Giant Boob Found in Nebraska Police Station

The Independent reports that a severed penis was found at a car wash in Hastings, Nebraska.

First of all, when you say you’ve found a penis, then the word “severed” becomes redundant. They do not just fall off. No, not even after a weekend like the VodkaFiancée and I had a couple weeks ago.

Second, the story says, “According to a press release from the Hastings police, there is no evidence to support that the body part was severed at the location where it was found.” What kind of evidence would that be? A man holding his bloody crotch, running in circles, shouting, “Where’s my penis? I had it a second ago! Right here at the car wash where it just fell off!”?

Third. Apparently sick of the word “penis,” the story mostly uses the euphemism “body part.” But you can be damn sure they put PENIS in big letters right up top in the headline.

Fourth. The police are looking into the matter as possible evidence of a homicide. OK, Chief — first, check the morgue for penisless bodies. Correction: MALE bodies sans dick. Then ask at the hospital for men admitted for penis re-attachment surgery, only they didn’t have the penis with them at the time. Failing that, look for men walking really funny.

Fifth. The next line is classic: “[The police captain] said, to his recollection, this is the first time a severed penis has been found in Hastings.” To his recollection. You read that right. They might have found other severed, cut-off, non-attached penises (penii?) in Hastings, but he’d have to check his files before committing to that 100%. And the paper reports that without challenge, and with a straight face.

Tell me again why traditional media are losing readers and watchers? I can’t seem to recall.