You may never have seen a Florida Man Friday quite like this one.
As regular readers know, I keep a set of browser tabs open at all times, just for collecting Florida Man and Woman stories, then collect the best of the bunch and present them in a totally non-judgmental way. This week, the browser tabs are so full that I had to split them up into three browser windows just to have a chance at trying to get them organized into something slightly more coherent than a naked Florida Man dancing down I-4, eating bath salts and carrying a drunk alligator.
I have tried. I may have failed.
In any case, this week’s adventures include a bikini-clad vape thief, insane tractor violence, and what not to do with your extra bees.
So slip out of your work shoes and into a pair of beat-up flip-flops and join me on another disjointed…
Florida Man Friday!
We begin as always with…
The Most Florida Man Story Ever (This Week)
I try not to judge. I really do. But what else are you supposed to do with a story like this one? Besides, I don’t think Olaf is into that.
Read, if you dare:
Cody Christopher Meader, 20, of St. Petersburg was taken Tuesday to Pinellas County Jail and faces a criminal mischief charge, according to the Pinellas County Sheriff’s Office.
Meader entered the Target located off 7150 U.S. Highway 19 in Pinellas Park at 2 p.m. Tuesday and walked to the toy aisle, records show.
He then grabbed a stuffed “Olaf” doll and proceeded to “dry hump” it before ejaculating on it, said Pinellas Park Police Officer Shaun Grantham.
The sentient snowman who “likes warm hugs” is a popular character in Disney’s smash hit “Frozen,” which is set to have a sequel premiere Nov. 22 – also featuring Olaf.
When Meader finished with the Olaf doll, he put it back on the shelf, and then walked to a large stuffed unicorn doll, laid it on the floor and dry humped it as well, Grantham said.
PPPD officers arrived and arrested Meader in the store.
Meader admitted to doing “stupid stuff,” but mostly I just want to see the results of the tox screen. You think maybe there’s a chemical not in his bloodstream?
How About Some Eye Bleach for That Last Story?
— Florida Man (@FloridaMan__) October 23, 2019
Isn’t that lovely?
Don’t Do the Crime If You Aren’t Serving Prime
Next time, try seasoning them with salt & pepper, then breading them with potato flakes, then frying them in your oldest cast iron pan. There will be no more fights, I promise.
Not All Heroes Wear Capes
— Manfred Rosenberg (@4PawShop) October 25, 2019
Can you imagine being trapped like that at any age?
News Brief: Only in Florida
• Drunken Florida man on Segway charged with DUI, drank nearly 2 bottles of wine, deputies say. (So that’s what it takes to ride a Segway.)
Florida: The Really Wild Kingdom
— Orlando Sentinel (@orlandosentinel) October 19, 2019
Social Media Makes People Stupid, Exhibit #1,000,006
Some weeks it’s like Florida Woman isn’t even trying to not get caught.
And I Would Have Gotten Away with It, If It Hadn’t Been for… Me
Florida man turns himself in after allegedly robbing 3 banks in 3 hours. pic.twitter.com/aYy8TMqHdd
— RAP TV 📺 (@netrapsforever) October 22, 2019
Points for honesty, Florida Man!
Security Theater of the Absurd
A Florida woman boarded a Delta flight without identification or a boarding pass, claiming to use cellphone photos of herself to get through security. Airport officials said it was not a security breach since she was "screened." | https://t.co/mQgjSYFQ3y pic.twitter.com/1GEXNBgq9M
— WCCO – CBS Minnesota (@WCCO) October 24, 2019
The details may astound you:
She told WKMG she purchased a ticket at the automated kiosk near the Delta check-in counter at Orlando International Airport, but declined to produce evidence of the purchased ticket. A Delta representative told the station tickets cannot be purchased from automated kiosks.
Rictor said she then used cellphone pictures of herself to get through airport security and Delta staff and on the Atlanta-bound plane.
When another passenger complained she had taken her seat, Richter told airline staff that she had thrown out her boarding pass.
Florida Woman forced a three-hour delay and the other passengers had to de-board and then endure an “an intense re-screening.” I think we know who really needed an intense screening.
What Happens When California Woman Visits Florida?
She mutates into Florida Woman, of course.
“I’d walk a mile for a Camel, or do some really weird stuff for a vape.”
You’ll Need a Flowchart Just to Follow the Headline
Florida man on a tractor gets in a fight with another Florida man on a tractor, rams his tractor into the other guy's tractor, drops a 10-foot log on him, beats him up and gets arrested. https://t.co/QvhpIqmsEa pic.twitter.com/071gFnLgcf
— Florida Man (@FloridaMan__) October 18, 2019
I’ve never been so confused, not even last night when my nine-year-old tried to explain where all those candy wrappers came from.
To Build a Fire, Florida Edition
When I take my kids camping, I always remind them never to bring food or drink inside the tent. Next summer I’m going to remind them not to bring the campfire in there, either.
Cool, So Long As He Finished Before It Turned Green
Florida man fills his Dodge Charger in rain at red light pic.twitter.com/gQxUeRANZw
— Chillanthropist 🧶 (@bAlliecakes) October 19, 2019
What, it’s not like you get great mileage out of a Charger.
Florida Man in Memes
Courtesy of Ed Lambert, and just because it cracked me up.
Meanwhile, in Louisiana…
A few details:
The Monroe News Star reports the Ouachita Parish Sherriff’s Office responded to a call Sunday that 27-year-old Jonathan Porter was intoxicated and creating a public disturbance. Deputies wrote in arrest warrants that Porter told them the cartoon character SpongeBob SquarePants had stolen his paperwork and that “God has battleships but hasn’t sent them yet.”
Of course He does. We’ll know the End Times are nigh when we see the Four Battleships of the Apocalypse.
And commanding those battleships? You just know it has to be Florida Man, but we might not find out before the next exciting…