Florida Man Friday: the Groin Injury He'll Never Forget

Oh no, Florida Man. Not that:

Named as 21-year-old Xavier Matthews, the man was attempting a car burglary in the parking lot of a takeaway outlet in the city of Jacksonville in Florida when the accident happened.

The Jacksonville Sheriff’s Office told local station Action News Jax Matthews was found lying in a ditch after the incident last Sunday.

You’d be lying in a ditch, too, if you’d just shot yourself in the groin.

With a stolen gun, natch, because Florida Man.

Police said Matthews was arrested and charged with breaching probation, carrying a concealed weapon and armed robbery. He was remanded in custody and is not eligible for bail.

How long before Florida Man realizes that California and New York have pretty much eliminated bail, and makes his big move north or west?

When it happens, Florida Man Friday will be here for him.

Although I might need a new name for it.

Introduced last month, here’s the (slightly) updated Florida Man Friday scoring system:

• A police chase
• Drugs/alcohol
• Vehicular madness
• A water hazard of some kind
• Wild animals
• Corrupt officials
• Public nudity
• Resisting arrest/fleeing police
• Golf
• Weapon, preferably unusual
• Petty crime
• Getting caught stupidly
• Recidivism

Today’s lead story had: Alcohol, a weapon, petty crime, getting caught stupidly, and recidivism.

SCORE: 5 FMF Points — a new record for a single incident!

You Are Not Cleared for Takeoff

Florida Woman crashed through airport gate, drove on runway, police say

This ended better than it should have:

After entering airport property, the woman drove across an active runway and headed toward a Spirit Airlines plane, officials said. She eventually stopped in front of ground services employees, and police officers took her into custody.

The woman refused to say why she had crashed through the airport gate, investigators said. The woman screamed obscenities at police and threatened to blow their brains out, the arrest report said.

This happened on Tuesday and there are still no reports of Florida Woman having been drunk or on drugs.

If this is how she parties sober, my 23-year-old self would have been very interested in dating her.

Even more odd: None of the reports indicated that Florida Woman has any priors.

So what we have then is just one FMF Point for Vehicular Madness.

Just one point for a story about a woman crashing her car through an airport runway gate, driving around, shouting obscenities, and threatening the police.

Remarkable.

SCORE: 5 FMF Points.
TOTAL: 6 FMF Points.

Mom and Judge and a Guy Named Fudge

Florida Man Nicknamed ‘Fudge’ Jailed After Beating Up Mom, Calling Her For Bail Money

I had to check this one with multiple sources to make sure you and I weren’t getting April fooled.

We aren’t:

Scott Robert Kerster, 45, also known as the one and only “Scott Fudge” is behind bars in Marion County after taking an Uber to a grocery store.

He wasn’t allowed to leave the house — where he lives with his mother — because he was under house arrest for a previous conviction.

But wait, there’s more:

This arrest triggered an investigation where authorities learned that Kerster has attacked his mother a month earlier outside of a Beef O’ Brady’s location.

It’s common behavior while under house arrest to take mom to Beef O’Brady’s for a good beating.

The judge ordered that there be no contact between Fudge and his mother, but after being in jail overnight, on March 20th, Kerster needed $1,000 bail money and his mom was only a phone call away.

That’s right: Florida Man called the mother he was forbidden to contact to ask her for bail money after beating her.

The investigation into the violation of the contact order ensued, and Kerster’s mom denied speaking with him until the investigators let her in on a secret. The investigator listened to the call.

According to the report, Florida Man Fudge “may be facing additional charges,” which coincidentally was the caption under his high school yearbook photo.

SCORE: 5 FMF Points — Petty crime, recidivism, getting caught stupidly (twice!), and a bonus point for chutzpah.

Yeah, I awarded two points for getting caught stupidly twice. That takes a special effort, the kind I wouldn’t want to go unrewarded.

TOTAL: 11 FMF Points.

Previously on Florida Man Friday: Trapped in Port-a-Potty, Caught With More Than His Pants Down

Gator Madness

Large alligator found in bedroom of newly built Florida home gets promptly evicted

Once again, I’m reminded of how glad I am that Colorado is only infested with cute-looking mammals:

It’s believed the alligator was seeking shelter from a cold front and found a laundry room door to crawl through, project manager Matthew Goodwin told McClatchy News.

In New York, the alligator would have been awarded squatters rights and various social justice groups would have taken up the cause of keeping gators safe from climate change.

SCORE: 1 FMF Point — Wild animals.
TOTAL: 12 FMF Points.

Why, Florida Woman, Why?

Florida woman who identified herself as “Shay Johnson” and called herself the cousin of the teen killed on the Orlando ride, and mourned him at the theme park, has “no ties” to his family. As a result, she's been fired from her job as a stripper. | Story: https://t.co/gR1trevoPg

— Brett Clarkson (@BrettClarkson_) April 1, 2022

So, a tragedy happened at a Florida theme park, and so, Florida Woman assumed a fake identity to get in on all the public mourning.

An Orlando Sentinel investigation has confirmed that the woman who called herself Shay Johnson is Lewishena Lavonia Browning, a 32-year-old Orlando woman. The name first surfaced in blog posts that cast doubt on Johnson’s claims but is backed up by court records and interviews.

William Sierer, the owner of an Orlando adult entertainment club called Flash Dancers, confirmed the woman worked for five years at his establishment as an entertainer. He said he fired her this week after learning of the deception.

Turns out “Shay” has quite the rap sheet, although there don’t appear to have been any laws broken this time.

Anyway, if you ever wondered what it takes to get fired from stripping, aside from incontinence, now you know.

SCORE: 3 FMF Points — Chutzpah, getting caught stupidly, recidivism.
TOTAL: 15 FMF points.

I’m thinking of adding Strippers to the list of possible points. Maybe next week.

Only in Florida

Florida Man dances with alligator in pond

Oh:

The man and the alligator are actually hugging and dancing together in the middle of the pond. By the looks on their faces, they both are completely into it. The man, too, doesn’t seem scared at all that he’s actually this close to a dangerous reptile and the alligator seems at ease.

Their love will not be denied, so don’t judge them.

Also, by this time next year, 25% of all Disney characters will be gatorphilic.

SCORE: 3 FMF Points —  Wild animals, water hazard, chutzpah.
TOTAL: 18 FMF Points.

P.S. In all seriousness, that gator has got to be dead, right? RIGHT?

All in the Family

Florida Man accused of tackling deputy, kissing stepsister, attacking parents

More delicate FMF fans, if there is such a thing, might want to read this next item with their eyes closed.

A 22-year-old Deltona man is facing eight felony charges after tackling a deputy during a violent fight, according to the Volusia County Sheriff’s Office. The alleged fight started when the suspect’s girlfriend said she saw him forcibly kiss his 16-year-old stepsister.

Then things got really weird.

“My stepdad is pulling a gun out on him. I’m scared ma’am. Please help me,” said the[911] caller.

Deputies drove up on the chaotic scene on Babcock Avenue where they found Slimon on the ground fighting another male.

“Hey everybody get on the ground now!” shouted the deputy.

The audio captured on his body camera. The deputy with his taser drawn appears to have the fight broken up when Slimon charges the officer.

Ford still has bruises on his face and two fractured ribs from the fight with his step-son. He said it all started when he asked Russell to leave after Russell forcibly grabbed and kissed his stepsister.

There was also a bit with a dog leash but I’m not even getting into that here.

The kicker? It was Florida Man’s birthday.

SCORE: 4 FMF Points —  Weapon, resisting arrest, petty crime (major crime, too, but I don’t score for that), getting caught stupidly.
TOTAL: 22 FMF Points.

Last Call for Alcohol

Florida Man accused of cutting power to Knoxville liquor store that refused him service

It’s exactly what the headline says.

Florida Man was apparently so drunk that a liquor store refused him service, so he trashed the store’s electric meter. Florida Man continued hanging out near the store, was spotted, there was a 911 call, he tried to flee, and then a fight erupted to keep him there until police arrived.

SCORE: 4 FMF Points —  Alcohol, petty crime, resisting, getting caught stupidly.
TOTAL: 26 FMF Points.

So, How Did Florida Man Do This Week?

Eight stories, a record 26 points, and a record 3.25 average points per story.

Well done, Florida Man.

Meanwhile, in China…

A robot made of magnetic slime could be deployed inside the body to perform tasks such as retrieving objects swallowed by accident.https://t.co/EYpnx56vNO pic.twitter.com/zA3hMO80xQ

— New Scientist (@newscientist) March 31, 2022

No. Just no.

Not even God knows what mischief that thing will get up to, once it escapes the lab like a Wuhan virus.

A story like that can mean only one thing: Florida Man has exactly one week to reclaim his crown of glory in time for the next exciting episode of …

Florida Man Friday!