We have never needed Florida Man Friday more than right now.
There hasn’t been much we could count on in 2020, between infectious disease, poisonous politics, a deliberately tanked economy, and a universe that has become practically mirthful — not to mention merciless — in its unpredictability.
But there is one thing you can depend upon, week in and week out.
And that’s Florida’s glorious sunshine law, shining its bright light on the very people who let you say: “At least it wasn’t me.”
So chins up, people, and join me on another…
Florida Man Friday!
Let us begin as we always do with…
The Most Florida Man Story Ever (This Week)
Kids, don’t do this at home. Or in your car. Or anywhere.
The driver, Marco Mazzetta, posted the video on YouTube. He said he was trying to defend himself because he believes he, or his passengers were in danger of being shot.
Florida Highway Patrol says it shows how dangerous it can be to argue with other drivers on the highway.
“You don’t know the mindset of the other driver that you might get involved in some kind of situation. A lot of people carry weapons in their cars. This could have really escalated to somebody getting shot, somebody getting killed,” Florida Highway Patrol’s Kim Montes said.
Firing a pistol, one-handed, from a moving vehicle, while driving said moving vehicle, through his own windshield, at another moving vehicle.
What did Florida Man think he’d accomplish with all that going on?
And if you must do any of that, please scrub the dashcam footage instead of posting it on YouTube.
Oh Thank Heaven for 7-Eleven
Don’t do this, either:
Police allege that Vanessa Lee Jones did “intentionally masturbate” while outside a 7-Eleven in St. Petersburg around 11 AM Wednesday.
Seen at right, Jones was arrested for lewd and lascivious exhibition, a felony, since she allegedly “continuously rubbed her vagina” in the presence of a minor.
I guess she really turned it up to… Eleven.
Spare the Rod… Please
Florida Man Arrested for Hitting Deputy in the Face with a Bible https://t.co/fLWz8trh11
— vladtv (@vladtv) October 2, 2020
Check this out and see if you can spot the truly odd detail:
Apparently, Hoskins asked his neighbor to borrow some clothes and when he was told no, he kicked in the door out of anger. Hoskins was only wearing a pair of underwear at the time and began telling the officers, “I condemn you,” before hitting the deputy in the face with a bible.
Who goes to their neighbor’s house to ask to borrow clothes?
The Check Is Was in the Mail
THIS IS FINE.
On November 3rd we all become Florida Woman.
Previously On Florida Man Friday: I’m Begging You to Never Pose as a Cop and Pull Over a Cop (Again)
Necessity Is the Mother of Invention (But Unemployment Is the Midwife)
Florida man invents shopping cart sanitizer
This is actually very cool.
Lost & Found & Arrested
Some things are better left unfound:
“When Sean arrived, he was promptly arrested and searched,” the Facebook past said. “He had more than $3,000 in his pants pocket (obviously because he didn’t have a wallet), bundle of clear baggies, and a trafficking amount of meth. Who would thunk a guy with a trafficking in Meth warrant would show up with a trafficking amount of Meth?”
Well, clearly the police thought so.
Help Wanted, Florida-Style
This is what a job ad for an alligator hunter looks like
If you ever wanted to know the answer to the question, “What’s the exact opposite of the thing Steve does for a living?” now you do know.
There She Goes Again
I understand that there’s something very seriously wrong with me, but I just can’t get enough of these stories where the suspect flees their own arrest in the cop’s own car.
So here’s another one:
Tuesday evening just before midnight, the deputy responded to the 6400 block of SE CR 326 for a suspicious person, deputies say. The deputy spotted the subject of the suspicious person call, later identified as 31-year-old Bonnie Gray, and was able to apprehend her after a foot pursuit.
Gray was placed in handcuffs and put in the backseat of the patrol vehicle, deputies say. However, she was able to slip out of the handcuffs and through the screen partition to gain access to the front seat of the car.
The deputy heard his engine rev and saw Gray speed away, striking him in the process, deputies say. She crashed the vehicle after a short distance and fled into the Goethe Forest.
How bad do you imagine the razzing the deputy got was, once he was back at HQ?
Meanwhile, in Colorado…
Nice try, Colorado Man:
Damian Lynch’s wild ride occurred on the morning of Sept. 2 but details of his attempt have never been reported until now.
Freedom would be short-lived but what he tried to pull off has given him quite the reputation in the Denver jail.
“They’re (fellow inmates) calling me Houdini, James Bond, Ocean’s 11; there have been a couple of nicknames,” Lynch said in an exclusive interview with NewsNation affiliate KDVR-TV at Denver’s downtown detention center.
Lynch’s near escape began as he was about to be loaded onto a bus that would transfer 23 inmates from the downtown detention center.
It’s like Raiders of the Lost Ark meets Escape from Alcatraz.
Meanwhile, in New Jersey…
No monkeys were hurt, or there’s no way I’d report this one.
Meanwhile, in Louisiana…
It’s always in the last place you look, amirite?
Stories like these can mean only one thing: Florida Man has exactly one week to reclaim his crown of glory in time for the next exciting episode of…