Florida Man Friday: Meet the MAGA-Lambo

Usually, I open Florida Man Friday with a cute little intro, but this was an incredibly busy week down in the Sunshine State, and I still have all these presents to wrap. So without further ado, won’t you join me please on another exciting…

Florida Man Friday!

We’ll begin as we always do with…

The Most Florida Man Story Ever (This Week)

Florida man overdosed on meth before alligators ate parts of his body.

This story is an update to a news item from last June, and yet all these months later we still don’t know if the 11-foot gator has developed a taste for the sweet stuff.

Which, when you think about it, is the single most important detail in a story like this one.

FLORIDA MAN FLASHBACK: Beware… the… Methagator!

‘Tis the Season?

Police are searching for a South Florida woman after surveillance video captured her stealing a Christmas wreath and pointing a gun at a Hollywood homeowner. https://t.co/B26BOBBsdg

— WSVN 7 News (@wsvn) December 7, 2019

Next time maybe she just ought to try shopping at Goodwill. I understand they have some surprisingly good deals.

Florida Man Doesn’t Know Art, But He Knows What He Likes

Lamborghini spotted by my brother-in-law in Miami. pic.twitter.com/IOgHh5U5oJ

— Alexander Nazaryan (@alexnazaryan) December 7, 2019

If you’re wondering whether that paint job is going to impact the resale value of Florida Man’s Lamborghini, ask yourself two things:

• Could it actually increase the car’s resale value?

• Does Florida Man give a damn?

We all know the answer to the second question.

Halloween Has Never Been So Frightening

Florida Woman "Flashes" Schoolchildren, Could Cost Her $44,000 Per Year – https://t.co/qCOFqfsT78 pic.twitter.com/WdrgDhTS8E

— The Only Florida Man (@ImFloridaMan) December 10, 2019

Maybe you’ve seen them, the bodysuits that look like bare skin, including… ah… details. Maybe you even think they’re kind of clever or amusing. But would you wear one to an elementary school’s Halloween party? Especially if you were an administrator there?

Florida Woman would!

Oh, Come ON

90-year-old Florida man arrested for second time in a week after feeding the homeless again https://t.co/oESnGCgVRz

— nik baret (@nikbaret) December 9, 2019

Stories like this one would get Joe Stalin reading Ayn Rand.

Florida Man News Update

(Mugshot courtesy of local authorities.)

Florida man charged for sexually assaulting stuffed Olaf from ‘Frozen’ toy.

You might remember the strange case of Florida Man Cody Christopher Meader, age 20, of St. Petersburg. He was arrested at a local Target in October for sexually molesting an Olaf stuffed animal. After finishing his business with Olaf, Meader then moved on to a stuffed unicorn, which is when police arrived. Target apparently has a one-molested-doll per customer limit, which doesn’t seem unreasonable.

Today we learn the Florida Man has indeed been charged with criminal mischief. remains free on a $150 bond, and is scheduled for arraignment in January. Meader doesn’t seem to be a threat to anyone in the community, and local officials urge everyone to just let it go.

I Can Vouch for This One

In Miami we have a guy that rides on the highway on a bicycle backwards while naked. It's the most "Florida Man" thing I've ever seen https://t.co/S3OoEFZ4Qw pic.twitter.com/Mh20lZOd73

— Skebras 🐺 (@Skebras) December 7, 2019

True story.

My little town of Monument, Colo., is too small to have “that guy we all know about,” but we sure did where I used to live in the Central West End of St. Louis.

About 20 years ago, “that guy” could be seen up and down Euclid Blvd, Laclede Ave, or West Pine — not far from the Barnes-Jewish Hospital complex. He was a tall, well-built black man who would don a tiny little cheerleader outfit and a rainbow wig, grab his baton, and lead a one-man parade to the sound of a marching band only he could hear.

Sometimes I wonder whatever happened to that guy, but these days I figure he probably ended up in Florida.

Previously on Florida Man Friday: The ‘Death Race 2000’ Edition

What Has Been Seen Cannot Be Unseen

This ‘buck naked’ Florida man was one of 124 people arrested during Operation Santa’s Naughty List, which targeted prostitutes, child predators and johns during a six-day period. https://t.co/e7UPOLUx3v

— News 6 WKMG (@news6wkmg) December 11, 2019

Never, ever, ever invite Florida Man to one of those come-as-you-are parties.

News Brief: Only in Florida

• Florida Man Arrested After Punching Walmart Customer for ‘Taking Too Long’ at Checkout. (Is it wrong that I’m kinda on Florida Man’s side on this one?)

• Florida woman charged with using Christmas tree to attack boyfriend.

• Florida man accused of shoving girlfriend to the ground during fight about impeachment.

• Florida woman forced to change ‘Hail Satan’ shirt on American Airlines flight.

And now, back to our regularly scheduled news…

Performance Art, Florida-Style

(Mugshots courtesy of local authorities.)

Florida Man and Woman put on live XXX show on public street.

You know what to do when you see that on the street: Just move right along…

Don’t Feed the Wild Animals

https://twitter.com/backt0nature/status/1203104584530460673

Actually, this guy can go ahead and do that.

The Best-Laid Plans of Mice and Florida Woman…

(Mugshot courtesy of local authorities.)

‘I’m not getting arrested’ woman chased by deputies tells 911 operator.

Spoiler: She got arrested.

Oh, the Humanity!

Bus full of schoolkids evacuated over too much Axe body spray in Florida https://t.co/pXcaiidkp5 pic.twitter.com/Js5e625b2a

— Orlando Sentinel (@orlandosentinel) December 10, 2019

If you’re one of those people who, like me, believes in making the punishment fit the crime, then I’d love to hear your suggestion for this one.

Florida Man Doesn’t Know Art, But He Knows What He Likes: Part II

Florida Man eats $120,000 banana taped to wall at art exhibition https://t.co/SIGHAxUf3K pic.twitter.com/dpjoSSYP4A

— Florida Man (@FloridaMan__) December 8, 2019

This whole thing had to be an elaborate prank, right?

Tis the Season for Viral Videos

Here’s what happened when blogger and author Mary Katherine Backstrom tried to share a little Christmas spirit:

At Wawa, the gas station and convenience store, Backstrom was in the mood to give back, so she offered to pay for the next person in line’s ginger ale.

The woman was appreciative and it was a “precious moment,” Backstrom said in the video. When she left the store, she said she was “still in this mindset that the holidays are so magical.”

That’s when she thought she saw a man washing her car’s windshield. Naturally, she approached him. “‘This is my favorite part of humanity! I love Christmas so much, thank you for doing this,’” Backstrom recalls saying to the kind stranger. “And I gave him a hug.”

The only issue? It wasn’t her car. He was just washing his own car, parked right in front of his.

I can’t embed the video because she posted it to Facebook, but I can share with you a classicly British story with a similar twist. Here’s the late, great Douglas Adams telling the Greatest Other Story Ever Told.