In an ancient tradition dating all the way back to earlier this year, each week I collect the craziest stories from America’s funnest state, a place where the palmetto bugs roam and the iguanas play… where the weather tries to kill you even on a nice day… but most importantly, the state with a sunshine law so revealing that every crazy little crime becomes a headline news item.
So join me, won’t you, on another…
Florida Man Friday!
Shall we begin?
Most Florida Man Story Ever (This Week)
That pair of mugshots at the top of the page? Well…
You might not believe it based on the mugshots, but these two have been to prison before.
Ex-cons Aaron Thomas, 31, and Megan Mondanaro, 35, were initially stopped by a deputy after they were spotted riding bikes with no lights and almost being hit by a car in Nassau County, Florida, the Miami Herald reported.
When the deputy with the Nassau County Sheriff’s Office pulled the pair over, he noticed that they reeked of booze and had bloodshot eyes.
Thomas and Mondanaro were placed in the backseat of a patrol car — and that’s when things got hot and heavy.
I’d like to thank everybody who sent a link to this story, and I do mean everybody. My inbox has never been so full, because you people are awesome.
A Worthy Cause
A Florida woman is teaming up with a local advertising company in hopes of finding a kidney.https://t.co/Hp9C0tvkj7
— CBS 6 Albany – WRGB (@CBS6Albany) September 14, 2019
Corinne Ghelber, 66, has a rare disease with no cure and needs a new kidney. The toll-free number is 1-833-ADSKINZ.
Florida Woman has given us so much entertainment over the years, maybe someone will give something back.
Having Driven in Tampa, This Doesn’t Surprise Me One Bit: 2 Tampa Bay intersections on list of top most-run red lights in the country.
Crime of the Century of the Week
It’s pretty much impossible to hire good security in Florida, isn’t it?
Florida Iguana Madness Returns!
Previously on FMF:
• Florida officials urge residents to kill iguanas
• Pellet-gun toting iguana-hunter accidentally shoots pool boy
• PETA urges: If you’re killing iguanas, do it in the “kindest manner possible.”
• South Florida hot tub becomes ‘Porta-Potty’ for iguanas
• Judge Cicconetti orders Florida man who threw iguana not to go ‘around bragging’ about what he did
So you know this week’s iguana story is going to be bad, don’t you? It’s worse than bad. Florida’s invading iguanas have breached the border, and have already been spotted as far north as New York City.
As a guy from Florida, seeing a man count money with his iguana makes me feel at home pic.twitter.com/RxppPPLe2I
— Randall Otis (@RandallOtisTV) September 15, 2019
We were warned, but we did not listen. Soon, we will all be poolboy-shooting iguana hunters.
To which I say: Put the margaritas in to-go cups, because we’re going hunting.
And Who Are We to Argue with Florida Man?
I’m hoping the judge finds some creative way to make the punishment fit the crime. I’ll report back to you if he does.
Let’s Get This Clear: You’re the Walrus, He’s the Goatman
— KARK 4 News (@KARK4News) September 20, 2019
There aren’t that many inspirational stories involving this many goats, but Florida Man is beholden to no traditions or expectations.
Posting this one only because I saw The Revivalists play in Denver a couple years ago, and they were quite good. Worth checking out if you’ll be in the area then.
We’re All Florida Man Now
I see the US continues to be the worlds “Florida man”… https://t.co/eeMLVwy5gN
— Princessa Natasha Strange (@NatashaStrange) September 20, 2019
I think she’s onto something. Is it time for the rest of the country to up our game? Well, as I write this, the Area 51 Raid is actually taking place — and that counts for something, yes?
Crime of the Century of the Week II
No one was injured other than the cow, presumably.
Is It Just Me, Or Does He Look Like a Low-Rent Jeffrey Epstein?
— WFTV Channel 9 (@WFTV) September 20, 2019
To be fair to Florida Man, not everyone can afford $3.99 a minute.
News Brief: Only in Florida
• Florida man discovers the person who hit his car and totaled it and drove away is the security guard who was patrolling his neighborhood to keep it safe — and the guy’s boss wants to keep the insurance company out of it. (Got all that? There will be a quiz at the end of the column.)
Regarding that last item, ’80s teen comedy “Porky’s” (with the infamous shower scene) was set in Florida. Florida Man doesn’t know art, but he knows what he likes.
I’d Buy That for a Dollar
Like any good entrepreneur, Mikayla Saravia has leveraged her tongue into a larger brand proposition https://t.co/mcgRCoL1D8
— New York Magazine (@NYMag) September 19, 2019
I got nothin’.
Meanwhile, in Montana…
VIRAL: A grandmother in Montana is now an honorary state trooper. She wants cars in her neighborhood to slow down, so she took matters into her own hands with a hair dryer. https://t.co/BwUi26hwfe
— KCBD NewsChannel11 (@KCBD11) September 14, 2019
By this time next week, we can only hope that Florida Man has been named an honorary air traffic controller after using his homemade flamethrower to guide airplanes to the runway at night during a power outage.
Which might be the least strange thing you read on the next exciting…
Florida Man Friday!