Florida Man Friday: Crossdresser Robs Bank, Steals Cop Car

Has another week of heavy news and vitriolic politics left you exhausted? Then here comes Florida Man to the rescue, with his inexhaustible energy for low-rent hijinks.

So ignore that Facebook newsfeed, close those Drudge and HuffPo browser tabs, mix yourself a margarita, and join me -- won't you -- on another thrilling...

Florida Man Friday!

Let us begin, as we always do with...

The Most Florida Man Story Ever (This Week)

I try not to get too judgey on Florida Man Friday, but seriously, who does that?

Oh, right -- Florida Man does that.

And Florida Woman Does THIS

Mug shot thanks to local authorities.

Florida woman hides in store ceiling for six hours to evade arrest after shoplifting.

Fake ceiling, real desperation.

I Honestly Don't Understand How Anything He Did Was Wrong

Screencap courtesy of CBSMiami.com.

Miami Beach Officer Relieved Of Duty, Investigated For Fake Arrest Of Lingerie-Clad Woman.

He was off duty, and clearly not... what was I saying?

He Robs Mailboxes Because That's Where the Money Is

If you're anything like me, you're eagerly awaiting the day that Florida Man discovers bitcoin, and then somehow ends up buying Venezuela in a digital meth deal gone wrong.

Meth: Not Even Once

And I think we've seen enough of that, so moving right along...

The Biking Dead

Zombie (Image via Pixabay)

Rolling zombies getting set to invade Key West.

Details:

Don’t be surprised if you’re visiting Key West later this month and you stumble upon thousands of zombies roaming the island’s historic streets like a tropical scene straight out of AMC’s “The Walking Dead” series.

They’ll be in town Oct. 20 for the city’s annual quirky “Zombie Bike Ride,’’ which draws more than 6,000 visitors dressed as the living dead.

Men, women and children (and probably some pets) don scary white paint and zombie wear as they pedal around the island city in this pre-Halloween event. Expect zombie clowns, brides and skeletal-looking minions scaring folks along a 4-mile route.

If you've ever spent any time in Key West, this is pretty much the least-weird thing you'll ever see there.

(Yes, I've used this punchline before about Key West, and I'll probably use it as the punchline for every Key West story. Because I know -- and love -- Key West.)

Florida Man -- Woman? -- Crime Spree

Florida Man Disguised As Woman Robs Bank, Steals Patrol Car.

I bet before this time next year, I could do a Best of Florida Man column consisting of nothing but stories where Florida Man or Woman ends up stealing a cop car.

Wherever You Are, It's About to Get Very Dusty There

Click on over for the story, and if you need to you can tell everybody that some stupid blogger figured out how to transmit onion fumes through the internet tubes.

I'll Give You Two Guesses, But You'll Only Need One

("Meth Pipe" by kentkb, CC BY-NC-SA 2.0)

Guess what Vero Beach woman kept in her keister?

Because of course it was a crack pipe.

News Brief: Only in Florida

Record-breaking python caught in South Florida.

Palm City man accused of enticing alligator to bite him, pouring beer in its mouth. (Wait, is that wrong?)

Raccoon takes wild ride on Wonder Bread truck for 16 miles in Florida.

You Can't Touch This

Once again, we're just going to move right along...

...And We Moved Right Along into THIS?

(Mugshot courtesy of Mugshots.com)

Florida Man Smokes Meth, Snorts Coke, Takes Xanax, Passes Out, Wakes Up And Masturbates In Hospital, Cops Say.

Best part? He's a middle-school science teacher.

By "best" I mean "worst." Because Florida, man.

She Was Just Holding Them for a Friend

If you think that's scary, wait until you see what I have for you next.

Can You Hear Me Now?

Mugshot courtesy of Marion County Sheriff's Department.

Mugshot of Florida felon goes viral over his very distinctive look.

Distinctive, yeah, that's a word.

Meanwhile, in New Jersey...

Mugshot courtesy of local authorities.

New Jersey man allegedly threatened farmers who denied him sex with animals.

Florida Man, you've got one week to knock New Jersey Man off your throne of shame. And I'm sure you will, in plenty of time for the next...

Florida Man Friday!