Florida Man Friday is your much-needed break from the serious news, and this week we have a sweet and savory marriage proposal, how to take the L with honor, and a golf cart incident in Michigan that they swear almost never happens.
Let us begin as we always do with…
The Most Florida Man Story Ever (This Week)
Florida man arrested for DUI wearing ‘I’m the Reason the Beer’s Always Gone’ t-shirt
You know what I hate?
I hate it when I’m peacefully cruising down Marion Boulevard trying to goose my pickup into doing 90 in a 45 because then I’ll win a bet with Larry that I can do double the speed limit on Marion and now I can almost taste the shot of Fireball he’s gonna owe me but then there’s a deputy parked RIGHT THERE with his radar gun out so I put the truck into Stealth Mode by turning off all the lights and turning onto a different street but this cop must have stealth-proof radar or something because he follows right along and when I pull over he sees my “I’m the Reason the Beer’s Always Gone” shirt and then he arrests me even though I’m only like two or three times over the legal limit but the worst part is the cop clocked me doing only 89 which means I gotta buy Larry a shot of Fireball.
Don’t you hate that, too?
As always, one point is awarded in each category except when I say so.
SCORE: Drugs/Alcohol, Vehicular Madness, (Totally Lame) Police Chase, Glamor Mugshot.
TOTAL: 4 FMF Points.
Popeye’s of the Apes
Monkey on the loose spotted outside Popeye’s in Central Florida
I’ve wanted a monkey or an ape for almost as far back as I can remember. Since about age six or seven, I thought I’d get a chimp and name him Cornelius, after Roddy McDowall’s character in the original (and still best) “Planet of the Apes.” But I’d have settled for one of those tiny organ-grinder monkeys if I had to.
But what do you do when you spot a wild rhesus macaque monkey at Popeye’s drive-thru in Orange City?
The monkey fled almost immediately after being spotted. Locals called the Florida Fish and Wildlife Conservation Commission and told FOX 35 News, “The monkey’s smart because he looked at the traffic and he knew not to go that way.” It also knew exactly where to go for delicious, peppery fried chicken.
Somebody posted to the local police department’s Facebook page, “I did not have monkey on my bingo card for today.”
Best line from the story: “It remains unclear at this time how many monkeys have been seen.”
The Fox 35 writeup also cautions readers that if they spot a monkey, they should call the Wildlife Alert Hotline, but maybe they should call me instead.
SCORE: Wildlife, Fleeing the Scene, Drive-Thru Mayhem.
RUNNING TOTAL: 7 FMF Points.
When Florida Man and Woman Travel to Alabama
Florida Man proposes to girlfriend with a hot dog at The Wacked Out Weiner in Foley
I’m a sucker for a good marriage proposal story — my own is a whopper, I assure you — and this is certainly one.
Florida Boyfriend and Girlfriend were traveling through Alabama to visit family:
Brooke James was in for a shock this past weekend when her boyfriend, Brad Richardson, got down on one knee to propose to her with a hot dog at The Wacked Out Weiner in Foley.
“It took me a few seconds to really understand it wasn’t a joke,” James laughed. “He has done stuff like this before. He will jokingly get on one knee when I ask for a paper towel and be like ‘Will you take this from me?’ But when I saw the smile on his face and the sparkle in the middle of the hotdog, I knew.”
“The sparkle in the middle of the hotdog” is my new favorite romantic phrase.
SCORE: 3 bonus points to Florida Engagement Man for Sheer Awesomeness and a fourth bonus point for naming a restaurant The Wacked Out Weiner.
RUNNING TOTAL: 11 FMF Points.
Exclusively for Our VIPs: I Know Hollywood’s Dirty Little Secret
BONUS FLORIDA HEADLINE: Florida Woman Wakes Up To Gigantic 11 Foot Alligator In Her Kitchen: ‘I Don’t Know How It Got Here, But It’s Here.’
Knowing FedEx, they were probably trying to deliver an alligator belt and something got a little lost along the way, one thing led to another…
Doubling Down on Stupid
Florida woman did 18 months in prison for posing as nurse’s assistant, then got hired again.
You’ve just done 18 months in prison for impersonating a nurse’s assistant at a Panhandle health facility, so what’s next on your agenda now that you can taste freedom again?
If you’re Florida Woman, you steal some other nurse’s assistant’s ID and get the same fake job at a different facility.
The scheme was uncovered, police say, when the person whose identity was stolen received a letter from the rehabilitation center thanking them for their service as an employee. That person contacted Crestview police.
“But I can’t be charged for the same crime twice,” she explained to police during her second arrest.
Not really, but you can totally imagine it going down like that.
SCORE: Impersonation, Recidivism, WTF Were You Even THINKING?
RUNNING TOTAL: 14 FMF Points.
Maybe Denial Is Just a River in Egypt
‘Just take me to jail, man’: Troopers seize over 562 grams worth of drugs during traffic stop
It started off as a routine traffic stop in Polk County, with Florida Man doing a comparatively leisurely 68 in a 60. Here in Colorado, people look at you funny — including the police — if you aren’t doing 68 in a 60. Faster, if there’s snow.
The Florida trooper couldn’t help but notice a strong stench of marijuana coming from Florida Man’s car, which is no coincidence because he had “a black and blue duffel bag that had multiple clear plastic bags containing green leafy substances” that police found when they searched the car.
Along with “seven orange round pills, psilocybin mushrooms, an unlabeled pill bottle containing white round pills, and rectangular pills that were broken up into smaller pieces.” Testing came back positive for marijuana, amphetamines, dextroamphetamine, buprenorphine, hydrochloride, alprazolam, and psilocybin mushroom.
Dude, I haven’t even heard of a couple of those.
Although Florida Man had a valid medical marijuana card… c’mon! The trooper asked him why he had so much pot, and all our hero had to say was, “Just take me to jail, man.”
SCORE: Way to Take the L (New!), Drugs/Alcohol.
RUNNING TOTAL: 16 FMF Points.
Previously on Florida Man Friday: How to Do the Wrong Right Thing With a Stolen Porsche
So How Did Florida Man Do This Week?
Five scored stories with a total of 16 points for an average of just 3.2.
I know that’s the lowest score we’ve seen in a while, but I don’t think it had anything to do with the entertainment quality of this week’s stories. Between “Wacked Out Weiner” and “Just take me to jail,” I’m a happy writer.
Meanwhile, in Michigan…
Fire Dog Accidentally Runs Over Child With A Golf Cart At Blues Festival
The girl is fine, and locals say dogs stealing golf carts and running over people doesn’t actually happen all that often. One or twice a year, tops. Sometimes three. More, if you don’t just count the blues festival.
A story like that can mean only one thing: Florida Man has exactly one week to reclaim his crown of glory in time for the next exciting episode of…
