Florida Man Friday is your much-needed break from the serious news, and this week we have the best dog person in the world, cocaine sharks, and Colorado Man doing his best impersonation of Florida Man — right down to the gator.
Let us begin as we always do with…
The Most Florida Man Story Ever (This Week)
Florida Man posed as U.S. Marshal, with flashing lights and siren on truck
Here’s the thing about impersonating a police officer: it might work in a one-on-one situation, like when you want to bully a drug dealer out of his stash or you’re looking to get some free services from a lady of the evening.
It sounds like I’ve given this a lot of thought but I haven’t, I swear. I’ve just watched “Miami Blues” too many times, even if it isn’t nearly as good as the book.
Still, it looks like my movie viewing was more preparation for impersonating a cop than Florida Man ever did. For reasons we still don’t know, he was impersonating a U.S. marshal looking for “two gang members, two gangs out there that are riding on a four-wheeler with a pole on it, busting into people’s houses.”
At least that’s what he told the Marion County sheriff’s deputy who noticed the flashing lights on Florida Fake Marshal’s fake police truck, pulled over on Highway 301. They got to talking, with Florida Man telling the deputy, “I work at a Texas [sic], but they got me down at Florida right now. Looking into Marion Oaks.”
Wouldn’t you know it, but an actual U.S. Marshal showed up for the flashing lights, too.
“So where do you work out of Texas?” the Marshal asked. “Dallas,” Florida Man replied. “Dallas? What’s your district?” “…district, what do you mean?” “Well,” the Marshal said, “if you’re a US Marshal, you would know your district.”
That’s when Florida Man was placed under arrest for pretty much everything.
All because he had to attract attention with the fancy flashing lights.
As always, one point is awarded in each category except when I say so.
SCORE: Impersonation, Likely Story, Chutzpah, Drugs/Alcohol (found in his truck), Getting Caught Stupidly.
TOTAL: 5 FMF Points.
What Has Up to 200 Teeth and an Eight Ball?
Drug-addicted ‘cocaine sharks’ may be devouring dumped drugs off Florida coast
No, this isn’t the shark you can snort.
Marine biologist Tom Hird believes that sharks swimming off the Florida coast “may have ingested bales of cocaine left in the water by drug smugglers,” reports Fox 13 News.
“In one experiment,” Hird and another scientist “created packages similar in size and appearance to real cocaine bales. They observed sharks heading straight for the bales and taking bites from them.”
There was another experiment — I swear I’m not making this up — where Hird and his partner in science “made a ‘bait ball’ of highly concentrated fish powder, which would trigger a dopamine rush similar to a hit of cocaine.” They said the sharks “went wild.”
You know what’s missing from this story? ANY ACTUAL COCAINE SHARKS. Hird says his experiments don’t prove any sharks have consumed any cocaine, just that he has fisherman’s stories about “drug-addled sharks consuming the bales.” And Hird should see the ones that got away.
More experiments are needed, he says.
He’s gonna need a bigger budget.
SCORE: Wild Animals, Likely Story, Water Hazard, Drugs/Alcohol (Maybe).
RUNNING TOTAL: 9 FMF Points.
Smartest. Cop. Ever.
Florida teen pulled over for driving 132 MPH
“You understand,” the police officer told the 16-year-old boy, “if you were 18 you’d be going to jail for reckless driving.”
Instead, the cop did something even worse: he called the boy’s dad to come pick him up — and told him exactly why.
As the dad of a 17-year-old boy who I hope is smarter than that, I can tell you that if he did get caught being that stupid on purpose, he’d much rather deal with the police than with his mom and dad.
Maybe that’s why — knocking on all the wood here — he’s been too smart to be that stupid.
SCORE: Vehicular Madness, WTF Were You Even THINKING?, Someone’s Bottom Area.
RUNNING TOTAL: 12 FMF Points.
Exclusively for Our VIPs: It Isn’t Just Disney — Not Even ‘Barbie’ Can Save Warner Bros.
BONUS FLORIDA HEADLINE: Florida Woman Makes Jewelry Out Of Breastmilk And Cremation Ashes.
She’d run out of saliva and used spleens.
Somebody Set Us Up the Fake Bomb
Florida Man claims to have explosive device when family members try to evict him
You know what I hate?
I hate it when all I want to do is keep living at home even though I’m 21 and don’t pay any rent or chip in with the utilities or even the groceries and when my family finally gets all upset over nothing and calls me a freeloader and I don’t even know why so I tell them “I’ve got a bomb in my room so you can’t kick me out or I’ll blow up the whole house” but then my mom is like, “Bobby, you did not build a bomb in there — you couldn’t even tie your shoes until fourth grade” and now the police are here so I guess I’ll be staying with them for a while.
Don’t you hate that, too?
SCORE: Weapon (Preferably Unusual [Although in This Case, Imaginary]), Domestic Bliss, Should Have Taken the L.
RUNNING TOTAL: 15 FMF Points.
Meet the Best Person in the World
Florida Woman dedicates her life to helping senior hospice dogs
Before we proceed, I’ve got to warn you that this is one of those stories that contains internet-transmissible onion fumes.
Carry on:
Jennifer Langston runs a senior dog sanctuary called Golden Ears.
Langston said she loves what she does, but admittedly, it’s not for everyone. Many of the dogs at the sanctuary have terminal illnesses, and the majority of them were taken in as strays.
But there are plenty of success stories at Golden Ears. Take Reese, for example—she had a large mass removed from her body and is recovering nicely.
Langston is trying to give every dog here a high quality of life as they near its end.
“I think everyone is given a special gift, and this is mine. I have a great support system that helps me through when I’m faced with a difficult decision, and I trust that every decision I make is best for the dog,” explained Langston.
Golden Ears works solely off of donations, and right now, they have a big need for wet food. They will be holding one of their annual fundraising event on August 12.
There are so many great dogs working at hospice facilities with people nearing the end of their days, but who takes care of the aged dogs?
Florida Woman does.
Thank you, Jennifer Langston.
P.S. The Golden Ears donation page is right here.
I just gave a little and maybe some awesome VIP members will, too.
SCORE: A record-tying five bonus points for Sheer Awesomeness.
RUNNING TOTAL: 20 FMF Points.
Previously on Florida Man Friday: Eagle vs. Shark vs. Fisherman — Guess Who Wins!
So How Did Florida Man Do This Week?
Five scored stories worth 20 points for a nice, round average of four FMF Points.
Good job, everybody, but it was really the good work of Jennifer Langston that made it all worthwhile.
Meanwhile, in Colorado…
Colorado Man dodges hungry gator during feeding time
Yes, we have a gator rescue farm in Colorado. And, yes, we feed the gators by walking right up to them on the slippery mud. Because why should Florida have all the fun?
A story like that can mean only one thing: Florida Man has exactly one week to reclaim his crown of glory in time for the next exciting episode of…
