The Morning Briefing: So... What Caliber Rosary Are You Packing?

Top O’ the Briefing

Happy Tuesday, dear Kruiser Morning Briefing friends. Clark knew the risks of a return to competitive apple-bobbing but, darn it, his cul-de-sac needed him.

When you’ve been writing about leftist media lunacy for as long as I have, it’s rather difficult to be surprised by any level of bat-you-know-what-crazy that they put in the universe.

Well, when I first began perusing the news yesterday there was a lot of buzz about an article published in The Atlantic that was so ridiculous I thought that I was being punked. Thankfully, Robert took a deep dive on it so that I could be spared from banging my Roman Catholic head against the wall:

The Atlantic’s Daniel Panneton starts off with a howler, and he’s just getting warmed up: “Just as the AR-15 rifle has become a sacred object for Christian nationalists in general,” he says, linking to a similarly febrile piece about Americans who have the temerity to value the Second Amendment, “the rosary has acquired a militaristic meaning for radical-traditional (or ‘rad trad’) Catholics.” Panneton claims that “on this extremist fringe, rosary beads have been woven into a conspiratorial politics and absolutist gun culture. These armed radical traditionalists have taken up a spiritual notion that the rosary can be a weapon in the fight against evil and turned it into something dangerously literal.”

Panneton descends into madness from there, seeing militias filled with bogeymen behind every Hail Mary. It is truly spectacular in its awfulness. The Atlantic was getting so embarrassed that they kept changing the headline on the article throughout the day.

Full disclosure: I have two rosaries on my desk, and they just happen to be on a shelf with some knives and a handgun. That was purely a coincidence, but thanks to the paste-eater at The Atlantic, I might start playing it up and give his tiny mind another Roman Catholic prayer warrior to be afraid of because he’s an emotionally weak blithering idiot.

Looking forward to reading Panneton’s follow-up article: “Are Knights of Columbus Fish Fry Dinners Really Fronts for Terrorist Activity?”

The Mailbag of Magnificence

Let’s have a quick Tuesday trip to the Mailbox before we’re reduced to sending smoke signals from gulags.

We’ll kick things off with Krysta:

Hi Mr. Kruiser!

I absolutely love the Top O’ the Briefing greetings. It’s such a pleasure to see what randomly assembled words you’ll make funny. Today’s, though, made me feel like family. My Polish or Ukranian if deathbed confessions are to be believed grandmother – we called her Mily, short for her first name Lubomira – made a mean SPAM soup. She’d start with a lovely light roux, add some chicken broth, onion, and SPAM, and work her magic.

Aren’t YOU a 1%er? I’m half-Polish and we were not being treated to any SPAMmy delights. I wonder if that is why I turned out the way I did. I hope it was a happy memory, and maybe we should start sharing recipes here too.

Jim writes:

Good evening, Kruiser.

I check out TMB at about 5:30 AM Pacific time (I’m in San Diego) and I consider just how early you in Tucson must be up to prepare things. Must raise hell with your drinking schedule.

As for that word “closet”….

I have long thought that the makers of the game of Clue should tweak the game to add more variety to the solutions, such as:

Who? Colonel Mustard

Where? In the closet.

How? With the weed whacker.

Wait, I always thought Colonel Mustard was in the closet. As for my drinking schedule, do something you love and you’ll never work a day in your life. Now that I have a bar cart next to my desk, every day is hashtagsoblessed.

We’ll finish up with this note from Veronica:

Stephen –

All of your words in the Morning Briefing are gems, but this one made me do a spit-take with my coffee:

Jim, I saw Virginal Pangolin open for Tool in ’18

OMGosh, I giggled so hard that I shook bolts off my chair. My eyes were streaming tears until someone asked me what I was crying about.

Thank you for the regular morning giggles – but this one was a doozy!

Thank you! What a night that was. Virgin Pangolin was a last-minute substitute for Leaping Chlamydia, whose lead singer had been injured earlier in the day in a tragic Porta Potty mishap.

Don’t forget, I have abandonment issues so keep those emails coming to [email protected] and save me a fortune in therapy.

Everything Isn’t Awful

When your cat crashes his bicycle in his dream.. 😂 pic.twitter.com/X3THo8TGL1

— Buitengebieden (@buitengebieden) August 15, 2022

Reduct This

How to Signal It’s Time for Sex by Blowing the Ricola Horn: https://t.co/zhOOOlT0IQ pic.twitter.com/ZUyNTviEwZ

— Reductress (@Reductress) August 15, 2022