My new collection of Florida browser tabs has grown wider than Lake Okeechobee, and that can mean only one thing: It’s time for another Florida Man Friday!
So join me now for another week’s worth of chills, spills, and non-judgmental thrills.
Most Florida Man Story Ever (This Week)
Patrons scatter as Florida man drives golf cart into Walmart.
Just a friendly tip for Michael Dale Hudson, the alleged driver of the unofficial Death Race 2000 vehicle: Next time, make your getaway out of the Walmart, not into the Walmart.
I hope this helps, Mr. Hudson, and good luck with that next escape. If not, maybe someday we’ll see you again on another Florida Man Friday.
Speaking of Bad Getaways…
Lyft Driver Refuses to Be Getaway Car After Florida Woman Steals E-Cigarette.
I’m a strong supporter of vaping as harm reduction for folks who have trouble quitting smoking, but I never knew until this day that it was a gateway drug to really lame criminal activities.
Put that thing away. I’m just here for my Goldschläger and a bag of ice.
John Womack Flashes Penis To Woman Saying “Look At This”; Gets Caught On Video, Denies It, Then Gets Arrested
This is a detailed report, but still leaves us with two questions:
• Was Womack already drunk when he went to the liquor store?
• And if not, is this a pickup technique that has worked well for him in the past?
Inquiring minds want to know. Or perhaps not.
Only in Florida
🦀CRAB INVASION🦀 They're baaaaack! Hundreds of crabs were spotted creeping and crawling around a Florida neighborhood! 😳 STORY: https://t.co/IxQwa55y4h pic.twitter.com/3acvfa7a8W
— FOX 5 DC (@fox5dc) August 7, 2019
Where is one of those Death Race cars when you need one?
Florida Man Undresses in Front of Cop on Busy Street, Gets Dressed Again at Gunpoint
Florida Man never ceases to amaze me. pic.twitter.com/qQaAqo4MU2
— Turo ツ (@arturo_capo) August 7, 2019
Video or didn’t hap…
Florida Man Gets Political
Florida Man Asked Walmart Clerk About Gun To Kill People Was Dem Anti-Gun Activist.
Police found the man and decided he was not actually a threat, but just a virtue-signaling d-bag.
Florida News in Brief
Florida woman bites intruder who forced his way into home.
Man trashes Hollywood, FL convenience store after being denied alcohol.
Florida man pries open alligator’s jaws to rescue dog.
Police respond to call about an intoxicated boyfriend cooking chicken.
It just keeps getting weirder, doesn’t it?
What Would We Do Without Studies?
Study suggests alligators prefer to bite a Florida man.
The details, such as they are:
“Alligator bites Florida man” is not a surprising headline in the news, and now a study of alligator bites since 1971 in the state back up that trend, according to a report in the Tampa Bay Times.
The article looked at research published in Journal of Wildlife Management that was written by state biologists looking at more than 40 years of data.
One conclusion of the study was that alligators bit men more often than women, and that the bite victimes were residents and not tourists, the Times reported. Thus, alligators bite Florida men.
I’m going to go not-very-far-out-on-a-limb and guess that Florida Man was doing something to annoy the alligator.
And if you think it’s bad now, just wait until the dreaded methagators finally make their appearance.
Even More Iguana Madness
(Thank goodness for copy & paste, because the following paragraph gets longer every week.)
Five weeks ago I reported to you that Florida officials were urging residents to kill iguanas. Four weeks ago something akin to hilarity ensued when a pellet-gun toting iguana-hunter missed and accidentally shot a pool boy instead. Three weeks ago, PETA urged: If you’re killing iguanas, do it in the “kindest manner possible.” Two weeks ago we learned of the South Florida hot tub that became a ‘Porta-Potty’ for iguanas. Last week, “This isn’t the wild west,” as Florida authorities clarify state’s invasive iguana policy after public outcry.
And this week?
Judge Cicconetti orders man who threw iguana not to go ‘around bragging’ about what he did.
Let he who has not sinned cast the first… iguana… without going around bragging about it.
Sage Advice from Florida Woman
VIRAL: ‘No more pooping while it’s storming outside’ after a Florida woman says her toilet exploded from lightning
More: https://t.co/gMN94oZKeF pic.twitter.com/hHSHd278Rd
— ABC7 Sarasota (@mysuncoast) August 6, 2019
I hate it when that happens.
Meanwhile, in Washington State…
Venomous Octopus Bites Woman After She Put It On Her Face For A Photo https://t.co/Ud4Xn2fYPq pic.twitter.com/bwskCx1utY
— 105.9 KNRS (@1059KNRS) August 7, 2019
For the love of God, why would Washington Woman stick wildlife on her face?
A woman’s attempt to win a photo contest at a fishing derby near Tacoma, Washington painfully backfired. Jamie Bisceglia noticed a few fishermen had hooked an octopus and asked them if she could put it on her face while they took her photo.
“It was a photo contest in the derby. So, crazy me, hindsight now and looking back, I probably made a big mistake,” Bisceglia told KIRO 7.
As Bisceglia placed the octopus on her face, it grabbed her with its suckers. She expected this to happen and wasn’t worried as she posed for the photo. A few seconds later, the octopus got tired of being used as a prop and bit her chin.
You know what a story like this means, don’t you? Florida Man has just one week left to retake his crown, to up his game, to raise his standards, to hit the streets naked and drunk to walk his pet iguana…
…on the next Florida Man Friday!
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