Not even experts armed with research grants and crack pipe decoys can agree if Florida Man is actually any crazier than, say, Texas Man, Oregon Man, or even (more on this later) Russian Man. But what we can say for sure is that thanks to Florida’s aptly-named sunshine law, we know far more about Florida Man than we do about other men. So if a little knowledge is a dangerous thing, then surely this much knowledge must verge on deadly — like catching ebola crossed with a flesh-eating bacteria while bungee jumping over shark-infested waters without the bungee cord after eating the brown bath salts.
But we fear no danger, provided we can follow Florida Man from behind the safety of our computer monitors. So please join me on another thrilling…
Florida Man Friday!
Let us begin, as we always do, with…
The Most Florida Man Story Ever (This Week)
Shirtless Florida man removes 9-foot alligator from swimming poolhttps://t.co/0y22YTvyvZ
— Orlando Weekly (@OrlandoWeekly) October 17, 2019
No animals were harmed in the making of this story, although one Alligator mississippiensis did suffer acute embarrassment.
D-I-V-O-R-C-E–O-R–E-L-S-E
Image by luxstorm from Pixabay
Florida woman forces husband to sign divorce papers at gunpoint.
Well:
45-year-old Pensacola resident Millanie Sherbrook was charged with aggravated assault with a deadly weapon without the intent to kill, according to the report.
According to WKRG, Sherbrook and her husband were arguing about divorce when he refused to sign the papers, saying he would rather handle the matter in court.
Deputies say that’s when Sherbrook grabbed a Smith and Wesson .38-caliber handgun, pointed it at her husband and told him to sign the divorce papers.
The man gave into Sherbrook’s demands and signed the divorce papers, but according to WKRG, Sherbrook continued to follow the man with the gun, so he had to call law enforcement.
According to the report, the man told deputies he feared his wife because “she is a good shooter.”
Two lessons here, one for each of them. First, know how to win graciously and put the gun down. Two, don’t mess with Florida Woman.
SIR, THIS IS A POLICE DEPARTMENT: Florida man called the sheriff’s office to report stolen marijuana. The deputy’s response: ‘Stop calling.’
Florida Man: The Musical
I don’ know who Ben Katzman is, but he sounds like the anti-Jimmy Buffett, and I mean that in the best possible way. He has this sort of post-punk/metal thing going on, with a Florida Man twist.
Best played at maximum volume.
Or Maybe This Is the Most Florida Man Story Ever: You Make the Call!
Naked Florida man sneaks onto boat to steal American flag pic.twitter.com/nkr9tEFeaT
— The Independent (@Independent) October 18, 2019
If you ever wondered how they say “Murica!” down in Florida, now you know.
Six-Drink Minimum
Volusia County Sheriff’s Department
Florida Woman Rips Off Old Man She Met At Strip Club While Dancing.
In all fairness, maybe he was the dancer.
Not All Heroes Wear Capes
When a man found out over 400 kids in the Jupiter, FL area did not have access to a proper lunch, he paid off all their school lunch debts: https://t.co/R9sjP9W0uQ
— WLUK-TV FOX 11 (@fox11news) October 15, 2019
Florida Man, we salute you.
Feuds: You’re Settling Them Wrong
Mugshot courtesy of local authorities.
Florida man drives into neighbor’s house to settle longstanding feud, deputies say.
If anyone every drives their car, on purpose or on accident, into your living room, please keep your cool and say, “Would you like fries with that?”
I’d Always Heard That Watching That Stuff Would Hurt You
Pasco County Sheriff’s Office
Elderly Florida woman accused of hitting boyfriend with metal detector for watching porn.
A few details, none too sordid:
He told them that Jane Galitello, his 77-year-old girlfriend, attacked him, and he claimed it wasn’t the first time.
According to an arrest report reviewed by the Miami Herald, the couple had gotten into an argument Friday night after Galitello said she caught him watching porn.
Deputies said the man claimed he was only watching a show on Cinemax that just happened to feature a topless woman.
There are shows on Cinemax without topless women?
Kill It, Kill It with Fire
DON'T TOUCH THEM! These puss caterpillars are back, even in Florida. They may look fluffy and fuzzy, but its fur is covered in venom. A Florida woman who was stung said the pain "felt like someone was drilling into my bones." WHAT YOU NEED TO KNOW: https://t.co/fe4oNDaXEm
— FOX 35 Orlando (@fox35orlando) October 18, 2019
I’m not going to sleep again until we launch an Apollo-scale moonshot-type program to drive these things extinct.
Who’s with me?
Easy Money
Florida Woman Duo Spike Gambler’s Drink & Rob Him Of His Rolex & Cash! via /r/FloridaMan https://t.co/lo447dRN1b
— floridamann (@floridamann11) October 18, 2019
(Classical reference in the headline, as my friend and colleague Ed Driscoll would say.)
News Brief: Only in Florida
• Drunk Florida Woman arrested for letting her 12 year old kid drive her home.
• A homeless Marathon man was arrested for biting a deputy who found him lying near the roadway.
• Florida Man Accused of Shooting Lady with Squirt Gun Filled with His Pee.
Everybody Needs a Hobby
Mugshot courtesy of The Smoking Gun
Florida man arrested for launching filled diapers from catapult at moving cars.
Before asking yourself, “Who does that?” just remember that it’s Florida Man who does that.
Now That’s What I Call a Clean Getaway
Naked Florida Man Wreaked Havoc on Business, Then Showered.
Snopes says this story checks out, but I believe it happened anyway.
Meanwhile, in Russia…
The Russians are a different breed pic.twitter.com/Itg1LT3ehL
— ِ (@Joeseus) October 15, 2019
This video can mean only one thing: Florida Man has exactly one week left to reclaim his Throne of Shame, just in time for the next exciting…
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