either too many or too few truly top-rate stories to choose from. Granted, the “too few” happens a lot less often than the “too many.”
Some weeks, like this one, it’s a no-brainer because There Can Be Only One. In this case, it’s the guy paddling around in Idalia floodwaters on what appears to be the world’s ugliest duck floaty. Seriously, what is that, Frankenduck?
Watch the WTXL video with the sound on (embedding is disabled) because you’ll get a kick out of the idiot newsweasels warning that YOU COULD GET SWEPT AWAY BY THE DEADLY GATOR WATERS, while there’s another guy just standing there, not even hip-deep in the deadly gator waters, having a good old time.
Shut up, dummies.
The legal department tells me I have to add a disclaimer warning readers not to ride inflatable Frankenducks through gator-infested floodwaters because it’s dangerous.
Dangerous and awesome.
As always, one point is awarded in each category except when I say so.
SCORE: Really Bad Weather, Water Hazard, Caught on Video, plus 3 bonus points for Sheer Awesomeness.
TOTAL: 6 FMF Points.
And the Oscar Goes to…
Florida Man claims to have heart attack during drug traffic stop
You know what I hate?
I hate it when I’m moving a little stash of fentanyl-laced THC oil from this one place where I got it to this other place where maybe I can sell it when the cops pull me over for no good reason whatsoever and then they tell me they smell all this marijuana which I don’t even have because my THC is in this unscented oil that my friend Bobby says the dogs can’t even smell so I’m all like with the cops, “No you can’t search my car because I got nothing in here worth searching” but then they do it anyway and it’s enough to give a guy a heart attack when they find my stash and I’m like, “Hey, look, I’m having this heart attack so you have to let me go” but something about my “actions and demeanor” or whatever made them not believe me so they took me to this stupid health clinic that couldn’t even tell I was having a heart attack and now I’m in jail for like the 90th time.
Don’t you hate that, too?
SCORE: Drugs/Alcohol, Recidivism, Should Have Taken the L, ACTING!
RUNNING TOTAL: 10 FMF Points.
Exclusively for Our VIPs: Nobody Wants to Buy Electric Vehicles Anymore — They’re Too Popular
Brave the Storm, Serve the Waffles
The Waffle House sign was a beacon of hope. Everything else was closed
When the power goes out, when the floodwaters rise, when the earth cracks open, when the lava flows, when the first responders are trapped on the other side of the collapsed bridge, there is one thing upon which people can rely: Waffle House will still be open, serving up comfort food 24/7.
This viral TikTok video shows a crowd gathering at the only place in town — I couldn’t figure out which town — with the lights on, still serving food.
From the TikTok comments: “if ur local waffle house is ever closed get the f*** out of there it’s the end of the world.”
And another: “check out the waffle house index. literally emergency services use it as a marker as how bad a storm will be.”
It’s true.
SCORE: Really Bad Weather, Went Viral, 3 bonus points for Sheer Awesomeness.
RUNNING TOTAL: 15 FMF Points.
BONUS FLORIDA HEADLINE: Florida Man Behind Bars After Attacking His Ex For Mocking His Small Junk.
The worst part? The story includes his mugshot. Li’l Jim is going to have to move to a whole ‘nother county.
Bless You, Florida Woman
Florida Woman shares unconventional way of keeping track of animals during hurricanes
Longtime Sharp VodkaPundit Readers™ know I’m a sucker for animals and just as big a sucker for people who take great care of theirs.
Jenifer Robinson, Florida Woman extraordinaire, “shaves her phone number” into her horses’ coats before a hurricane in case they get loose and lost, according to Fox 35. She also slips reflective collars around their necks, the kind that reflects a LOT of light when hit with a spotlight or car headlights.
The story also gives some advice from the American Veterinary Medical Association: “Animal owners can also use crayon, non-toxic, non-water-soluble spray paint, or non-water-soluble markers to write on the animal’s side. Permanent marker can also be used to mark their hooves.”
Please, I’m begging you, don’t try shaving your phone number into your cat. But if you do, I’m begging you even harder, please get somebody to video that scene and send it to me.
SCORE: 3 bonus points for Sheer Awesomeness.
RUNNING TOTAL: 18 FMF Points.
I know I’m handing out a lot of Sheer Awesomeness bonus points today but Florida People always step up after a hurricane in ways that involve a lot of sheer awesomeness.
Kissimmee Deadly
Nude Florida Man accused of trying to break into Kissimmee homes
One thing I learned from watching Martin Scorsese’s American remake of “The Departed” is that if you’re going to break into Matt Damon’s apartment to shoot him, you cover yourself pretty much head-to-foot — right down to the little surgical booties — so you don’t leave any physical evidence that you were ever there. A strand of hair, some dead skin cells, fingerprints — the cops are all over that stuff.
Or, if you’re Florida Man, you just strip down naked, sneak onto someone’s front porch, and do a little dance for the Ring camera because YOLO.
Osceola County deputies were called to a home on Camden Way just before 1:30 a.m. Monday for reports of an attempted burglary in progress.
The caller said she heard a noise coming from her back patio door and checked her “Ring” camera to see a naked man attempting to open it.
But wait, there’s more. “The caller said she saw the man making obscene gestures towards the camera like masturbating and bending over to expose his rectum.”
Now there’s a police lineup you don’t want to witness or, worse, have to take part in.
SCORE: Public Nudity, Caught on Video, Someone’s Bottom Area, Glamor Mugshot, WTF Were You Even THINKING?
RUNNING TOTAL: 23 FMF Points.
Previously on Florida Man Friday: The Wacked Out Weiner of Love
So How Did Florida Man Do This Week?
Five scored stories with a total of 23 points for an impressive average of 4.6.
If that isn’t a record, it’s darn close.
Meanwhile, in Pennsylvania…
Brawl between a group of ladies at last night's Morgan Wallen concert at PNC Park in Pittsburgh. A port-o-potty cage match! The One Night At A Time tour continues later for Morgan's run at PNC Park. pic.twitter.com/mNx9qgcNsj
— Trip McN33ly (@Trip_McN33ly) August 31, 2023
Girls Brawl In A Port-A-Potty At Morgan Wallen Concert
If you were to ask me to make a list of the top ten ways women are generally smarter than men, item three or four would probably be that women aren’t stupid enough to brawl in or around a functional porta-potty.
And I’d have been wrong.
A story like that can mean only one thing: Florida Man has exactly one week to reclaim his crown of glory in time for the next exciting episode of…
