Culture

What's That Flying Out of Madonna's... You Know?

(AP Photo/Thoko Chikondi)

It seemed like an ordinary news day, right up until I found myself having to write about Madonna’s … you know. And the stuff coming out of there you wouldn’t believe.

I didn’t exactly have to snatch this story away from any of my PJ Media colleagues because apparently, I’m the only one willing to go where no man … well … has gone before.

Feeling merciful — and as a columnist for a family-friendly website — I’ll keep the details trimmed down to this bare essential: Madonna is selling naughty NFTs of herself giving birth to not-babies in the name of art.

An NFT (Non-Fungible Token) is basically copy protection on steroids, a way to make digital art possessable only by its rightful owner. NFT is encryption-meets-blockchain so that each NFT-protected piece of digital art is unique to the owner and cannot (in theory) be reproduced.

Technical as they are, it’s easier to explain NFTs than whatever it is Madonna was trying to do here.

Stretching the meaning of “art” out of all recognition, the 63-year-old celebrity and increasingly pathetic publicity hound has had NFT-protected “art” videos made from digital scans of her body. Right up to and including inappropriate stuff coming out of her … you know.

That’s according to the Daily Mail, the British tabloid with an NFT-worthy talent for reporting these things with a straight face.

The scans — which I won’t reproduce here — have more SnapChat beauty filters applied to them than an entire series of coffee table books devoted to various Kardashians.

Auctions of Madonna’s “Mother of Creation” NFTs will benefit three charities “chosen by the popstar and the digital creator,” Beeple.

I did not just suffer a small stroke. “Beeple” is the name of the artist formerly known as Michael Joseph Winkelmann.

While I hesitate to criticize the artistic skills or merit of a guy calling himself Beeple, I can tell you from the publicly-available clips that these NFTs look like they were generated by a 2006 vintage PlayStation 3.

According to the website, “the three works in Mother of Creation triptych represent a different form of birth in our contemporary world.”

In a contemporary world where men can get pregnant, can you guess what Madonna might give birth to?

Don’t sweat it. I’ve got you covered.

In the first NFT, Madonna can be seen giving birth to a tree. The scene is supposed to convey something about motherhood, I suppose, but it’s more like something out of a low-budget ’80s horror movie (I could even tell you which one).

In the next NFT, butterflies fly out of Madonna’s not-so-private place because art, you philistine.

Madonna NFT
No butterflies were harmed in the making of this column. (Image by HeungSoon from Pixabay.)

If you have to ask how much it would cost not to watch butterflies emerge from Madonna’s not-so-private place, you can’t afford it.

In the third video, there are metal centipedes crawling out of her nether region. Again, these videos are supposed to say something nice about motherhood and creation but … no. Not even H.R. Giger ever went that dark, and that man’s art had some unpleasant things to say about birth and babies.

Madonna also reads song lyrics and poetry aloud while giving birth to various flora and robotic fauna.

T’ain’t nobody’s business if she does.

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We haven’t seen this much of Madonna since her infamous 1992 Sex art-pr0n book that almost nobody bought except — I swear this is true — the gay male program director of the radio station where I was working at the time.

We shouldn’t have to see much at all of Madonna anymore, whose last hit was in 2012.

Sex coincided with the release of Madonna’s similarly themed album, Erotica. Pretty much everyone at the time (except for my boss at that radio station) agreed that she’d finally overexposed herself. Yet here we are, 30 years later, and she’s exposing herself even more.

Who, exactly, is the market for this particular — or should I say “peculiar” — NFT?

If I had to guess, it would be men about my age who fell for her tacky “boytoy” image circa 1985, never got wise to her manipulations and machinations, and have still never kissed a real, live girl.

If you are that guy, you have my sympathy. You may also have this handy link to the Mother of Creation website where you can give the last full measure of your devotion to art, charity, and whatever emerges from Madonna’s … you know.