Look, it’s been a great year so far: Biden is out; MAGA is in. Conservatism is ascending. And just last night, America cheered President Trump and booed Taylor Swift on national TV, as my colleague Matt Margolis noted.
It’s morning again in America. The birds are chirping; the sun is shining; peace, love, and the Village People’s music permeates every pore. Even good ol’ Uncle Sam is dusting off his six-shooters and readying the saddle: America’s riding roughshod again!
This ain’t Biden’s America no mo’. There’s a new sheriff — and a new attitude.
But even amidst the soft, tranquil winds cascading across the Gulf of Mexico America, and even as a newfound sense of optimism sweeps through the heartland, every now and then, we’re forced to go eyeball-to-eyeball with the horrible, awful truth: Evil still exists.
In a related story, the Philadelphia Eagles won the Super Bowl last night.
It’s… just not right.
As most sane, rational sports fans know, Philadelphia is the epicenter of everything evil in the universe. Its fans are notorious for harassing, fighting, and physically attacking fans in other jerseys. (It got so bad they even had a courthouse — with an actual jail! — inside Veterans Stadium.)
This is a fanbase, after all, that booed Santa Claus and pelted him with snowballs.
In the long, rich legacy of sports-related thuggery and an utter lack of sportsmanship, the Eagles soar higher than the rest. “Fly, Eagles, Fly” indeed.
There was the Bounty Bowl (I and II). There was the loud, raucous cheering when Michael Irvin suffered a career-ending neck injury and was sprawled lifeless atop their turf. (By the way, their turf sucked. It was basically cement covered with carpet. It ended way too many careers.)
Bleacher Report named ‘em the “meanest fan base” in all of football.
It’s not just football, either. Philadelphia’s been making weird sports decisions since the 1970s and 1980s, when they ignored Joe Frazier — who was the actual, real-life undefeated heavyweight champion of the world and LIVED in Philadelphia — and instead showcased a big, impressive statue of fictional fighter Rocky Balboa.
(Yes, Apollo Creed and Clubber Lang were all worthy opponents. I’m just saying that Joe Frazier beating Muhammad Ali in Madison Square Garden was probably a little more noteworthy.)
Last night, the delightful citizens of Philadelphia celebrated their Super Bowl victory in the most on-brand way possible. “Fly, Eagles, Fly” (atop pre-greased lampposts).
City of Brotherly Love? HA! Only if the brothers were Cain and Abel.
But most of America, it seems, was actually cheering for the Eagles last night. And I get it: We’re all experiencing Chiefs fatigue. We’re tired of Kansas City winning all the time. We’re tired of Patrick Mahomes and his squeaky, Muppet-like voice. We’re tired of all the State Farm commercials. We’re tired of Andy Reid and his mustache. (By the way, was anyone else disturbed by the number of Super Bowl commercials that featured eyebrows and/or mustaches flying off?)
Most of all, we’re tired of Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce. It’s just too much.
It’s like that episode of “Seinfeld” where George has a meltdown when his “worlds” collide. As George explained it:
There’s the world of Swift and the world of football. Never should the two worlds meet. (Which is fair: It’s not like Travis Kelce is distracting Swifties at their concerts, popping up on the big screen and spiking footballs or whatever.)So I understand your kneejerk impulse to cheer for the Eagles — just this once. After all, they were the lesser of two evils.
But never forget, the lesser of two evils is still… evil. Shame on you all. May God have mercy on your souls.
Go Cowboys! 1996 1997 1998 1999 2000 2001 2002 2003 2004 2005 2006 2007 2008 2009 2010 2011 2012 2013 2014 2015 2016 2017 2018 2019 2020 2021 2022 2023 2024 2025 2026 will be our year!
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