It’s the time of week so very special that it can only be seen by PJ Media VIP supporters, so strap in for our biggest ever…
Florida Man Friday!
Let us begin as we always do with…
The Most Florida Man Story Ever (This Week)
Florida Man found with drugs after getting trapped in port-a-potty
Oh, the humanity.
According to WBBH, deputies with the Collier County Sheriff’s Office were called after reports of a suspicious person and someone shouting.
Shouting, that is, from inside a port-a-potty — suspicious, indeed.
How did Florida Man get trapped inside? Did he forget how to work the latch? Had port-a-potty — shudder — fallen over, door-side down?
Those were my two guesses, but Florida Man is far too clever for such a simple predicament.
When a deputy arrived, a man could be heard yelling loudly. As the deputy got closer, she could hear the screams and saw a foot sticking out of the bottom of the port-a-potty.
I have questions.
Was the door stuck because Florida Man closed it on his foot after he entered? Or did he stick his foot through the bottom after realizing that he’d been trapped?
That second question still leaves us with the original question of how he got trapped.
Either way, have you seen the floor of a typical port-a-potty?
I’d be screaming, too, if my leg was shoved through that, however it might have happened.
According to WBBH, once the deputy opened the bathroom door they found a baggie with a powdery substance, which later tested positive for fentanyl, as well as a syringe.
That Florida Man had drugs on his person (and as likely seems, in his bloodstream) is almost beside the point.
The point is that the deputy apparently had no trouble opening the port-a-potty door.
So why couldn’t Florida Man? And, seriously, what the hell was up with his foot?
Earlier this month I introduced the FMF Scoring System, and it’s been so much fun that I’m sticking with it.
One point can be awarded for each:
- A police chase
- Drugs/alcohol
- Vehicular madness
- A water hazard of some kind
- Wild animals
- Corrupt officials
- Public nudity
- Resisting arrest/fleeing police
- Golf
- Weapon, preferably unusual
- Petty crime
- Getting caught, stupidly
Plus, the occasional Bonus Point for chutzpah, such as stealing a police car instead of simply fleeing from the police.
Here’s how the score shakes out for Florida Man’s port-a-potty troubles.
SCORE: Drugs/alcohol, a water hazard of some kind (think about it), petty crime, getting stupidly caught.
TOTAL: 4 FMF Points for one caper — tying last week’s record.
Stick around until the end to see how Florida Man did on this Friday.
Snitches Get Stitches/Mouths of Babes
A Florida woman, was caught in a lie after she told police she had not been drinking and driving.
Wiley's 9-year-old son chimed in from the backseat saying, "Mom, you can’t lie to the police. You did drink." She was then arrested pic.twitter.com/kVJ3HT4OGL
— My Mixtapez (@mymixtapez) March 25, 2022
The tweet didn’t include many details so I decided to do a little digging. During my research, I came across Florida Woman’s high school yearbook where she’d been voted “Most Likely to Get Snitched for Driving Drunk by Her Own Kid.”
SCORE: Drugs/alcohol, getting stupidly caught
TOTAL: 6 FMF Points.
Just a Gigolo
Florida cop fired for soliciting gigolos on-duty, taking graphic photos in uniform
Everybody needs a hobby and/or love.
The important thing is not to let either one interfere with work.
Because without that steady paycheck, how is anyone going to be able to afford their hobbies, much less love?
No one told Florida Man:
A rogue Florida cop has been fired for soliciting male prostitutes and taking graphic photos — both while on duty.
Investigators began a misconduct probe into former Palm Beach County Deputy Sheriff Joshua Brack in 2021 after a jilted ex-girlfriend claimed he routinely ran wild on the job.
Brack’s girlfriend ratted him out when she called cops to her home while several of his family members tried to retrieve his belongings after they split.
Probers later found evidence that Brack trysted with male hookers while on duty and shot graphic pictures of himself while supposedly on patrol.
How long did it take Florida Woman to figure out that her boyfriend wasn’t all that into her, and was into gay male prostitutes instead?
That can’t be the kind of thing that’s all that easy to keep secret.
Plus: “The disgraced officer also confiscated drugs and other contraband from suspects to sell them off for personal profit, officials said.”
SCORE: Drugs/alcohol, corrupt officials, petty crime, public nudity.
TOTAL: 10 FMF Points.
Florida Men, We Salute You
Florida Men Arrested for Allegedly Hacking Fuel Pumps and Lowering Cost of Gas to Pennies
How to beat the high cost of living?
Cheat:
Ned Bowman, the president of the Florida Petroleum Marketers Association, explained how the devices work. “They go in and they change the pulsator. The pulsator is the device that is inside the gas pump that regulates the flow of the fuel,” he said. “So they’re able to change the price of the fuel down to a nickel or a penny to the gallon and fill the back of their trucks up—their bladders or spare tanks—with fuel that’s basically free.”
This is very clearly wrong, and a friend of mine wants to know more about these pulsators.
He’s shy so you can just email me and I’ll pass it along.
SCORE: Petty crime.
TOTAL: 11 FMF Points.
White Supremacy Is Everywhere
I think I remember a time when politeness and consideration were social values. But perhaps my hindsight is through rose-tinted glasses https://t.co/cZQvG037Xo
— Pitt Griffin (@pittgriffin) March 17, 2022
Honestly, I don’t know how to score this one, so I’m just going to award one Bonus Chutzpah Point to Florida Woman for claiming the guy she cut off had a gun, and another to Florida Man for dragging race into a parking dispute.
SCORE: Chutzpah times 2.
TOTAL: 13 FMF points.
Previously on Florida Man Friday: You Won’t Believe What He Did at Starbucks (Or How Many Times He Got Tazed)
Any Excuse Will Do
‘I’ve driven way drunker.’ Florida man’s excuse not one to try if cops pull you over
Well:
A Tampa, Florida, man was heading north through Forsyth at about 3 a.m. in a new Nissan Altima when a Monroe County sheriff’s deputy pulled him over for speeding. The man was said to have been going 98 mph, driving erratically.
His license was invalid “with multiple suspensions,” the deputy’s write-up noted.
Still, you gotta love the excuse.
SCORE: Drugs/alcohol, vehicular madness, petty crime.
TOTAL: 16 FMF Points.
Have It Your Way
Burger King employee shoots customer who threw mayonnaise at her face
Some people just really don’t like mayo:
A witness told police he saw Hicks get into a verbal dispute with a customer in the drive-thru. A relative of Hicks’ stated that the customer threw mayonnaise in her face.
The witness said the customer then drove off and parked in the parking lot, Hicks left the restaurant, went to her car and grabbed a gun, then fired five shots toward the person’s car as they drove away.
“She started jumping up and down, ran outside, and started shooting at him,” a witness named Kevin told WSVN. “He took off after that and then she got in her car and followed him.”
The car was abandoned but officers tracked it down and found a gun on the floorboard. The customer was not found and his condition is unknown.
Florida Woman is being held on a mere $1,000 bond for firing at a moving car.
SCORE: Weapon. Vehicular madness, Petty crime (assault with mayo).
TOTAL: 19 FMF Points.
Don’t Do the Crime If You Can’t Hide the Wine
Florida Man steals over $1,500 worth of wine
Now, this is my kind of caper:
The Palm Beach County Sheriff’s Office is searching for a man who they say stole over $1,500 bottles of wine from Whole Foods.
According to deputies on March 21, the unknown suspect loaded the wine into his cart and left Whole Foods without paying.
The sheriff’s office said the man stole 28 bottles in total.
The wine Florida Man stole was worth about $54 per bottle.
Respect.
SCORE: Petty crime, drugs/alcohol, chutzpah.
TOTAL: 22 FMF Points.
Apropos of Nothing
This was sent in by a Longtime Sharp VodkaPundit Reader™ from Texas, but please notice the Florida plates.
Obviously a labor of love.
Well done, Florida Man.
So How Did Florida Man Do?
Eight stories, 22 FMF points tying last week’s record 2.75 points per Florida Man Story.
Not bad.
Meanwhile, in Alabama…
Weighty case: Alabama man charged in theft of 70-ton crane https://t.co/tYWj6KSuxI
— News 19 (@whnt) March 22, 2022
And he would have gotten away with it, too, if…
…well, if he hadn’t tried to steal a 70-ton crane.
Even if Alabama Man had somehow managed to escape, where is he going to hide a 70-ton crane?
A story like that can mean only one thing: Florida Man has exactly one week to reclaim his crown of glory in time for the next exciting episode of…
