If I’ve spent the last six days collecting stories of comical criminality, high-risk hijinks, and heartwarming tales of outrageous animal rescues, then it must be another…
…Florida Man Friday!
Before we get to The Strange Case of Florida Woman Teaching Florida Daughter How Not to Use Social Media, let us travel first to Crestview, Florida.
Criminal Mastermind, Florida-Style
Matthew Morrison, 44, of Crestview, Florida, was arrested Saturday after deputies responded to a home after the explosion woke the little girl.
The owner of the house where this happened told the Sheriff’s office that Morrison lives in a tent outside the house and came inside without permission, according to the Sheriff’s Office Facebook post. The homeowner told responding deputies he chased Morrison out of his house with a stick after the explosion.
I’d have grabbed more than a stick.
But let me ask just one question of Mr. Morrison: How would your prank have been different if it had gone right?
Meanwhile, in Jacksonville…
The MOM took video. 🤦🏼♀️
Florida woman arrested after daughter caught on cam licking tongue depressor – Story | FOX 13 Tampa Bay https://t.co/SxZbGy2z4m
— JustG 🤷🏼♀️ (@ReallyJustG) July 12, 2019
A sign above the tongue depressors read, “Please do not touch medical supplies!” while the video showing the girl licking the tongue depressor was captioned, “Don’t tell me how to live my life.”
Action News Jacksonville spoke to the woman who posted the video on Snapchat, Cori Ward, and when asked what was going through her mind when she took the video, she said,” I mean honestly, I wasn’t thinking.”
Most Florida Man Story Ever (This Week):
What were the odds?
No Iguanas Were Harmed in Making This News Item*
*But one pool boy was.
Last week we read that “Iguana population in Florida grows as temperatures stay high, residents urged to ‘kill’.” And I bet you were thinking, “What could possibly go wrong?”
Fortunately it was just a pellet gun, but let’s remember our range safety rules, even when hunting suburban iguanas.
Coincidentally, Suburban Iguanas was the name of my mid-’90s postpunk revival band.
Haute Cuisine, Gator Country
I have so many questions, where do i start? https://t.co/9gE7jjXFl8
— Bakugo (@1OGH_) July 12, 2019
Am I the only one who thinks that looks pretty tasty?
You can forgive somebody for stealing to feed their baby, but dressing up like Madea is a clear cry for help.
Romance Isn’t Dead, But It Can Be Risky
Jane Child is not aging well.
Florida Man is a Dog Person, and I Love Dog People
Here’s a great pair of headlines to get your weekend going:
And here’s the video. Good stuff from WFTS in Tampa Bay:
I’LL KEEP TAKING MY CHANCES ON SUNSHINE AND COCKTAILS: Woman’s blistering ‘margarita burns’ like ‘being cooked from the inside out.’
Apparently this is a real thing, so be careful out there.
And Now the Rest of the Story…
— Miami Herald (@MiamiHerald) July 10, 2019
Forget it. You don’t want to know the rest.
Meanwhile, in Oklahoma
Authorities were puzzled by what anyone would do with uranium, a rattlesnake, and Kentucky Deluxe, but David “Iowahawk” Burge knows.
Are you thinking what I’m thinking? Florida Man has exactly one week to retake his crown from Oklahoma Man.
Until then… stay tuned for another thrill-a-minute Florida Man Friday.