There was so much Florida Man Friday material to sort through today, that I’m going to miss my deadline if I try to write a witty introduction.
So let’s dive right into this week’s…
Florida Man Friday!
Let us begin as we always do with…
The Most Florida Man Story Ever (This Week)
Florida Man swallows 4 bags of heroin, escapes from ambulance
I can’t even begin to tell you how much I enjoy attempted-escapes-from-the-police stories.
They have your name and address. Are you really going to stake your entire existence and spend a lifetime on the lam just to avoid some drug charges?
And for that matter, face a whole host of new charges, too.
So:
A Big Pine Key man ate four baggies of heroin and escaped from an ambulance that was en route to a local hospital, sheriff’s officials said.
Deputies with the Monroe County Sheriff’s Office arrived to a home on the 1400 block of Merelyn Lane on Big Pine Key at 5:22 p.m. on Tuesday, Sept. 22. They found Ira Emil Kawzinsky incoherent, but responsive in a bedroom, a press release from MCSO said.
“Incoherent, but responsive” is going to be the title of my autobiography.
What happened next will not surprise you, but it might delight you:
Crews loaded Kawzinsky into an ambulance and started to drive towards the Lower Keys Medical Center on Stock Island while deputies followed behind.
The ambulance made a sudden stop near Mile Marker 30 in the center turn lane and then the rear door opened and Kawzinsky jumped out and ran away.
MCSO deputies set up a perimeter while U.S. Border Control agents, Florida Highway Patrol troopers, Florida Fish and Wildlife Conservation Commission and a K9 unit joined the search for Kawzinsky.
Florida Man was found and finally, successfully taken to the hospital.
Along the way, “Kawzinsky told the deputy that he ingested four bags of heroin before they arrived at the house. He also said that he might’ve blacked out during the incident.”
Florida Man went through all of that, including a failed escape attempt, just to admit to a deputy exactly what he’d done.
If this guy were any less smooth, he could replace Joe Biden at the top of the Democratic ticket.
Florida Woman: Overly Concerned Citizen
Decades after felony conviction, still owing court fees, Florida woman appealing for clemency says she isn't sure if she can legally vote. Except state records show she voted as a Democrat in 2008, 2010, 2012, 2014, 2016 @DanielleIvanov @FreshTakeFla https://t.co/TdFgbW8gpO
— Ted Bridis (@tbridis) September 24, 2020
Since when was not being sure if you could vote a deterrent to actually voting?
Ballot boxes don’t stuff themselves, folks, but fortunately, we have Florida Woman here to help.
Would You Like Fries with That False Alarm?
Florida Man falsely reports ‘dead body’ at McDonald’s to get ride home
It seems like everyone involved was really nice about the whole thing, including Florida Man himself.
Officers say it happened early Friday morning. Jermain Williams, 46, called 911 claiming there was a “dead body” at the McDonald’s on 6th Street NW in Winter Haven. Officers quickly responded to the fast-food restaurant, only to find Williams sitting at the curb. He had called simply because he wanted a ride home, police said.
Officers said they discovered Williams had made numerous calls earlier that night asking for a ride. Police say he was told if he needed medical help, officers could take him to get assistance.
But no, Williams told officers he just wanted a ride.
That was on Friday. As of Tuesday, Florida Man was reportedly still in jail, which seems excessive.
There is one other thought nagging at us. If Florida Man was desperate enough to make a fake 911 call to get a ride home from McDonald’s, what did he did to get a ride to McDonald’s?
Not All Heroes Wear Capes
Florida Woman escapes flooding carrying grandson
Brava, Florida Woman.
Brava.
Don’t Come Around Here No More
Florida Man Angry Kamala Harris Visited Restaurant
“Venezuelan owner says he would have said no to campaign’s visit.”
No biggie. Hispanics aren’t a traditional Democratic voting bloc, anyway.
Previously On Florida Man Friday: We’re Begging You Not to Nurse the Nurse Sharks
Take a Bite Out of… Yardwork?
Florida Woman was attacked by a 10-foot alligator while trimming trees
Florida Woman was treated for her injuries and is apparently going to be OK.
I just had to post this as an excuse to remind you that I’ll still gladly take the occasional bear in my garage over having toothy proto-shoes trying to chew my legs off in the front yard.
Related: Florida Man savagely attacked by gator after his Croc shoes get stuck in mud.
There’s a lesson in that for all of us.
Never wear Crocs.
The Unmasked Avenger
Florida bar owner (FL man) vows to throw out customers for wearing masks: ‘It’s hindering our lifestyle’ – https://t.co/b7089HwmgC
— Kenny_ANTI_gop (@Hope012015) September 18, 2020
Well, why not?
If a business can require you to wear a mask to come in, why can’t another business say you can’t wear a mask to come in?
All the right people are upset about this one, along with Florida governor finally lifting restaurant restrictions, so you’ve got to figure Florida is on the right track.
10 Items Or Less and Absolutely None of That
Florida Woman Farts in Line at Store, Tries to Stab Man Who Complained
Next time, just step away quietly and get into a different checkout line.
Why, Florida Man, Why?
Deputies searching for Florida Man who stole cat blood from clinic
Let. It. Go.
Cat blood can’t possibly be that valuable, and if you catch Florida Man there’s a good chance he’ll tell you why he did it.
And then your brain will melt and you’ll be very sorry.
So just let it go.
I Don’t Know Art But I Know What I Like
Florida Man covers every wall and ceiling in his home with empty Budweiser cans https://t.co/WMDiOGNNHm
— Not the Bee (@Not_the_Bee) September 21, 2020
Budweiser though? Really?
Meanwhile, in Great Britain…
Woman falls from moving car on M25 while filming Snapchat video
Instant karma’s gonna get… and there it goes.
Meanwhile, in Michigan…
Detroit Driver Arrested After Successfully Jumping Over Drawbridge
Just a good old boy never meaning no harm…
Meanwhile, in Colorado…
Bloodied man walks woman, 51, accused of kidnapping him into a Colorado hospital at gunpoint
From my beck of the woods:
‘Investigation revealed the man with the weapon at Penrose Main was actually the victim of the kidnapping and had managed to retrieve a weapon and force his captor to drive him to the hospital,’ police stated.
Colorado is every bit as weird as Florida. All we need to do is copy Florida’s best-in-the-nation Sunshine Law, and Colorado Man would take over.
As I’m sure you know by now, stories like these can mean only one thing: Florida Man has exactly one week to reclaim his crown of glory in time for the next exciting episode of…
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