A quick programing note before we get into this week’s super-exciting FMF.
A seemingly nice young lady emailed to ask that her years-old FMF entry be deleted because it had led to “damaging Google results and is affecting my career.”
So I removed it. And going forward, except in the case of actual convictions, I’ll be replacing all real names in criminal reports with pseudonyms such as “Florida Man,” “Florida Woman,” “Florida Iguana,” etc.
With that out of the way, who’s ready for…
Florida Man Friday!
Let us begin as we always do with…
The Most Florida Man Story Ever (This Week)
Police pursuit ends after Florida Man crashes through Mandarin front yard
This one has it all. Or at least lots of it.
It was a typical Jacksonville Friday night, meaning that police got involved in a car chase with Florida Man. They’d tried to stop their suspect, who they believed had taken a shot at another driver during a road rage incident.
It must have looked like a scene from a low-budget direct-to-DVD action flick.
The suspect was driving along San Jose and Marbon Road during rush-hour traffic. Officers attempted a PIT maneuver on the Ford Excursion multiple times but were unsuccessful.
“He then abruptly went back into southbound lanes while traveling north, almost colliding with multiple vehicles,” the report read.
The suspect then turned onto Mandarin Road where officers conducted a successful PIT maneuver. The Excursion rolled into a neighbor’s front yard.
“What sounded like a thud and I was wondering if something like a tree had fallen. I looked out the front and saw an Excursion sitting in the front yard.”
From there, things got weird.
Smith said she heard shots fired between officers and the suspect several times after the suspect jumped out of the crashed SUV.
“The suspect then immediately grabbed PSD Zeke by both ears and began punching him in the head and the face,” the report read. “While engaged, the suspect continued to physically strike PSD Zeke in the rib cage and the head to cause physical harm.”
An officer tased the suspect twice before they were eventually able to arrest him.
I haven’t been able to find out what Florida Man’s drug test result was, but I’d bet on “All the Drugs.”
Here’s the (almost) complete list of available FMF Points for the scoring system I introduced last month.
- A police chase
- Drugs/alcohol
- Vehicular madness
- A water hazard of some kind
- Wild animals
- Corrupt officials
- Public nudity
- Resisting arrest/fleeing police
- Golf
- Weapon, preferably unusual
- Petty crime
- Getting caught stupidly
- Recidivism
Each is worth one point, but as longtime Florida Man Friday readers know, there’s one kind of story I just can’t get enough of.
That’s when the suspect tries to make a getaway in a stolen police car.
Any time that happens, I’m giving Florida Man and/or Woman no fewer than five points.
Here’s how things stand with this week’s lead FMF story.
SCORE: Police chase, vehicular madness, resisting arrest, weapon.
TOTAL: 4 FMF Points.
That’s Gonna Leave a Mark
Florida Woman Felled Like a Tree
According to authorities, Deputy Christopher Witte arrived at the Walmart on South US Highway 441 last Wednesday afternoon in reference to Florida Woman threatening customers and store employees with a brick and knife.
After Deputy Witte ordered Florida Woman to put the knife down several times, he tasered her.
After Florida Woman was arrested, it was discovered that she ingested approximately four grams of methamphetamine earlier in the day.
Sarah Hoyt’s shocked face is currently in a medically induced coma.
SCORE: Weapon, getting caught stupidly, drugs, petty crime.
TOTAL: 8 FMF points.
Florida Man Puts on His Boogie Shoes
Port St. Joe dancing garbage man brings positive impact to locals
I love this:
A local Port St. Joe man has spent the last few years trying to spread joy to others.
And he’s chosen a unique way to do it, by dancing on the side of the road. His dancing has made quite an impact on the community.
BCC Waste Solutions Refuse Collector Reko Gainers is trying to spread his message of positivity.
37-year-old Gainers started dancing in 2016, he refers to himself as the “Turnt-up Trashman of Gulf County.”
Go to the link and read the whole story — I promise it’ll lighten up your day.
I’d also like to thank Florida Man Reko Gainers for bringing the positivity all the way here to Colorado.
SCORE: No points, just awesomeness.
Previously on Florida Man Friday: The Groin Injury He’ll Never Forget
Crazy Cat Lady
Florida Woman accused of using cat to batter girlfriend
First of all, one should never batter with domesticated animals — only use things like panko or egg & flour.
[rim shot]
Despite my aversion to stories involving any kind of animal abuse, this one was just so weird I had to include it.
A St. Petersburg woman was arrested for domestic battery after she allegedly scratched her girlfriend in the face with the couple’s cat, according to an affidavit.
Police said things escalated after Florida Woman and her girlfriend got into an argument at a home in Largo.
According to the report, Florida Woman took their cat, held it up to her girlfriend’s face and “swore on the animal’s life that she was not cheating.”
The animal was in distress and scratched her girlfriend.
I’m assuming the “her” is Florida Woman’s girlfriend and not Florida Woman’s cat’s girlfriend.
SCORE: Petty crime, weapon (“preferably unusual” is right).
TOTAL: 10 FMF Points.
Florida Is Not a Petting Zoo
What else was he expecting to happen pic.twitter.com/SL1d2Yv8s1
— Lt. Shinysides (@DeepFriedToes_) April 5, 2022
SCORE: Wild animal, getting caught stupidly (by a gator, no less), bonus point for chutzpah — although I’m not sure whether I’m awarding it for petting the gator or posting the video.
TOTAL: 13 FMF Points.
Excuses, Excuses
Potential Nikolas Cruz juror says she can’t be on jury because of ‘sugar daddy’
If you thought judges could be demanding, what about sugar daddies?
During the proceeding, Circuit Judge Elizabeth Scherer asked whether she had missed anyone with concerns or questions, courtroom video shows.
“Did you have a question?” she asks one of the prospective jurors, whom she identified as “Miss Bristol.”
…
“I need to figure out something. I have my sugar daddy that I see every day,” Bristol answers.“I’m sorry?” Scherer asks in a deadpan manner as she cocks her head.
“My sugar daddy,” Bristol repeats.
“OK, I’m not exactly sure what you’re talking about but we’ll …,” the judge interjects.
“I’m married, and I have my sugar daddy. I see him every day,” Bristol says.
I’m not exactly certain which jury of peers Florida Woman ought to be on, but you know it would be the kind of trial that could happen only in Florida.
SCORE: Chutzpah bonus point.
TOTAL: 14 FMF Points.
Florida Man Runs for Office
If you want a good laugh read it #fl25 #Floridaman. #Americafirst #LetsGoBrandon pic.twitter.com/kpiMfaDOn3
— Darren.Dione.Aquino CONGRESS🇺🇸🇺🇦US.House Elect (@aquino4congress) April 4, 2022
He’s got my vote.
Again, no score on this one, but some FMF stories are about more than just that.
So How Did Florida Man Do This Week?
It was a slow news week for Florida Man, but what we lacked in quantity was made up for with quality.
Out of just five scored Florida Man stories, s/he managed to rack up an impressive 14 FMF points. That’s an average of 2.8 points per story — which is (just barely) a new record.
Well done, Florida Man. Well done.
Meanwhile, in Texas…
Texas man beat roommate with stick over argument about what mosquitoes look like, police say
Focusing on small things can make a big difference:
The argument escalated into a physical fight when Shavers told his roommate he, in fact, did not know what the insect looks like, while the roommate argued otherwise.
Shavers then “grabbed a stick behind his bed” and started hitting his roommate “in the head with the stick at least 6 times,” the affidavit says.
The roommate managed to grab a metal bat from his closet and hit Shavers while he was defending himself, the affidavit says.
A story like that can mean only one thing: Florida Man has exactly one week to reclaim his crown of glory in time for the next exciting episode of…
