Florida has survived countless hurricanes, waves deadly insects bigger than a beverage cart, an iguana invasion, and an endless parade of Yankees looking to escape the cold but who it turns out can’t take the heat and go a little crazy and then their antics are revealed to all by Florida’s best-in-the-nation sunshine law and…
I need to breathe, sorry. It’s just that it’s been such a big week in the Sunshine State that I can’t wait to begin another thrilling…
Florida Man Friday!
We’ll begin as we always do with…
The Most Florida Man Story Ever (This Week)
(Mugshot courtesy of Volusia County Branch Jail.)
Florida Man on Probation Burglarizes Probation Office.
The word you’re looking for is “chutzpah.”
The details:
Latravia McGill, 37, was arrested about 1:50 a.m. Monday morning and accused of breaking into the probation office at 665 Beville Road. He was being held without bail at the Volusia County Branch Jail.
McGill was already on probation until April 23, 2021, for burglary of an unoccupied structure or conveyance.
McGill was charged with burglary of a structure, causing more than $1,000 in damage, possession of burglary tools, petty theft and resisting an officer without violence.
Left out of the report is the answer to this vital question: What’s there to steal in a probation office worth risking your probation? A surprisingly full petty cash drawer? One of those industrial-grade Keurig machines? The Windsor Crown Jewels? Inquiring minds want to know.
That Is No Way to Cure Frustration
Florida woman bit boyfriend's penis 'out of frustration:' cops https://t.co/ouktpjpA9Y pic.twitter.com/n4mOBSBRIB
— New York Post (@nypost) November 15, 2019
Absolutely none of the details will shock you:
A Florida woman allegedly bit her boyfriend’s penis and threatened him with a knife after she accused him of wanting to have sex with another woman, a report said.
The alleged assault happened during an hours-long drinking session in Miami Beach.
Let’s hope these two crazy lovebirds make it work.
Devoted in His Own Way
Florida man told cops he was speeding home because he was cheating on wife https://t.co/wawaxIwwvR pic.twitter.com/gE1FJCx4fH
— New York Post (@nypost) November 13, 2019
Jon Earl Pickard was doing 90 in a 55 trying to get home in time to keep his wife from suspecting anything, and police found $50 of crack in his pocket. So not only was Florida Man concerned about his wife’s feelings, but he also bought her something nice while he was out.
I’ll Tumble 4 Ya
Female Burglar Not Doing it Right… Takes Painful Tumble.
Don’t do the crime if you can’t… what, stick the landing?
Everything Seemingly Is Spinning Out of Control
Florida Man taken down by karate chop after repeatedly trying to touch 'Floribama Shore' cast member says he was 'just kidding' https://t.co/LBpeusbzBU pic.twitter.com/pmED6onqd7
— Florida Man (@FloridaMan__) November 13, 2019
In related news, Colorado Man he admits he has no idea what anything in that headline means.
News Brief: Only in Florida
• Florida man accused of pretending to be a dentist.
• Florida woman discovers more than 100,000 bees living in her yard. (For the record, these were real bees, and not the kind of bees you see after doing all that flakka.)
• Florida man makes himself a snack while robbing Taco Bell.
• Florida woman locks herself in Walgreens, heats up food.
And now, back to our regularly scheduled news.
Another Saturday Night and I Ain’t Got Nobody…
(Surveillance video still courtesy of WPMI.)
Florida man breaks into restaurant, strips naked, eats noodles, plays bongos.
Don’t judge. He brought the noodles with him, didn’t steal anything, and so the restaurant owner declined to press charges. Don’t you love a story about a hungry naked bongo player with a happy ending?
No Office Workers Were Seriously Harmed in the Making of This Video
Imagine siting at your desk when a dump truck comes crashing through the wall behind you! This happened to a South Florida woman who ironically works for an insurance company, thankfully she is expected to be okay. pic.twitter.com/aV5ILVoQGL
— FOX29WFLX (@FOX29WFLX) November 9, 2019
This is exactly why I work from home.
Florida Woman Looks to Boyfriend for Warmth
What Made a Woman Set Her Boyfriend’s Home on Fire?
If your guess involved the word “cheating,” you win!
High-Speed Medium-Speed Low-Speed Chase Story of the Week
(Photo courtesy of paulbr75 on Pixabay.)
Florida woman accused of stealing golf cart, taking it for joyride on I-95.
Then: “She was reportedly taken to the hospital to be evaluated.”
That seems wise.
Meanwhile, in Indiana…
Three Indiana judges have been suspended for "behaving in an injudicious manner" after a failed attempt to visit a strip club led to a drunken brawl outside an Indianapolis White Castle that ended with two of the judges being shot.https://t.co/TueOOlDATL
— NPR (@NPR) November 14, 2019
I absolutely cannot get enough of this story.
This actually happened back in May, but it took until the middle of November for the Indiana Supreme Court to suspend all three judges (presumably recovered from their wounds) for hijinks which “discredited the entire Indiana judiciary.”
Maybe they can find new judicial appointments in Florida, because if any judges ever could figure out the absolute best ways to make the punishment fit the Florida crime, it would have to be these three.
Stay tuned, and perhaps we’ll find out on the next exciting…
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