Usually, I open Florida Man Friday with a cute little intro, but this was an incredibly busy week down in the Sunshine State, and I still have all these presents to wrap. So without further ado, won’t you join me please on another exciting…
Florida Man Friday!
We’ll begin as we always do with…
The Most Florida Man Story Ever (This Week)
This story is an update to a news item from last June, and yet all these months later we still don’t know if the 11-foot gator has developed a taste for the sweet stuff.
Which, when you think about it, is the single most important detail in a story like this one.
FLORIDA MAN FLASHBACK: Beware… the… Methagator!
‘Tis the Season?
Police are searching for a South Florida woman after surveillance video captured her stealing a Christmas wreath and pointing a gun at a Hollywood homeowner. https://t.co/B26BOBBsdg
— WSVN 7 News (@wsvn) December 7, 2019
Next time maybe she just ought to try shopping at Goodwill. I understand they have some surprisingly good deals.
Florida Man Doesn’t Know Art, But He Knows What He Likes
Lamborghini spotted by my brother-in-law in Miami. pic.twitter.com/IOgHh5U5oJ
— Alexander Nazaryan (@alexnazaryan) December 7, 2019
If you’re wondering whether that paint job is going to impact the resale value of Florida Man’s Lamborghini, ask yourself two things:
• Could it actually increase the car’s resale value?
• Does Florida Man give a damn?
We all know the answer to the second question.
Halloween Has Never Been So Frightening
— The Only Florida Man (@ImFloridaMan) December 10, 2019
Maybe you’ve seen them, the bodysuits that look like bare skin, including… ah… details. Maybe you even think they’re kind of clever or amusing. But would you wear one to an elementary school’s Halloween party? Especially if you were an administrator there?
Florida Woman would!
Oh, Come ON
90-year-old Florida man arrested for second time in a week after feeding the homeless again https://t.co/oESnGCgVRz
— nik baret (@nikbaret) December 9, 2019
Stories like this one would get Joe Stalin reading Ayn Rand.
Florida Man News Update
You might remember the strange case of Florida Man Cody Christopher Meader, age 20, of St. Petersburg. He was arrested at a local Target in October for sexually molesting an Olaf stuffed animal. After finishing his business with Olaf, Meader then moved on to a stuffed unicorn, which is when police arrived. Target apparently has a one-molested-doll per customer limit, which doesn’t seem unreasonable.
Today we learn the Florida Man has indeed been charged with criminal mischief. remains free on a $150 bond, and is scheduled for arraignment in January. Meader doesn’t seem to be a threat to anyone in the community, and local officials urge everyone to just let it go.
I Can Vouch for This One
— Skebras 🐺 (@Skebras) December 7, 2019
My little town of Monument, Colo., is too small to have “that guy we all know about,” but we sure did where I used to live in the Central West End of St. Louis.
About 20 years ago, “that guy” could be seen up and down Euclid Blvd, Laclede Ave, or West Pine — not far from the Barnes-Jewish Hospital complex. He was a tall, well-built black man who would don a tiny little cheerleader outfit and a rainbow wig, grab his baton, and lead a one-man parade to the sound of a marching band only he could hear.
Sometimes I wonder whatever happened to that guy, but these days I figure he probably ended up in Florida.
What Has Been Seen Cannot Be Unseen
This ‘buck naked’ Florida man was one of 124 people arrested during Operation Santa’s Naughty List, which targeted prostitutes, child predators and johns during a six-day period. https://t.co/e7UPOLUx3v
— News 6 WKMG (@news6wkmg) December 11, 2019
Never, ever, ever invite Florida Man to one of those come-as-you-are parties.
News Brief: Only in Florida
• Florida Man Arrested After Punching Walmart Customer for ‘Taking Too Long’ at Checkout. (Is it wrong that I’m kinda on Florida Man’s side on this one?)
And now, back to our regularly scheduled news…
Performance Art, Florida-Style
You know what to do when you see that on the street: Just move right along…
Don’t Feed the Wild Animals
Actually, this guy can go ahead and do that.
The Best-Laid Plans of Mice and Florida Woman…
Spoiler: She got arrested.
Oh, the Humanity!
— Orlando Sentinel (@orlandosentinel) December 10, 2019
If you’re one of those people who, like me, believes in making the punishment fit the crime, then I’d love to hear your suggestion for this one.
Florida Man Doesn’t Know Art, But He Knows What He Likes: Part II
— Florida Man (@FloridaMan__) December 8, 2019
This whole thing had to be an elaborate prank, right?
Tis the Season for Viral Videos
Here’s what happened when blogger and author Mary Katherine Backstrom tried to share a little Christmas spirit:
At Wawa, the gas station and convenience store, Backstrom was in the mood to give back, so she offered to pay for the next person in line’s ginger ale.
The woman was appreciative and it was a “precious moment,” Backstrom said in the video. When she left the store, she said she was “still in this mindset that the holidays are so magical.”
That’s when she thought she saw a man washing her car’s windshield. Naturally, she approached him. “‘This is my favorite part of humanity! I love Christmas so much, thank you for doing this,’” Backstrom recalls saying to the kind stranger. “And I gave him a hug.”
The only issue? It wasn’t her car. He was just washing his own car, parked right in front of his.
I can’t embed the video because she posted it to Facebook, but I can share with you a classicly British story with a similar twist. Here’s the late, great Douglas Adams telling the Greatest Other Story Ever Told.
(If the video doesn’t start at the 2:49 mark as I told it to with the embed code, just skip ahead. It’s delightful.)
Meanwhile, in Colorado…
How far would you go to get out of jury duty, Florida Man?
I guess we’ll find out next week on the next exciting…