Florida Man Friday is your much-needed break from the serious news, and this week we have a preternaturally self-aware shoplifter, Tampa’s super-mayor, and Nevada Man’s toe-curling crime spree.
Let us begin as we always do with…
The Most Florida Man Story Ever (This Week)
Florida Man burglarizes luxury Porsche from Sarasota Classic Car Museum
The headline to this week’s top Florida Man Friday story is actually a story I found last week that didn’t make the cut. What can I say; last week I struck a rich vein of FMF reports.
But before you skip ahead to the next item, thinking that this one is cold leftovers, I found a second report about the Mysterious Case of the Porsche That Didn’t Honk that transmogrified it from last week’s leftovers to a fresh plate of The Most Florida Man Story Ever, straight out of the oven.
The original report (since updated, I believe) detailed how Florida Man stole a $250,000 1976 Porsche 930 Turbo from a car museum in Sarasota. What I didn’t get the first time around was this:
Florida Man was arrested on July 21 for failing to appear in court for a Grand Theft Auto charge in Sarasota County. A search warrant issued for his phone at that time allegedly led officers to photos of the stolen Turbo inside a storage unit, along with the unit number and code.
But wait, there’s more: “The man allegedly used the VIN number from another vintage 911 out of a California salvage yard to register the car, police records show.”
“No one will suspect a thing about the rare vintage Porsche I’m driving around in the same city where I stole it because the tags are legit. MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA, it’s the perfect crime!”
As always, one point is awarded in each category except when I say so.
SCORE: Recidivism, Glamor Mugshot, Getting Caught Stupidly, Impersonation (of a different automobile).
TOTAL: 4 FMF Points.
Maybe not the highest-scoring story ever, but I love it nonetheless.
Have You Tried New York or San Francisco?
Accused thief declared, “I’m not good at shoplifting”
You know what I hate?
I hate it when I ride my bike — you know, the one with the flat tire — to a Largo Walmart to steal a few bike accessories — not the St. Petersburg Walmart where I got busted shoplifting drinks and sandwiches last month — and I’m doing pretty good, actually, because I’ve got maybe 36 bucks worth of bike stuff stuffed under my shirt but somehow this store security guy caught me and called the cops and these two cops actually showed up right outside the store just as I was leaving and when they stopped me I went ahead and flat-out told them, “I’m not good at shoplifting,” but they arrested me anyway so how am I supposed to get any better at it?
Don’t you hate that, too?
The only way this story could be better is if the cops had replied, “Have you tried New York or San Francisco?”
SCORE: Walmart, Crime of the Century, Recidivism, Took Should Have Taken the L.
RUNNING TOTAL: 8 FMF Points.
Pedal to the Metal, Zipper to the Floor
Florida Man accused of exposing self at Florida park nearly strikes officer with car while trying to flee
Florida Man was enjoying a quiet afternoon at Riverwalk Park in Port Orange, kindly exposing himself to strangers “in a vulgar and indecent manner,” when for reasons that might still be a mystery to him, all hell broke loose.
The police showed up, as they always seem to do, but Florida Man was in no mood to be arrested. He refused to get out of his car, he resisted, backed his car up into a cop, sped off, got chased to a gas station where his car somehow became disabled, took off again on foot, got chased down, got tased somewhere along the way, and continued to resist arrest.
SCORE: Public Nudity, Vehicular Madness, Taser, Police Chase, Fleeing, Resisting, REALLY Should Have Taken the L.
RUNNING TOTAL: 15 FMF Points.
Exclusively for Our VIPs: The Doctor Can’t See You Right Now, Would You Like to Kill Yourself Instead?
BONUS FLORIDA HEADLINE: Florida Man Shoots 100 Poisonous Toads.
He Needed a Trip to the ER After His Trip to the ER
Florida Man accused of attacking nurse, stripping naked, flooding emergency room
What a rampage.
Florida Man was waiting in a Naples ER waiting room, got agitated about something — the wait, maybe? — and then went nuts.
He broke into the ER and shoved around a patient and a nurse. Staff got him seemingly quieted down and into a room by himself where he wouldn’t bother anyone else.
It didn’t work very well.
Florida Man stripped down and pulled a high-pressure water pipe from the wall, causing a flood and thousands of dollars in damage. When the police came, they had to use a taser to settle him back down once and for all.
Glad no one was hurt, and I dearly hope two things. The first is that Florida Man gets the help he needs. The second is that they found his pants.
SCORE: Public Nudity, Taser, Water Hazard, Drugs/Alcohol (I’m forced to assume).
RUNNING TOTAL: 19 FMF Points.
Florida Mayor, Super Cop
Tampa Mayor Jane Castor hauls in package of 70lbs of cocaine – worth $1.1 million – while fishing in the Florida Keys with her family
You can take the woman out of her police uniform… wait, that didn’t come out right.
Let me try this again, reported as straight news.
Tampa Mayor Jane Castor is a retired police officer. She actually made chief before retiring in 2015 and was elected mayor in 2019.
But her cop instincts are still strong:
The mayor of Tampa has described a fishing trip with her family off the Florida Keys that resulted in a surprising catch: a 70-pound pack of cocaine.
…
She said that her brother spotted the black plastic package, around the size of a microwave, bobbing in the water.Castor knew immediately it was cocaine.
They reeled in the haul and called the local sheriff’s department from the boat on their way to drop it off near Marathon.
Nice job, Mayor.
SCORE: 3 bonus points for Sheet Awesomeness.
RUNNING TOTAL: 22 FMF Points.
Previously on Florida Man Friday: Forget Cocaine Bear, We’re Looking for Cocaine Sharks
So How Did Florida Man Do This Week?
Five scored stories with a total of 22 points for a respectable average of 4.4 FMF points per story.
Nice.
Meanwhile, in Nevada…
‘Lake Tahoe Foot Fondler’ nabbed for allegedly touching toes of sleeping women
Don’t. Just… don’t.
A story like that can mean only one thing: Florida Man has exactly one week to reclaim his crown of glory in time for the next exciting episode of…
