Who has time for witty Florida Man Friday intros when there’s so much news to cover?
It’s news we get to cover only because of Florida’s best-in-the-nation Sunshine Law. In there other 49 states, you only get big news stories about murder and political scandals and the weather.
But Florida gives you…
Florida Man Friday!
Let us begin as we always do with…
The Most Florida Man Story Ever (This Week)
Florida Man arrested after hiding live alligator in his truck
It started off as a routine traffic stop.
Well, routine for Orlando, maybe.
You know when you walk into your favorite bar and the bartender starts making your martini before you can even sit down? Or the hostess at your favorite restaurant takes you right to your favorite table?
That’s what happened to Florida Man, except… well, you’ll see.
Deputies pulled over Florida Man in his pickup truck because they recognized him from previous encounters and figured he probably hadn’t gotten his license reinstated.
That’s when things got weird.
Florida Man had a baby alligator in a plastic tub in the back of the truck because, what, he’s supposed to keep the baby alligator on the passenger seat?
He also had a couple of firearms back there.
Naturally, the police then searched Florida Man’s person, and just as naturally, they found syringes loaded with meth in his jacket.
Firearms, a baby gator, and two syringes full of meth — that’s just what Florida Man calls “Friday night.”
SCORE: One point each for drugs/alcohol, wild animals, weapons, petty crime, getting caught stupidly.
TOTAL: 5 FMF Points.
Starting this week off strong, Florida Man!
Florida Woman, Private Eye
Florida Woman Tracks Down Fraud Suspect Herself at WaWa
Florida Woman turns super-sleuth after noticing fraudulent charges on her bank statement.
So she went to the WaWa, where some of the charges were made, and learned — the story doesn’t make it clear how — of a “gentleman” driving a white truck.
She went back the next day:
According to police, she saw the man pumping gas into his white truck then watched as he threw several credit cards into the trash.
Police say while watching the suspect, the victim received fraudulent alerts from her bank which matched the time and location where she was. She then called 911.
When police arrived, they found multiple steel tanks and 28 fraudulent credit or debit cards still in the truck driven by Florida Man.
As it turns out, Florida Man was using stolen cards to buy gas, which he was then presumably reselling on the black market.
SCORE: Chutzpah (for Florida Woman), plus petty crime, and getting caught stupidly.
TOTAL: 8 FMF Points.
More Crime with Les Paul
Florida Man uses elderly woman’s credit card to buy 11 Gibson Les Pauls
So Florida Man moved in with an elderly couple, ostensibly to help care for the sick husband.
He then conned the wife out of her credit card to buy groceries …and stuff.
Lots of stuff. Like “11 Gibson Les Paul electric guitars and a selection of other music equipment,” according to the report.
I love this bit:
Police say just days after Florida Man obtained the credit card, large packages started being delivered to the house. Florida Man blamed the purchases on his girlfriend, vowing to return them and correct the mistake, though he never did.
At what point does it go CLICK in a criminal’s mind that he can totally get away with having a bunch of big boxes of fraudulently obtained goods delivered to the home of the person he’d defrauded?
And what was Florida Man going to do with all those guitars?
There are some mysteries man was not meant to understand.
SCORE: Petty crime, getting caught stupidly.
TOTAL: 10 FMF Points.
Those Are Not the Wheels on the Bus
Florida Woman Accused Of Putting 4-Year-Old In Dryer, Who Said He ‘Went Round & Round’
Before going on, let me put your mind at ease: The boy had a few bruises but was not seriously hurt.
OK?
OK.
More:
A Florida babysitter has found herself behind bars after allegedly putting a 4-year-old boy in a dryer.
Lake County deputies arrested 35-year-old Florida Woman on an aggravated child abuse charge.
CBS4 has learned that the boy demonstrated to investigators that Florida Woman would put him in the dryer and close the door. The boy then said he “went round and round.”
Don’t do that.
How’d she get caught? THE FOUR-YEAR-OLD TOLD PEOPLE HE’D BEEN PUT IN A DRYER.
Because of course he would.
SCORE: Weapon (the “preferably unusual” option REALLY kicked in this time), getting caught stupidly, plus a bonus point for just being the strangest story I read all week.
TOTAL: 13 FMF Points.
Previously on Florida Man Friday: Now That’s What I Call Getting Tased
Who You Gonna Call?
Florida Man calls deputies for help after tying up couple for 2 days
See a prowler in the neighbor’s yard? Call the police.
See a car swerving drunkenly on the highway? Call the police.
See a focused, non-terminal, repeating phantasm or a class-five full-roaming vapor? Call the police.
No, wait — you call Ghostbusters for that last one. My bad.
I don’t really want to quote from this story because it’s really just too horrific for a lighthearted FMF item.
But Florida Man, having held an elderly couple captive in their own home for two days, called the police on himself so they could help take care of the couple. You can probably imagine what kind of shape they were in after two days of being tied up. Ugh.
Let’s put aside the awfulness for a moment and go through the Steps of Escalating Wrongness on display here.
- Home invasion
- Kidnapping-in-place
- Spending two days there
- Calling the police for help with the people you hurt
- Sticking around to get arrested
I don’t even know how to score this one, so I’m not going to. Can we just agree between us to pretend it never happened?
Now This Is More Like the Florida Man We Know and Love
Shirtless Florida Man accused of breaking into restaurant to steal lava cake, cobbler & ice cream
Who knew Florida Man had such a sweet tooth?
The restaurant’s owner told police that Caster broke into the restaurant through a back porch screen.
Caster had a small dog and a backpack with him as he ate a cobbler dessert out of a pan, an arrest report said.
Deputies said Caster left the restaurant on a bicycle before being arrested.
Officials said that while searching Caster, they found a stainless-steel pan filled with cobbler, a lava cake and a large tub of vanilla ice cream on his person.
Deputies said Caster had been arrested for theft several times in the past.
#ProTip: Your higher-class crooks get themselves made president of the United States when they want free ice cream.
SCORE: Petty crime, public nudity, getting caught stupidly, recidivism.
TOTAL: 17 FMF Points.
Exit Question: I’m considering adding “Neck/Face Tattoos” to the list of possible FMF points. What say you?
Flying the Overly Friendly Skies
Florida Man Arrested for Lewd Behavior on a Flight from Newark to Boston
Florida Man, keep your hands to yourself… no, not like that:
Florida Man, 76, of Bonita Springs, Fla., was charged by criminal complaint with one count of lewd, indecent and obscene acts while in the special aircraft jurisdiction of the United States. He was arrested this morning at Boston Logan International Airport. He will make an initial appearance in federal court in Boston at a later date.
According to the charging document, on or about April 8, 2022, Florida Man allegedly engaged in masturbation and exposed his penis to a 21-year-old female passenger seated next to him while onboard a flight from Newark to Boston. Robinson then placed his hand on top of the victim’s thigh without her consent.
Somebody forgot to tell Florida Man that that kind of behavior is only allowed on officially sanctioned private jets chartered for the nation’s rich and powerful.
SCORE: Public nudity, chutzpah.
TOTAL: 19 FMF Points.
Trying to Beat the High Cost of Living
Florida Man accused of impersonating officer to get discount at Wendy’s
Florida Man had been getting away with this act for two years — but not this day, Florida Man, not this day:
“Florida Man was asked to provide his law enforcement identification at which time he quickly flashed a gold-colored badge to the Wendy’s staff and then demanded the discount again. When the request was denied, an argument ensued,” the department said.
Police say Florida Man then reportedly told employees that he was not a police officer but worked for DEA as an undercover agent.
Because undercover agents always tell people they’re undercover agents when they want a 15% discount on a Frosty.
Florida Man then proceeded to argue over the discount until police arrived to arrest him.
SCORE: Petty crime, getting caught stupidly, chutzpah.
TOTAL: 22 FMF Points
So How’d Florida Man Do This Week?
If my math is correct — and it rarely is — Florida Man racked up 22 points over the course of seven scored stories for an average of 3.14 points per story.
That’s a new record and it’s pi.
Who doesn’t love pie?
Meanwhile, in Maryland…
A man found dead with 124 snakes in his home died of a snake bite, officials confirmed.
Some of the snakes included rattlesnakes, cobras, black mambas and a 14-foot-long Burmese python. https://t.co/HJRT6GsWJ7
— USA TODAY (@USATODAY) April 14, 2022
A story like that can mean only one thing: Florida Man has exactly one week to reclaim his crown of glory in time for the next exciting episode of…
Florida Man Friday!
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