Florida Man, save us from the shadows!
It feels like something in the shadows is driving the country crazy. Shadowy organizations with shadowy goals taking over the streets. Shadowy police unions protecting even their worst members. A shadow government hiding in plain sight in the State Department, our intel agencies, and even at the Supreme Court.
But not Florida Man. Thanks to Florida’s best-in-the-nation sunshine laws, everything Florida Man does, he does in broad daylight — even on the darkest night.
So join me now — won’t you? — on another brightly lit…
Florida Man Friday!
Let us begin as we always do with…
The Most Florida Man Story Ever (This Week)
I hesitated before using this story because the victim has lost the use of his left hand, maybe forever — and I do like to keep things on the lighter side on Florida Man Friday.
But what else can you do when a guy with a machete tattoo on his face attacks someone with a machete?
You run the story.
Anyway, if this goes to trial, pity the poor defense attorney who’s going to have to try to establish reasonable doubt for Florida Man.
And thank you to literally everyone in the world and in low-earth orbit for sending me this one.
Florida Woman Driving School
I shouldn’t have to keep telling people this, but whatever stupid thing it is you feel like you need to do in a car, don’t do it with kids in there. Or on streets where kids might be in other cars. Or at all.
Exit question: Who races a minivan?
Oh, right — Florida Woman.
Forget the Machete: Now Florida Man Has a Crossbow
The victim is going to be OK, thank goodness. But one question remains: Did Florida Man think he was going to do more or less injury with a crossbow than with some other weapon, like maybe an ahlspiess or a flail?.
Actually, I do have just one more question. Is it wrong that I’d like nothing more in the world right now than to play a videogame where two players assume the identity of Florida Man, both armed with medieval weapons to duke it out?
Machetes and crossbows and falchions, oh my!
Politics, Florida Man-Style
I keep saying our politicians should be more exposed, but I take it back.
That Is One Tough Old Florida Man
An 83-year-old Florida man is now home after battling COVID-19 at a hospital for 75 days! https://t.co/blDqsJoccd
— Good Morning America (@GMA) June 17, 2020
Nice recovery, sir!
Politics, Florida Man-Style Part II
It’s often said that Washington is Hollywood for ugly people. So maybe it’s also true that local politics is prostitution for ugly people.
Think about it.
Florida Woman and/or Typhoid Mary
Letting it all hang out in Florida …. 'Woman, 15 friends test positive for coronavirus after night out at Lynch’s Irish Bar' https://t.co/jtPLHI2rZF
— Paul Barry (@TheRealPBarry) June 17, 2020
I have a very short list of rules for dealing with the Wuhan virus:
• Protect the vulnerable.
• Quarantine the sick.
• Take sensible precautions, AKA don’t be a dumbass.
Florida Woman — who happens to be a healthcare professional — broke the third and most important rule.
I hope everybody comes out of this OK.
Makes You Wonder What Happened to the Boat
No offense meant, but you’re going to have to do a lot better to impress Colorado Man.
Why, Oh, Why?
I know what you’re thinking: We’ve hit Peak Weird with that headline.
It gets weirder once you drill down into the details:
A Florida man arrested on allegations of possessing and distributing child pornography is also accused of “ingesting” underwear.
Investigators learned Jose Araza, 58, purchased and ate soiled underwear, according to Polk County Sheriff Grady Judd.
“[Araza] was buying these things and ingesting them. Did you hear me?” Judd said. “He was munching on them. This guy’s got a problem.”
How investigators learned of this is just one of the many details best left to the imagination.
But we’re not getting off that easy this time:
Judd revealed the allegations during a press conference for “Operation Guardians of Innocence V,” which led to the arrest of 16 other men now facing a total of more than 1,400 felony charges.
“There’s a market out there,” said Judd. “You know what kinds of things get into soiled underwear, right? Sometimes you think you’re passing gas and you’re not. You can’t trust a fart when you’re over 60. But this guy will buy it.”
Still, better than any news you’ll see out of Seattle this week, amirite?
Only in Florida, Man
I actually really like snakes, even let my older son get one when he was probably too young to take care of it.
It didn’t end well, is all I’m saying — but I still liked the snake.
That aside, I’d still rather deal with Colorado’s bears, coyotes, and mountain lions than a bunch of gators or a 17-foot python.
Shopping with Florida Woman in the Time of Coronavirus
Jenna Leigh Sims, 29, of Clearwater, and Paul Edward Turner, 50, of Tampa were arrested Wednesday, according to Largo police. Both were charged with simple battery.
An incident report notes that a conflict began “over the floor directions due to COVID-19” at the Goodwill Clearwater Superstore.
“The entire incident was captured on CCTV,” the report states.
Honestly, I’m on the side of whoever wasn’t following the arrows.
I hate those things.
I’m not a rat in the grocery store’s maze, and life is too short to have to take the long way around for a box of Triscuits.
If any Karen or Kyle tries to give me a lecture at King Sooper’s, I might just become the next Colorado Man story.
That is all.
Spoiler: It Was Too Much, Florida Woman
‘It could have been too much:' Bank employee steals over $14,000 from cash drawer, police say..well..well..well, look at this! Surprise.. surprise https://t.co/r4bQT5oULE
— Reaper (@ReaperGlaser3) June 19, 2020
ProTip: You aren’t supposed to steal any amount from the bank.
Rocket Racoon is a lousy role model, even for Florida Woman.
Meanwhile, in New Orleans…
Out: Boring old dead guys.
In: Curvy blonde pop star.
This is a change even a history buff like me could get behind.
Metaphorically, of course.
Meanwhile, in Colorado
Every time I file a story late because we lost power during a major wind storm — and we get them often — I feel like our managing editor is looking at me sideways through the Slack chat.
But this last one had 60 MPH sustained winds and even stronger gusts.
I drove past a highway roadsign just south of us — one of the big ones, indicating a chain-up area — that looked like a car flew right into it.
And there’s a better-than-zero chance that’s exactly what happened.
Meanwhile, in Vermont…
No, sir, you really didn’t.
But if you’re feeling up to it, Vermont Man, come see us again next week on another fully exposed edition of…