Culture

Florida Man Friday: Gators Gone Wild!

(Image by Jeff Leonhardt from Pixabay.)

Florida Man Friday gives all Americans — black, white, brown, man, woman, and whathaveyou — the chance to set aside the endless panic over riots, looting, pandemics, and reverse mortgages. Instead, we can join together for a few minutes of joyous kumbaya and celebrate the antics of Florida Man and Florida Woman…

…and maybe even indulge in a few additional stories from around the country and even the world.

So join me now, won’t you, on another epic…

Florida Man Friday!

Let us begin as we always do with…

The Most Florida Man Story Ever (This Week)

Florida Man, Not Village Person

(Public domain image.)

Florida Man Defrauded an Oregon Casino by Falsely Claiming to Represent the Village People.

The details:

Yesterday, a Florida man pleaded guilty to defrauding a North Bend casino, in a deeply “Florida Man” sort of way.

Howard Harlib, 67, admitted to falsely claiming to represent the Village People — as in the costume-wearing ’70s disco band most famous for “Y.M.C.A.” — and charging Oregon’s Mill Casino $12,500 for a fraudulent booking.

The grift took place in August 2015. The Coos Bay casino reached out to Harlib, a Florida resident, in response to a flier claiming that Harlib could book the Village People for shows.

Harlib sent the casino a brochure for his company, Premier Entertainment, as well as a contract charging the casino $12,500 for the booking. The casino signed the agreement and sent Harlib a check, which he cashed two days later.

I know what you’re thinking: “$2,083.33 per Village Person? That’s outrageous!”

Florida Woman Puts the Pedal to the Metal

Does anyone still say “pedal to the metal,” or did I just seriously date myself?

Speaking of dating, I wonder if she’s made bail…

Oh, Come On

Florida Man Patriot

(Image courtesy of Facebook.)

Hialeah Lawmaker Says Colleague’s AR-15 Tweet Was Inciting Violence

You have got to be kidding me with this one:

“Attention potential ‘protesters’ coming near Lake County, FL. This is an AR-15—this will be a very common sight upon illegal entry at any Lake County business—FYI!” [Florida state representative Anthony] Sabatini wrote early Sunday, attaching a photo of a camouflage-covered rifle.

In response, Hialeah state Rep. Cindy Polo has filed a written complaint against Sabatini, accusing her colleague in the Florida House of “inciting violence.”

Informing potential rioters that your property is well-defended prevents violence, it doesn’t incite it.

Now That’s What I Call a Peaceful Protest

Was the police officer’s presence really necessary?

Shut Up, Karen

Florida Man is just trying to get some groceries – why does Florida Woman Karen have to judge?

News Brief: Only in Florida

Florida Woman attacked her boyfriend with a hamburger, police say.

Florida Man Sentenced To 4½ Years In Prison For Fraudulent Acquisition Of Valuable Artworks Using Stolen Identities. (You gotta steal something to steal something, I always say.)

Florida Woman charged with violating lockdown after Airbnb party led to shooting.

Florida Woman arrested after inhaling chemicals, attempting to run over officer.

And now, back to our regularly scheduled news.

Previously on Florida Man Friday: Battle of Corona vs. Coronavirus

Would You Like Fries with That?

Florida Woman

(Image by Виктория Бородинова from Pixabay.)

Florida residents can now get drive-thru Botox injections, for $600 a shot

Vanity shall not be deterred by riots, plague, or gators:

After nearly three months of coronavirus lockdowns, Americans who get Botox injections, which typically last three to four months, are itching to get back to their plastic surgeons’ offices.

Some cities have allowed elective procedures, filler injections included, to resume, but doctors and patients are still wary of the risks that come with being in an enclosed office for long durations, and being in close contact with other humans.

So Dr. Michael Salzhauer, the Miami-based plastic surgeon known as “Dr. Miami,” created a drive-thru Botox site for his patients in his clinic’s garage, Reuters reported.

“The somewhat reputable doctor will see you now, thank you, drive through.”

Racial Healing: You’re Doing It Wrong

If you want to start a riot around my place, punch a dog.

P.S. The guy above with the AR-15? I have one, too.

At least one.

As Promised, It’s Time for Gators Gone Wild!

I’d ask why, but I know why.

Because Florida Man.

Is that the real turtle soup, or is it merely the mock?

I gotta tell you, this really puts into perspective the time my wife found a bear in our garage, doing nothing worse than scrounging for trash.

Florida Woman Gets Oklahoma Man’s Zoo

(AP Photo/Sue Ogrocki, File)

Judge gives control of Joe Exotic’s zoo to Carole Baskin.

Now that they’re hers, I wonder who what she’ll feed the tigers.

Florida Man in History

I’d never make it without A/C.

Seriously, anything much above 70 degrees and I’m cranking the A/C up to “Norway.”

This is an issue because my wife is one of those people who would actually wear a down comforter in summer weather, if only they were more fashionable.

So how does an odd couple like us, one who’s always freezing and another who is always too warm, make it work?

It involves a lot of blankets on her side of the bed, and a high-powered fan on mine.

Now that’s love.

Florida Woman Turns Flash Flood Into Drinking Game

I’m actually kind of in awe of Florida Woman right now.

Meanwhile, in Colorado…

(Image by Markus Tries from Pixabay.)

Police Arrest Man Who Claimed He Was Making ‘Healthy Meth.’

Chutzpah:

A Colorado man is facing drug charges after police say he told them he was attempting to create a healthy meth substance with acai berries inside a meth lab in his garage, although a search of the garage did not turn up any methamphetamine.

Rogers also told officers he was making a “healthy meth substance” at his home, because there were acai berries in it, according to an affidavit.

I was just telling you last week that if we only had Florida’s sunshine law here, Colorado Man would give Florida Man a run for his ill-gotten money.

Meanwhile, in California…

I can’t even.

Meanwhile, in New York…

Check out New York Men in action. Can’t believe they made that work.

Meanwhile, in Spain…

(Image by Alexas_Fotos from Pixabay.)

Spanish Porn Star Arrested in Connection to Toad Venom Death.

I saw Toad Venom Death open for Winger at Airport Road Music Hall in ’89.

Editor’s Note: No, he didn’t.

Anyway, stories like these can mean only one thing: Florida Man has just one week to reclaim his crown of glory in time for the next epic…

Florida Man Friday!

Previously On Florida Man Friday Goes Seriously Awesome: Surfin’ I-75