Before we get started I’d like to take a brief moment to apologize for not posting Florida Man Friday last week.
It’s just that after having sworn off years ago from writing 9/11/2001 memorial features, I felt compelled to write one last Friday, on 9/11/2020.
And after having written one for the first time in years, couldn’t exactly muster the necessary levity to bring you a proper Florida Man Friday.
With that out of the way, won’t you join me on another thrill-a-minute…
Florida Man Friday!
I knew you would.
Let us begin as we always do with…
The Most Florida Man Story Ever (This Week)
According to local media, the eventually arrested man (Omar Forde) was driving home from work when the incident occurred. He told authorities that he was passed on the road by a swerving vehicle.
“The gentleman flew past me, and his car danced,” Forde said in footage from an arresting officer’s bodycam. “So I thought he might have been intoxicated.”
As a result, Forde is said to have tried to pull alongside the car to tell the driver of the car to slow down. That driver, later identified as real officer Zachary Prince, flashed his own lights and asked Forde if he was being pulled over.
“Um… no…?” is what we hear Florida Man answering to the police officer.
Florida Woman Enjoys a Nice Buzz
— Josh Mankiewicz (@JoshMankiewicz) September 16, 2020
Moving right along…
And Now for a Brief Musical Interlude
Anti-Mask Demonstrators Gather at Fort Lauderdale Target
Setting politics and infectious disease aside for the moment, who doesn’t love a good song and dance number?
Florida Man does, along with Florida Woman and Florida Kids.
In fact, I’d go even further and argue that this would be a happier, saner, and calmer world if at least once a day you and those around you performed a number out of South Pacific, or maybe Brigadoon, or The Sound of Music.
Most any happy musical would do, really.
Just be super-careful about picking out your dance partners if you choose do perform anything from Bob Fosse’s repertoire.
I’d hate to see anyone get hurt.
A Very Public Education
— Randy Salars News And Comment (@randysalars) September 17, 2020
Well, it certainly didn’t take long to go from “Everyone must wear masks to save lives” to “Your mask offends me so take it off.”
Next time, try sending Florida Kid to school in a Molon Labe mask.
And video what happens, please, Florida Man, I’m begging you.
Raising the Flag on Mount Suribachi, Florida-Style
So many questions.
- Why steal a gay pride flag?
- Why attack someone with an unwieldy weapon like a flagpole?
- Why “Captain America?”
- What do the police say to their spouses coming home after a day like that?
- Or was it really nothing special, because Florida?
America demands answers.
Victor/Victoria with a Side of Murder
Laurie Leigh Shaver, 37, was arrested Thursday morning in connection with the homicide of her husband Michael Shaver, a Disney monorail mechanic who vanished in 2015, the Lake County Sheriff’s Office said.
I don’t normally cover anything as serious as murder on a lighthearted Florida Man Friday, but something nagged me about this one: How the hell did Florida Woman expect to pass as her husband once she was called on to actually repair a monorail?
It wasn’t exactly going to take Sherlock Holmes to unravel that mystery.
Now That’s What I Call a Shock Collar
Cops Handcuff a Florida Man Who Was Already Locked in a Steel Bondage Collarhttps://t.co/rwu3ByPp71
— Dave&ChuckTheFreak (@DaveandChuck) September 18, 2020
Once again, we’re just gonna move right along past this story.
You’ll for-sure want to click over to watch the TV report.
But before you do, just know that it’s one of those videos that has internet-transmissible onion fumes embedded in it.
You’ve been warned.
It’s Begining to Look a Lot Like Christmas
#NEEDTOID: On 9-15-20 #DaviePD responded to Walmart in regards to a fight in the parking lot. This fight quickly escalated into a beating and strong-arm robbery. If you have any information regarding these suspects. Please contact the Davie PD 954-693-8200. pic.twitter.com/t6QHxxd1wI
— Davie Police Dept. (@DaviePolice) September 16, 2020
We haven’t seen a fight this well-staged since the Batley Townswomens’ Guild put on their reenactment of Pearl Harbor.
Again We Must Ask: Why, Florida Man, Why?
Florida Men caught with stolen power pole on SUV in Jacksonville
So this is a thing that happened in Jacksonville, because Jacksonville.
The Jacksonville men were arrested after someone reported seeing them load a light pole on top of an SUV on the Wonderwood Connector on Wednesday, two days after Hurricane Irma caused major damage in Jacksonville.
According to a police report, an officer heard over the radio that two men without shirts on were loading a light pole on top of a Gray Kia Sorrento.
The officer noticed a light pole was missing from an area on top of the bridge and saw the Kia driving eastbound with the pole on its roof.
They told police that the utility pole wasn’t theirs and that they were just holding it for a friend.
Be Careful What You Wish For
I wish for the self confidence of florida man gassing up open buckets. Not a shred of self doubt. pic.twitter.com/vhMlPmkECZ
— Erin Babbs (@babbsity) September 16, 2020
Me, too… sometimes.
But only sometimes.
Meanwhile, in France…
He picked up an electric fly swatter and started targeting it – but a gas canister was leaking in his Dordogne home.
A reaction between the device and the gas caused an explosion, destroying the kitchen and partly damaging the roof of the home in Parcoul-Chenaud village.
According to local media, the unnamed man had a lucky escape, sustaining just a burn to the hand.
These things happen.
Meanwhile, in Australia…
I thought this video would be captioned “Florida Man…” but it’s Australia 😳 pic.twitter.com/NPQglyuDSh
— K.L. Brown, CEO of Sweat Box (@sweatboxprogram) September 17, 2020
Seriously, I’d take another dozen bears in my garage this fall than just one alligator in the creek where I camp.
Meanwhile, in Canada…
Closed course, professional napper:
Police in Alberta, Canada, arrested a driver in July who was going 140km/h (87mph) in a Tesla Model S. The Royal Canadian Mounted Police announced the arrest yesterday.
The officer reported seeing “both front seats completely reclined and both occupants appearing to be asleep.” The car “appeared to be self-driving,” the RCMP says. When the officer turned on his emergency lights, the vehicle sped up to 150km/h (93mph).
Eventually, the RCMP pulled over the 20-year-old driver and charged him with speeding. They later added a dangerous driving charge.
Technically, Canada Man was not driving.
Stories like these can mean only one thing: Florida Man has exactly one week to reclaim his crown of glory in time for the next exciting episode of…